- Fred Collins: [about to set his grandfather's casket on fire] Dad! Lighter!
- Skip Collins: Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.
- Fred Collins: What the hell is that?
- Aunt Lily: It's your birthday cake. I was hoping it would be a surprise.
- Ted Collins: I'm more than surprised. I'm shocked!
- Fred Collins: This isn't what we ordered.
- Aunt Lily: You don't *order* your mother. I spent two days making...
- Ted Collins: We *ordered* an erotic cheesecake.
- Aunt Lily: Excuse me?
- Ted Collins: You're excused.
- Skip Collins: Don't worry. Don't worry about Alice, she? you think she's gone, she comes back. You know, like herpes.
- Judy: Thanks, Skip.
- Ted Collins: Thanks, but, uh, I've already had my mucous course for the day.
- Alice Collins: Listen, you shut your spit-cave you foul-mouthed little shit-fucker before I beat the living snot out of you.
- Kate Collins: [reading a letter from Ryan out loud] Did you really leave me again? After all the seasons I spent waiting, watching out the window, listening at the door, waiting for the news of your return? for the news that you realized that someone important was waiting for you. A whole lifetime I've been waiting. I can't believe you're not coming back. I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting. I can't believe you left me again...
- [ends letter]
- Kate Collins: Grandpa didn't leave because of you, it was because of you he kept coming back. I hope you all realize that.
- Aunt Lily: Where did they even hear the term 'Erotic Cheesecake'?
- Skip Collins: Hey, somebody's gotta teach them these things, right?
- Aunt Lily: What things? That you can make a cheesecake look like disembodied breasts?
- Skip Collins: ...Or an ass...
- [last lines]
- Skip Collins: [at wedding] It's not a dirty joke. It's not a dirty joke! Just let people...
- Alice Collins: [trying to grab the microphone]
- Skip Collins: These two gym teachers walk into a hardware store...
- Alice Collins: [finally gets the microphone away from him]
- Kate Collins: Hey, hey, hey! You guys! Could one of you *please* tell me one nice thing I can say about your dead father
- Lucy Collins: [after a long pause] He often called me Andrea for no reason.
- Daniel Collins: I was Barry.
- Skip Collins: Hey, Elvis killed himself because someone was gonna write a book about his underwear wrestling.
- Alice Collins: This isn't about you so.
- Judy: Are you talking to the sex toy?
- Alice Collins: I'm sure you're a very nice lesbian. Is that the preferred term?
- Judy: No, no. We prefer whore.
- Skip Collins: [Lucy and Alice are rolling on the floor, fighting. Skip is watching with interest] Okay okay, that's almost enough!
- Alice Collins: [referring to Judy, Lucy's girlfriend] I really can't believe you brought her.
- Lucy Collins: Hello, Alice.
- Alice Collins: No, it's just, I thought you'd come alone. It's family.
- Lucy Collins: Are you starting already?
- Alice Collins: Oh, no, no, no. Its just it didn't occur to me to bring my sex toy. Did you bring any sex toys?
- Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.
- Lucy Collins: [Alice is in the front seat reminiscing and laughing with Samantha, Lucy scornfully mocks her sister from the back seat] Oh, look at how silly and normal I can act when I'm not persecuting my sister!
- [laughs insincerely to mock Alice]
- Daniel Collins: Hey, did we have a blackout last night?
- Kate Collins: That's what I heard.
- Skip Collins: Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room.
- [Lucy smacks him with a newspaper]
- Skip Collins: What?
- Lucy Collins: You found my room all right.
- Skip Collins: It was dark.
- Lucy Collins: So you hid in my closet? With your *kids*?
- Skip Collins: [shouts] We were lost!
- Lucy Collins: This is bullshit.
- Judy: Luce...
- Lucy Collins: No! I'm sorry, screw her!
- Judy: Come on, Luce...
- Lucy Collins: No! Don't! She has made a business out of persecuting me and I'm supposed to sit here, at my father's funeral, and watch her fuck-sing at Samantha?
- [shouts]
- Lucy Collins: Screw that!
- Alice Collins: [Alice's mom comes back from the hospital after trying to kill herself, she enters the house] Hi, Mother, try it again and I'll kill you myself.
- Lucy Collins: [Lucy and Judy enter the house]
- [to Judy]
- Lucy Collins: You remember Skip?
- Judy: Yeah.
- Lucy Collins: And the boys Tim and Jim, right?
- Skip Collins: Yeah, close enough.
- Judy: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner.
- Fred Collins: [Together with Ted] Lesbians.
- Ted Collins: [Together with Fred] Lesbians.
- Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.
- Alice Collins: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so...
- Fred Collins: Bad image.
- Ted Collins: [hits head twice] Erase, erase.
- Doctor: We pumped your mother's stomach.
- Alice Collins: Yeah, it was an accident.
- Lucy Collins: How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of sleeping pills.
- Alice Collins: [to the doctor] She was cleaning them up.
- Lucy Collins: With her mouth?
- Skip Collins: Pop loved poetry.
- Kate Collins: He did.
- Skip Collins: Yeah. All the ones about Nantucket.
- Skip Collins: I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl. There once was a girl who was crippled, by the weight of her overgrown nipple.
- Lucy Collins: [Asking Doctor about suicidal mother] When can we take her home?
- Doctor: Well just overnight then tomorrow I'll sign her out and you can take her home.
- Alice Collins: Well, I think could you keep her. For another day just to be safe.
- Lucy Collins: [to Alice] Oh. My. God.
- Alice Collins: Bite me.
- Judy: [on the couch reading, sees Ted and Fred] Yes, boys?
- Fred Collins: Can we help you with anything?
- Ted Collins: Maybe intern with you?
- Judy: [pauses and stares] You can rub my feet if you want.
- [sticks foot in the air]
- Skip Collins: Dearest Judge...
- Judge: Excuse me?
- Skip Collins: My client...
- [whispering]
- Skip Collins: name?
- Lace: Oh, um, Lace.
- Skip Collins: Miss Lace, was engaged in a consensual servicing of an entrapable member...
- Judge: Are you an attorney?
- Skip Collins: [smiles] Touche, your highness.
- Skip Collins: This is why your mother left us.
- Ted Collins: She was a hack.
- Fred Collins: I've seen better moms on TV.
- Skip Collins: Guys, c'mon.We've got this funeral
- Ted Collins: Grandpa's not going anywhere
- Skip Collins: Get in the car!
- Skip Collins: That's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.
- Ted Collins: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- Fred Collins: He wants us to say 'No thank you' instead of 'Eat my ass Jello'.
- Ted Collins: So, what'd he leave us?
- Charlotte Collins: Your grandfather's will won't be read until after the funeral.
- Fred Collins: Talk about being early.
- Kate Collins: Uncle Skip and the twins were a little heavy with hormones, but they were at those ages...
- Daniel Collins: Go talk to your mother.
- Skip Collins: You talk to her, alright? She's a downer.
- Daniel Collins: She's a widow.
- Skip Collins: She was a downer first.
- Lucy Collins: What're you laughing at?
- Ted Collins: I don't know.
- Fred Collins: But I can't wait to find out what you two vageniuses are up to.
- Judy: What did you just say?
- Ted Collins: Lez vocab word!
- Lucy Collins: [to Judy] What did he just call us?
- Judy: Vageniuses.
- Fred Collins: It's a compound compliment.
- Alice Collins: It won't work. Everyone knows that the only gay relationships that last are the ones between people of the same height.
- Alice Collins: I'm sorry, I live in the real world. I work hard at raising a decent family. You don't see me prancing around in my pajamas all day, starting up pillow fights with my topless girlfriend...
- Kate Collins: ...What are we talking about?
- [first lines]
- Kate Collins: [practicing out loud] Hey, you don't know me... I don't know you...
- Kate Collins: [narration] Twice in my life I've had to deliver bad news to someone I'd never met. The first time involved a cat that ran out in the middle of my driver's test. This time was a bit trickier.
- Skip Collins: When I die I want to be cremated, and ashes mixed with the ink that the government uses to print money. Yeah. Then I'll be everywhere.
- Skip Collins: My pop never told me. He never told me... How much he...
- Fred Collins: Stop.
- Skip Collins: What?
- Ted Collins: You were going to say the L word.
- Skip Collins: I just...
- Ted Collins: Dad, we know how you feel. Don't cheapen it with words.
- Kate Collins: [narrating about his dad] You may remember him as the Spiffy peanut butter kid. My dad's the one with a spoon in his mouth.
- Commercial Dad: What is it son?
- Young Daniel: Something is stuck to my tongue.
- Kate Collins: [narrating] Must be *weird* to have your career *peak* at 8. Now, he works mostly in obscure foreign films.
- Kate Collins: [narrating] He always acted like he had a crush on me. And I always acted like I didn't notice.
- Daniel Collins: I think that marriage is based on commitment and communication and not necessarily the presence of penis.
- Delilah the Neighbor: [crying] Poor Barbara!
- Kate Collins: What do you mean?
- Delilah the Neighbor: I don't know what to say.
- Kate Collins: You're not Barbara?
- Delilah the Neighbor: Edmund was the best neighbor I ever had.