- Narrator: Speaking for gearheads and garage mechanics everywhere, Jesse answers that one-word question: why?
- Jesse James: [innocently] 'Cause it's wrong.
- [the crew tries to see if their Lincoln stretch limo has enough ground clearance]
- Wink Eller: Cool. She's holding it. She is holding it.
- Announcer: Six inches is plenty of ground clearance.
- Wink Eller: She's gonna ride like a Cadillac.
- Steve Dennish: Lincoln would like to hear that.
- [opening narration]
- Narrator: Join Jesse and his crew of maverick mechanics as they rip, grind, and burn, turning ordinary street vehicles into monster machines in the Monster Garage.
- [the "Grim Ripper" is loaded into a car shredder]
- The Big Schwag: Wait a minute! It just occurred to me! This isn't a funeral! This is an execution!
- [closing narration]
- Big Schwag: Jesse's got metal to burn and sparks to fly! The next Monster Garage challenge... is just... around... the bend!
- [Jesse cuts the exhaust off of a car and it hits him in the face.]
- Jesse James: Now, I know why I'm not a car mechanic anymore. Oh, wait, I guess I *am* a car mechanic.
- Jesse James: [checking off an imaginary list after crashing the Hell Camino in a figure 8 race] Things to do today: ram Billy!
- "Barefoot" Billy Ziemann: [doing the same] Things to do today: train rookie!
- Jesse James: [someone has just finished explaining the rules of a steamboat race] What do we get if we win?
- [the crowd laughs]