- Det. Joe Friday: You know why cops serve arrest warrants at six AM? Because people are sleepy and stupid, full of attitude.
- Det. Joe Friday: [narration] They come out in force, the press. A celebrity gets murdered, the world goes crazy with curiosity. In a way we're like the ancient Greeks, we need our gods to be human. We need to know bad things happen to them too. Just like the rest of us.
- Det. Frank Smith: Victims, like your daughter here.
- Lydia Stoffel: That's my son.
- [Franks looks at the picture again]
- Det. Joe Friday: So, more jail time and we'll have to get animal control to come down here and euthanize these little fluff balls.
- Alice: What?
- Det. Frank Smith: So sad.
- Det. Frank Smith: The guy sure did know how to live... when he was alive.
- Det. Joe Friday: Don't eat the dead guys candy, Smith!
- Drug Dealer: Cops, the other white meat.
- Det. Frank Smith: You hear what he did there, Joe? He called us pigs, but in like a roundabout kinda way.
- Greg: My lawyer's gonna eat you.
- Det. Joe Friday: You ever notice how many people claim their lawyers eat human flesh?
- Det. Frank Smith: Might be a cult thing.
- Det. Frank Smith: This city owes me a new pair of Italian ankle boots.
- Det. Joe Friday: Yeah, Italian by way of Taiwan.
- Det. Frank Smith: What size do you wear? eight, nine?
- [Greg looks confused]
- Det. Frank Smith: Your shoes.
- Greg: Seven.
- Det. Frank Smith: Seven. That's cute. Me, I got clown's feet.
- Man: You gonna bother these people?
- Det. Frank Smith: We're gonna bother a lot of people until we find out who bothered Whitney Lynde.
- Det. Joe Friday: Be polite? I am polite! What does she think I'm gonna do, pee in a wastebasket?
- Det. Frank Smith: I heard you did that once.
- Det. Joe Friday: If your client tells us you advised him to lie, I'll be at your disbarment hearing.