- Teacher: [Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind] Vicky aren't you going to take your baby?
- Vicky Pollard: No don't worry I've got loads at home.
- Narrator: When people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. If they want to buy a pet shop shop, well, they're just being silly.
- Marjorie Dawes: What else do we have cravings of? Yes, Meera.
- Meera: Fish and chips.
- Marjorie Dawes: I'm sorry?
- Meera: Fish and chips.
- Marjorie Dawes: Say again, sorry.
- Meera: Fish and chips.
- Marjorie Dawes: Oh, right, some dish we don't get over here.
- [writing down on wipeboard]
- Marjorie Dawes: Curry.
- Narrator: Britain, Britain, Britain. We've had running water for over ten years, we have a tunnel connecting us to Peru, and we invented the cat.
- Narrator: This is the home of romance novelist, Dame Sally. I've always wanted to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen.
- Denver Mills: I'd like to welcome you all to the Annual Police Dinner. My name is Denver Mills and I am a former Olympic Silver Medallist. When I think about it, being an Olympic runner, is a lot like being a police officer-we both spend most of our running chasing after black guys, but the difference is I actually beat some of mine, not just BEAT them like you do.
- [Silence. Denver exits the stage with a bottle of alcohol]
- [the Fat Fighters are discussing foods]
- Marjorie Dawes: Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like.
- Mrs. Williams: [about Daffyd] I've said it before Vicar, and I'll say it again - what that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse!
- Lou: It's your birthday coming up, and I've booked a table up the Harvester.
- Andy: Yeah, I know.
- Lou: Is there anyone you want me to invite?
- Andy: George Michaels.
- Lou: George Michaels? We don't know him.
- Andy: Yeah, I know.
- Lou: I don't think he'd come. And besides, you don't like George Michaels. You said that "Jesus to a Child" aside, you found his output emotionally vapid.
- Andy: Yeah, I know.
- Lou: What about your brother, Declan?
- Andy: George Michaels!
- George Michael: Hello, Andy.
- [pause]
- George Michael: Nice to meet you
- [pause]
- George Michael: . Happy birthday.
- Andy: I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.
- Lou: Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.
- Andy: Tell him that "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.
- Narrator: Until a law is passed to imprison fat people, they are free to roam our streets and attend slimmers' clubs like this one...
- Narrator: Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules - no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.
- Social Worker: Vicky, where is your baby?
- Vicky Pollard: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
- Social Worker: Vicky, how could you do such a thing?
- Vicky Pollard: I know. They're rubbish.
- Old Ma Evans' lodger: Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay.
- Daffyd: No, you are not a gay. I am the gay. You're probably just a little bit poofy!
- Narrator: With nothing to watch but repeats on the telly of Doctor Who, Medics, and that episode of Blackadder II I was on, Lou and Andy go to rent a video.
- Jeremy Rent: [to Dennis Waterman about his role in a stage production of Macbeth] No, it's straight theatre. No music. So what do you think?
- [pause]
- Dennis Waterman: [singing]
- Dennis Waterman: Mr. Macbeth is a naughty ma-an, do do do do / He gone and killed anudder ma-an, do do do do / I hath a good idea / Just thou keep me near / I'll be so go-od for the Scottish play...
- Jeremy Rent: I'll tell 'em you're busy...
- Narrator: British justice is the best in the world. Anyone who disagrees is either gay, a woman or a mental.
- Marjorie Dawes: Oooooh, I love a bit of cake. Oooooh, cake. Oooooh, cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. I'm just one of these people. I come home and I need a piece of cake.
- Vicky Pollard: No, but yeah, but no, because if you don't let me in then Blazin' Squad are well gonna give you beatings because I've actually already met them already anyway, actually, down at the Radio 1 Roadshow at Weston Super-Mare!
- [to friend]
- Vicky Pollard: You remember, it was the time I got fingered by Chris Mars and Hayley Evers reckons she saw Joe Wylans taking a dump in the sea.
- [to bouncer]
- Vicky Pollard: But, anyway I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should definitely come backstage and see 'em and do 'em, and anyway I do know them already because I'm their assistant. And if Rowan Gordon says I'm not then don't listen to him because everyone knows he's mental because he once shoved his knob through Miss Mayal's letterbox.
- Police Officer: You do know it's an offence to waste police time?
- Vicky Pollard: No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'.
- Daffyd: Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am...
- [deep breath]
- Father: Asthmatic?
- Daffyd: No! I am... a gay! Oh!
- Mother: Very nice.
- Father: Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.
- Daffyd: So you don't mind?
- Father: No.
- Daffyd: So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?
- Mother: Eh? Oh, no. Quite frankly, we did had an inkling.
- [washes Daffyd's gay clothes]
- Marjorie Dawes: [after being told she's too fat to run fat-fighters] Well you can take your fat fighters and shove them up your fat arse! That's right, screeeeeeeeeew you!
- Marjorie Dawes: What advice can we give to Babara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul?
- Fat Fighter: [sighs] Cut out biscuits?
- Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits! erm... Mary?
- Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
- Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar, but I think the best advice any of us can give you, is to look at the person on the inside, because you're obviously a very unhappy person...
- Barbara: No, I'm not!
- Marjorie Dawes: Well, you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you, but that's not for here... but as far as she's concerned, if you were knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
- Scottish Guy: I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly... what am I?
- Mike: Hey, you open for afternoon tea?
- Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
- [plays tune on flute]
- Mike: Oh, OK.
- [starts to walk out]
- Scottish Guy: No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down.
- [shows them to a table]
- Mother: Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?
- Kimberly: It smells funny in here!
- Scottish Guy: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
- [puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]
- Scottish Guy: Here I am with the cake trolley.
- Mother: Mm, those look good, don't they honey?
- Kimberly: I want the chocolate cake.
- Mother: OK, OK, honey
- [to Scottish guy]
- Mother: Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?
- Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
- Kimberly: What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?
- Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
- Mike: Well, which?
- Scottish Guy: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
- [listens]
- Scottish Guy: The carrot cake contains? no nuts.
- Scottish Guy: [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?
- [listens]
- Scottish Guy: The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts
- [plays flute]
- Scottish Guy: No nuts.
- Scottish Guy: [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?
- [listens]
- Scottish Guy: [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
- Mike: [takes cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?