- Jimmy: It's been 10 weeks since Otis was born and you combine that with the last nine weeks of pregnancy and we haven't done it in almost five months. I miss it in there.
- Beth: I know, it's just... Well, last time it was in there for nine months and it kinda trashed the place.
- Jimmy: OK, fair enough. Any other vacancies in the building?
- Jimmy: Before your wife has the baby she is a sex machine. Ok, after the baby is born, the ol' sex machine shuts down for a while and, uh... Well, you gotta use the hand crank.
- Jimmy: You're better at diapers than me. You get to all the nooks and crannies. The kid's like an English muffin down there.
- Jimmy: I think we should consider traditional gender roles. You gather the laundry, dishes, and diapers and I will hunt for bison... and porn on the Internet.
- Carl: Hey, I found this new sports bar where we can watch the game. It's kinda like Hooters only it's for butts. It's called Assies.
- Kelly: Hey, what a great Sunday! I get to watch the game while your wife entertains the old balls-and-chain... You heard me!
- [Jimmy smokes pot but doesn't tell Beth]
- Carl: As Johnnie Cochran would say, "If you take a hit, you must omit."
- [Jimmy takes out a million-dollar insurance policy on himself]
- Jimmy: Yeah, I want Beth to be taken care of but, you know, I don't wanna give her too much incentive to have me whacked.
- Carl: Man, for a million dollars, I'd whack ya.
- Jimmy: OK, when you say "whack", you mean "kill", right?
- Carl: Either way.
- Jimmy: If I have to clip one more coupon I'm gonna slit my wrists. Oh, that reminds me, I have a coupon for Band-Aids.
- Bill: Man, you look as white as the cast of Friends.