Beyond the Seventh Door

This Canadian thriller has to be seen to be believed. It's an ultra-cheap production, made by Marvan Films (a production company never heard of again), and featuring in its main actor the unmistakable Lazar Rockwood, a distinctive-looking Serbian actor better known for playing bad guy henchmen in the rest of his movie parts.

Rockwood's non-acting style takes some beating, it has to be said, and he ever makes the token female, Bonnie Beck, look good by comparison. The weirdest thing about this movie is the plot: Rockwood plays a burglar who becomes trapped in an underground complex of booby-trapped chambers and must use his brain to escape.

It feels very much like an early version of a CUBE-style storyline, or perhaps a fictionalised CRYSTAL MAZE. And it's fair to say that this is an inept film throughout, with direction that's even worse than the acting. It comes as little surprise that Beck is forced to divest her clothing as the running time progresses, leaving her parading around in her skimpy underwear. Otherwise, I'm not really sure what I just watched!

When the eerily Billy Drago lookalike, but demonstratively not actor-like, Boris (Lazar Rockwood) is released from prison following his bungled participation in an aborted heist, he fatefully hooks up with his seemingly disinterested ex, the maddeningly delicious, sweet-lipped Femme Fatale, Wendy (Bonnie Beck) who somewhat fortuitously has recently gained access to a key that supposedly leads to her wealthy boss's 'secret room/treasure chamber' that allegedly overflows with unimaginable wealth and brightly glistering booty! With pleasingly brisk exposition, honey-hipped, Wendy and the catastrophically inept thief, Boris enter this crepuscular, multilayered domain, and with laudable alacrity their triumphantly weird, deliciously daft, absurdly contrived nocturnal adventures begin in deadly, treasure-seeking earnest!

My initial keenness in seeing 'Beyond The Seventh Door' was in revisiting the spectacularly odd, engagingly hyperbolic acting of the majestically monikered, Lazar Rockwood, a singularly strange Thespian whose implausibly cool handle is no less conspicuous than his monumental lack of dramatic subtlety, but it is this very autistic overkill which adds considerable 'Bad Movie' grist to this joyfully absurd and winningly implausible tale of an evil plutocrat's labyrinthine castle and its myriad, puzzle-laden chambers that might, perhaps, lead our plucky protagonists to their imminent doom!

Happily, my giddy anticipation of, Lazar's 'acting' proved entirely justified, as maverick dramatist, Mr. Rockwood manifested yet another hysterical display of his sympathetically earnest, hilariously unrefined 'acting', while perhaps not quite on par with his tweaked epicness in 'Fearless Tigers' but still so consistently off-key and stridently bereft of nuance as to suggest that this was some warped satire, the subversive director repeatedly taunting the actors with his asinine dialogue and increasingly implausible narrative contrivances! While 'Beyond The Seventh Door' never quite reached the heroic heights of extreme B-Movie buffoonery, the quirky puzzles were suitably puzzle-y, and it was frequently very, VERY silly indeed! (One can also enjoy a brain-nuking drinking game by having a wee dram each time Wendy inanely calls out, 'Boris!!!???')

It brought many a tear to my eye to see such a magical performance. Boris, portrayed by Hollywood heartthrob Lazar Rockwood, is perhaps the finest crafted, written and performed character in film history. You completely forget about Lazar's natural good looks, charm and intelligence and only see what he wants you to see, Boris, a second rate thief with a possible drug addiction and severe mental illness. Sometimes you think he's epileptic, sometimes autistic and other times it seems like he was just pulled out of the gutter, given a pack a smokes and told to stand in front of a camera. Lazar's performance was so flawless that during the sex scene in the grungy sewer/basement, I actually felt ill to my stomach, as I'm sure Lazar and the Director intended. I still get a little woozy just thinking about it, truly unbelievable stuff.

1987 - Paul Newman won best actor for Color of Money and best picture went to Platoon. Lazar and Beyond the 7th Door didn't even receive a nomination.

If nothing else the makeup crew should have received a nod for creating a believable "Boris" out of hansom leading man Rockwood.

Keep the faith Lazar, don't get discouraged, performances like this will eventually be recognized for what they are - pure brilliance.

In BEYOND THE SEVENTH DOOR, ex-con Boris (Lazar Rockwood) joins his girlfriend, Wendy (Bonnie Beck) for "one more job", involving the burglary of her boss' mansion.

So, the pair enter the fortress-like estate, unaware that it is specifically set up to thwart their criminal venture. The rest is a nightmare trip through a labyrinth, where the title comes into play.

Unfortunately, there are several things that hamstring this production. The infinitesimally tiny budget is an obvious problem. In spite of this, the "sets" (aka: a big basement) manage to be adequate. Indeed, more money could have made a substantial difference.

Then, there are the "actors". While Ms. Beck appears to, at least, be human, Mr. Rockwood couldn't have a better last name, since he seems to be some sort of mullet-donning, animated boulder / tree hybrid. Calling his movements and delivery "stiff" is like calling Antarctica "chilly".

Still, this movie does have merit in that it predates films with similar elements / themes, like CUBE, SAW, THE COLLECTOR, CRUSH THE SKULL, THE TRAP, etc., by many years. One can only imagine what BT7D could have been, if only it had a real cast, money, and a director...

In no way does this move ever approach anything like good. I've seen productions by HS kids that were better. There was no acting, just people standing in front of a camera delivering lines like they were reading recipes out loud. The writing, again, I've seen better from HS students. This whole movie had the feel of a film school project from a not an "A" student. All of that said, I still found it mildly entertaining with a surprise twist at the end. No, I won't spoil it for you, you'll have to watch it for yourself. Why should we be the only ones to suffer? Seriously though, if you have an hour to kill it's definitely watchable, as long as your sorting your coupons, folding laundry or engaging in some other mindless task. There is a mild sense of curiosity at what the next room will be, but you're more than likely to laugh rather than jump when you see it. And the stone, brick and concrete walls are somewhat less wooden than Lazar. The corpse really was the best actor, as a previous reviewer mentioned. If you're not a fan of bad movies, there's nothing to recommend this one. If you enjoy B or worse movies, give this one a try.