Mail Order Bride

Even by the straight-to-video, D movie standards, "Mail Order Bride" is simply too preposterous for words. Wow! I thought I've seen some crap in my time, but there's simply no preparing for this turd shower.

From one of the lamest plots in the history of American cinema over to the fact I've heard more authentic-sounding dialogue in many porn flicks, the English language may not be descriptive enough to convey how horrendous this stinker really is.

How do obviously horrible movies like this one get made? Even if I can somehow grasp the misguided motivation of Robert Capelli Jr., an apparent self delusional NYC goombah turned not only actor, but also screenwriter and director, I'm truly at a loss when it comes to understanding the money trail. Taking the production over to Russia and shooting on location in Moscow couldn't have been cheap - surely someone must have put up some major cash to make that happen. Who are these wonderful benefactors? Who looked at this script, agreed with the assertion about it "possessing some big-screen potential" and forked over a certain amount of dough? And how many others repeated the above sequence in one way or another?

I demand answers! There really should be some kind of tangible punishment for enabling film-making this maladroit.

Burying this piece of garbage in limited video release isn't enough. Public tarring and feathering of every single person who made "Mail Order Bride" financially possible is the least punishment these heinous enablers should have to endure.

PS: Artie Lange and Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling ought to pick their drinking and/or drug buddies more carefully. I can believe Jackie really did need the money back in 2003 to supplement his chochkie selling income, but what was Artie's excuse for being in this. Committing to movies while intoxicated is definitely not a good idea.

Just saw it and WOW, what a funny movie! Artie Lange and Jackie The Joke Man in same film! Next Gore and Bush? Crazy! Danny Aiello was awesome as always. And all the cameo's! Kamal of Jerky boys! Hysterical! The Riddler from original Batman! Was laughing out loud at his scene's. My favorite was when Artie and Bobby walked into Bar and that actor said the winning number as a developmentally challenged gangsta! Comedic genius that one. Funny stuff. And the scenery in Russia was unbelievable! Let alone the car chases. I swear that Russian mobster's body guard was a pro wrestler in the early 70's! The films only flaw was it was too short! Great ending! Really surprised me. I strongly recommend anyone and everyone to go and see it.....

I saw Mail Order Bride at the American Film Market. As I walked into the theater, I wasn't sure what to expect. All I knew that the movie was a comedy based upon the Russian Mafia and Italian Mafia working together for the very first time and dealing with mail order brides. I felt intrigued by this combination so I attended.

With the expectation of the first row, the theater was filled with a diverse crowd compiled of teenagers, college students, the middle aged, senior citizens and a melting pot of nationalities. I thought to myself ` what did I get into' But without going into details, I was pleasantly surprised. I can't remember the last time I sat in a theater and heard laughter from the beginning of a movie till the end. At numerous points throughout the film, the whole theater erupted with laughter. I couldn't believe that this movie was so appealing to everyone. Its mass appeal is truly a delight.

The movie was also filled with diversity as well. Danny Aiello is on the money as the Don and Artie Lange (Howard Stern Show) is very funny as Tommy. Frank Gorshin (60's Batman-Riddler) offers a wonderful supporting performance and maybe supplies one of the funniest scenes in the movie. Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy-Sopranos) offers up an unlikely, out of character comedic performance that was well appreciated and a handful of Russian actors deliver a great performance and give the movie a respected authentic flavor of the land. The main character was a great protagonist. He lead you though a journey seen though the eyes of a young, naïve, American that made me feel that I was experiencing all these situations for the very first time. The actor playing the lead character of Anthony was very good and on the money. He did a wonderful job of making you feel for the main character and all his dilemmas that he is confronted with.

The filmmakers also offer some twists and surprises that kept coming. Every time you thought you figured it out, something new was thrown at you.

The Russian locations were truly amazing and Beautiful. From Red Square and the Kremlin and St. Basils and the Bolsho Theater, the filmmakers utilized these locations to perfection. At one point a car chase develops and takes you though the streets of Moscow. It was extraordinary and rivals any car chases that I have seen. I had to keep reminding myself, that this is an independent movie.

It was a cute, funny, movie offering an hour and half of enjoyable entertainment.

As I exited the theater, the enthusiastic crowd kept talking about the film and how much they enjoyed it. Then, to my surprise, the young handsome lead was standing in the lobby talking with people. A handful of audience recognized him and ran over for autographs. Then more people ran. Before I knew it, there must have been 40 people surrounding him. They seemed genuinely enthused to meet him. If this scene was any indication of things to come, I may have witnessed the beginning of wonderful career.

People said that `My Big Fat Greek Wedding' was funny and with it making over 200 million dollars at the Box Office, I agree. But I felt that `Mail Order Bride' was a lot funnier and has a lot more to offer. I hope for the same results.

Sometimes the best way to judge a movie is by the reaction of the audience and if that holds true, Mail Order Bride should be an overwhelming success.

This is without a doubt, one of the worst movies ever. I saw it at a screening where we had the bad-director-terrible-actor-atrocious-screenwriter as a guest. He seems like a nice guy, but how he ever got this movie made is beyond me. One of the producers was also a guest, and from the stories he told, I think a documentary or mockumentary about the making of this movie would have been infinitely more enjoyable. Then again, any old 8mm home movie would be more enjoyable.

A completely original premise - Italian mobsters who curse and, are you sitting down, live in NEW JERSEY; remind you of anything? Not horrible, but a very straight-to-video production. There are a few laughs and only one embarrassingly unfunny scene (the "number one doctor in Russia" played by the late Frank "I should have sued my agent" Gorshin, who I MET, best known as the Riddler from '60s Batman). Wesley Willis fans will LOVE the romantic ballad "Stay Here In My Heart." Seriously though, the only real reason to check this movie out (which is the only reason I checked it out) is to the see the historic cast that includes both Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling AND Artie Lange (Artie replaced Jackie on The Howard Stern Show, for the four of you who didn't know that). Artie is (I'm sad to say) disappointing, but Martling undergoes a transformation from "Jackie, The Joke Man" to *gasp* "Jackie, THE VIKING;" I hope he got paid in jokes. I did a search but couldn't find whether it was produced before or after Artie officially replaced Jackie on the show. Anywho, a warning to all curious Stern fans - ARTIE AND JACKIE DON'T HAVE ANY SCENES TOGETHER! That is all.