- John Lequizamo: I remember there was this one hottie that was legendary in our neighborhood. Her dad was a cop, and she never came down from the third floor. We started calling her Rapunzel Garcia. Now, Rapunzel used to think she was better than me, 'cause she was Argentinean and didn't have any Indian in her... yet.
- John Lequizamo: [imitating his grandfather] Help! Help! I fell in the toilet!
- John Lequizamo: [imitating his grandmother] How did you come to fall in?
- John Lequizamo: [imitating his grandfather] I didn't come to fall in. I came to take a shit.
- [Imitating how his ancestors met]
- John Lequizamo: So, I hear you sacrifice your birgins... are you a birgin?
- John Lequizamo: [imitating his girlfriend Evelyn] I was supposed to be the one in my family who was gonna make it, but do you know what I got on my SATs? I got nail polish.
- John Lequizamo: [imitating his friend] Latin women are like blow-up dolls. You put a ring on their finger and watch their hips expand.
- John Lequizamo: What? You don't know how good you have it. I came from a poor family, thank god I was born a boy or I wouldn't have anything to play with.