- Birchum: You're recording this? Well, guess what! I'm recording it too, and I'm gonna put it on basic cable!
- Birchum: You know, I probably wasn't abducted by aliens. Come to think of it, I was raped by teenagers.
- Special Ed: Lady, do you play with your vagina?
- Backwoodsman: Lady, who you callin' a lady when yer talkin' to a man?
- Security Receptionist: Hello?
- Bircham: Hello? This the security guard place?
- Security Receptionist: Yes this is.
- Bircham: Oh, great. My name's Birchum, I'm new to the area, and I'm lookin' for a job.
- Security Receptionist: Okay, right now we're not hiring because we don't have any openings.
- Bircham: Not hiring, huh?
- Security Receptionist: No.
- Bircham: Not hiring guys who did two tours in 'Nam and are third degree blackbelts in Tae kwan do?
- Security Receptionist: Not at the moment.
- Bircham: Not hiring a guy who can take an AK-47 blindfolded, break it down, oil it, and reassemble it in less than 4 minutes, you're not hiring any of them?
- Security Receptionist: We don't...
- Bircham: Not hiring a guy who can kill a man using only his thumb on his LEFT hand?
- Security Receptionist: No, we don't have any openings at the moment.
- Bircham: Not hiring a guy who modified his AK-47 to go full automatic and added a forty round banana clip to it? You're not hiring that guy?
- Bircham: Not hiring a guy who customized his van so it looked like the A-team van? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HIRE THAT GUY?
- Bircham: YOU'RE NOT GONNA HIRE A GUY WHO LAID HIS LIFE ON THE LINE FOR THIS COUNTRY SO THAT YOU CAN GO HOME TO YOUR LESBIAN PARTNER AND LIVE IN A JUDGMENT-FREE SOCIETY? I THINK YOU ARE HIRING THAT GUY!
- Spoonie Luv: Strip club, strip club, for where are thy? Strip club, strip club, shot jizz in my eye.
- Cammie: And don't hate me for being ugly, I didn't make you that way, God did.
- Spoonie Luv: From your ankles to your instep, I really love your feet. So slim, so strong, so shapely, so graceful, and petite. So wrap your toes around my johnson, it's time to beat my meat.
- Arthur Johnson: Listen, I've been around this shiny blue marble a few times and i've never met a unisex person. You're an innie or an outie understand? You either got a fishing hole or a fishing pole.It's franks and beans or fish taco, Capiche?