Mike Myers: The Cat

The Cat in the Hat

The Cat

Cat in the Hat: [English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

Sally Walden: [jumping on the couch] Like being in the circus!
Cat in the Hat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.

Fish: Someone else should drive!
Cat in the Hat: All right, you win. Concrete, you drive.
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad Walden: Are you serious?
Cat in the Hat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now, punch it.
Conrad Walden: This is awesome!
Sally Walden: I want to drive.
Cat in the Hat: I think that's a great idea.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad Walden: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
Cat in the Hat: You're right. We should *all* drive.
[gets his own wheel]

Cat in the Hat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally Walden: S-L-O-W?
Cat in the Hat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad Walden: Oh, you mean...
Cat in the Hat: No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!

Thing Two: Don't belittle me.
Cat in the Hat: Ah, yes, of course. Thing Two would like to clarify that just because he wears the number two does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing One.
Thing Two: And all of the above.
Cat in the Hat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
Thing Two: Ben.
[Thing One jabbers incoherently]
Cat in the Hat: Thing One says he's Thing One for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.

Sally Walden: Where did you come from?
Cat in the Hat: Hmm, how do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad Walden: No, no, no, no, no! Where did you *come* from?
Cat in the Hat: My place! Where do you think?

Cat in the Hat: Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.

Conrad Walden: So, what do we do?
Cat in the Hat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me-me-me-me-ow!
Sally Walden: How many shots?

Cat in the Hat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
Cat in the Hat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say, "minutes away"? That's impossible!
Cat in the Hat: [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
Cat in the Hat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute!
Cat in the Hat: [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.

Cat in the Hat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I'd do it for nothing.

Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!
[the phone rings and the Cat answers it]
Cat in the Hat: City morgue!
Fish: [losing it] *Eighteen*!

Sally Walden: Who are you?
Cat in the Hat: Who, me? Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're... meline... key lime... turpen... tine. I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no.
[Conrad and Sally stare at him]
Cat in the Hat: Look, I'm a cat that can talk! That should be *enough* for you people!

Cat in the Hat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Convex... you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad Walden: Why not? It's just a crate.
Cat in the Hat: This isn't just *any* old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad Walden: But it says, "Made in the Philippines".
Cat in the Hat: Yes, but not *this* Philippines.

Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
Cat in the Hat: Come on, kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!