- Anna (in Tess's body): Like cooking: I mean, have you never heard of takeout? And cleaning: let's don't and say we did. Quality time with your kids: You know what? Quit bugging 'em. Leave 'em alone. They like it!
- Ryan: OK, where are we going next, Harry's school?
- Anna (in Tess's body): Oh, he can walk from here.
- Harry: It's 20 blocks!
- Anna (in Tess's body): Fresh air will do you good.
- Harry: But what about bullies?
- Anna (in Tess's body): Run fast.
- Anna (in Tess's body): I'm old!
- Tess (in Anna's body): I beg your pardon!
- Anna (in Tess's body): Oh, I'm like the Cryptkeeper!
- Anna (in Tess's body): Are you mad?
- Ryan: No.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Do you, like, not want to get married now?
- Ryan: No. No I don't. Not if you're gonna put me in this role.
- Anna (in Tess's body): What role?
- Ryan: The role of insensitive stepfather who couldn't care less, or thinks it's a stupid rock band, or any of the preposterous things you just said. How can you say I don't care? I'm not that guy, Tess, and if that's who you think I am, then this is never gonna work. When I fell in love with you, I knew you came with a history and a family, and I respect the hell out of that. You have always put the kids first. That's exactly how it should be, that's how I want it. I never pushed Anna, because I want her to like me on her own terms, in her own way.
- Tess (in Anna's body): And what are you doing with this?
- [grabs box of french fries]
- Anna (in Tess's body): I'm eating.
- Tess (in Anna's body): You cannot eat fast food.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Why not?
- Tess (in Anna's body): Because it will go down your throat and drop instantly to my thighs!
- Tess: Hello, Dr. Coleman. Yes, Elizabeth. Yes, Elizabeth, I'll be at the appointment tomorrow. Ok, good. And Elizabeth, remember, you are a smart, strong, beautiful, independent woman and you don't need a man to complete you.
- Butcher Woman: Thank you.
- Tess: Goodbye.
- Anna (in Tess's body): 3 years ago we had a really bad thing happen we lost a father and a husband and I didn't think we'd ever get over it but then this guy next to me
- [Ryan looks at Tess Proudly]
- Anna (in Tess's body): came into the picture and everyone could see I was happy again I was singing in the shower again not well I may add but I was still worried about my kids Anna and Harry whether or not they would be able to accept a new man in their life and now I know how Anna feels
- [Ryan looks over towards Anna]
- Anna (in Tess's body): and what she feels is that...
- [Tess starts to get emotional]
- Anna (in Tess's body): No-one could ever take the place of her Dad
- [Voice breaking]
- Anna (in Tess's body): because he was a really great Dad but somebody could be part of a new family it's own kind of cool, new little unit and that for someone as special as Ryan that we would all just make a little room Anna really wanted her mom to know that.
- [Tess mouths I love you]
- Tess (in Anna's body): Honey. Look, I think something's happened to us.
- Anna (in Tess's body): What are you?
- Tess (in Anna's body): It's me, Mom.
- Anna (in Tess's body): You're not my mother!
- Tess (in Anna's body): Yes, I am.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Get away, you clone freak!
- Tess (in Anna's body): Don't you use that tone with me!
- Anna (in Tess's body): Oh my God, you are my mother!
- Tess (in Anna's body): We'd like to speak to you about something that we think happened to us at your restaurant.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Yeah, something that SUCKS.
- Tess (in Anna's body): Mr. Bates, may I please speak with you?
- Mr. Bates: I think that would be fairly pointless, but go ahead.
- Tess (in Anna's body): By what stretch of the imagination... I mean, like, how could I, like, get an "F"? What mistakes did I make?
- Mr. Bates: Grading is subjective.
- Tess (in Anna's body): That was a college-level analysis.
- Mr. Bates: And you're qualified to make that assessment?
- Tess (in Anna's body): I most certainly am.
- Mr. Bates: Well in the words of Hamlet, "What's done is done".
- Tess (in Anna's body): That's "Macbeth" you know-nothing twit. Bates. Elton Bates. Griffith High School.
- Mr. Bates: How do you know that?
- Tess (in Anna's body): Well, you asked me, I mean, my mom to the prom, but she turned you down.
- Mr. Bates: This is not an appropriate subject.
- Tess (in Anna's body): You're taking it out on her daughter, aren't you?
- Mr. Bates: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Tess (in Anna's body): It was a high school dance. You've got to let it go and move on, man. And if you don't, I'm sure the school board would love to hear about your pathetic vendetta against an innocent student.
- Tess (in Anna's body): [Anna is about to leave the classroom and turns] Oh, and by the way, Elton, she had a boyfriend, and you were weird.
- Anna (in Tess's body): So, let's do this thingy.
- Ryan: You mean our wedding rehearsal?
- Anna (in Tess's body): Yeah, whatever.
- Tess (in Anna's body): You pierced your navel?
- Anna (in Tess's body): Yeah, I... meant to talk to you about that.
- Tess (in Anna's body): When did you do this?
- Anna (in Tess's body): At Maddie's cousin's sweet 16.
- Tess (in Anna's body): Well, when you get your body back, it's grounded.
- Anna (in Tess's body): It's easy to be you. I'll just suck the fun out of everything.
- Tess (in Anna's body): I do not suck the fun out of everything.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Fun-sucker.
- [Grandpa seeing Harry's underwear that was put over his head, thanks to Anna]
- Grandpa: What is this, one of them thongs? I don't want to know.
- Tess (in Anna's body): Role-playing! Her idea. New therapeutic technique. Switching points of view.
- Grandpa: If I switch with Harry, do I have to wear a thong?
- Harry: [mocking Grandpa] Earthquake. Save me. Earthquake.
- Tess (in Anna's body): She is dead, worse than dead. She will spend the next year in a phoneless, dateless, Amish existence!
- Anna (in Tess's body): So you're in my body, and I'm in your body. Why don't we, like...
- Tess (in Anna's body): Yes, yes, I see what you're saying. A jolt! Okay, you go over there, and I go over here. Okay, when I say go. Ready? Go!
- [they both run at and crash into each other and fall to the ground while Harry walks into the room]
- Mr. Bates: [to a student] Mr. Waters, describe the character of Hamlet.
- Mr. Waters: Hamlet. He's, uh... he's one of the big characters. I mean, he's Hamlet. He's just... bopping around... doesn't know which way's up. I don't think the guy's got a clue.
- Mr. Bates: You mean to say that he is a man...
- Mr. Waters: Yeah.
- Mr. Bates: Who couldn't make up his... mind.
- Mr. Waters: ...mind. Exactly.
- Mr. Bates: Good. B.
- Ryan: You know what, I'm not really a prying kind of guy, but just for the heck of it, I was wondering what you were doing on the eve of our wedding straddling some guy on the back of a big black Harley?
- Anna (in Tess's body): Hello, it was a Ducati!
- Dottie Robertson: Loved your book, I actually read this one.
- Anna (in Tess's body): That makes one of us.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Mom, maybe we should go to the emergency room.
- Tess (in Anna's body): Oh no! All that will get us is a 72-hour lockdown in a psych ward and a Thorazine drip. No, we're not going anywhere.
- Harry: Don't tell her I like her.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Why not?
- Harry: Because we have too much fun fighting.
- Anna (in Tess's body): You're way more twisted than I thought.
- [she playfully kicks him in his rear, he tries to do the same but can't reach]
- Anna (in Tess's body): Good try!
- Evan: I told you I wouldn't be able to call you on your honeymoon, but you lied to me. You're a liar!
- Diary Reading Patient: She and her best friend aren't speaking, Doctor. And in her diary, she keeps mentioning this boy.
- Anna (in Tess's body): How do you feel about that?
- Diary Reading Patient: Well, I'm worried.
- Anna (in Tess's body): You read her diaries? Oh, that's gross! That's bad. "Bad Mom" award.
- Diary Reading Patient: But I'm concerned, Doctor, that she and this boy might be, I mean, you know.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Stop! Stop! Nothing is going on between her and this guy. If there was, she wouldn't be writing about it. She'd be out there doing it. Her best friend probably isn't talking to her because she probably likes this guy, too. And he probably flirted with her a little, but he secretly likes your daughter. He hasn't made his move yet because that wouldn't be cool. So now her best friend is acting like some psycho freak. Okay?
- Diary Reading Patient: That's very interesting. I never would have thought about it that way.
- Anna (in Tess's body): Cool. Guess we're done.
- Anna: Mr. Bates, I really don't understand this "F".
- Mr. Bates: You completely missed the point of the book.
- Anna: It's "1984". How could anyone miss it? It's a blatant attack on totalitarianism. About a rigid society, dominated by one all-powerful, ego-tripping dictator.
- Mr. Bates: My grade is final.
- Anna: Except he had hair.
- Mr. Bates: Anna!