- Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
- Tobias Fünke: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
- Tobias Fünke: Nothing wrong with that.
- Tobias Fünke: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
- Tobias Fünke: It's out of context.
- Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
- Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
- Tobias Fünke: Tobias, you blowhard.
- [chuckles]
- Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
- George Michael Bluth: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
- Gob: That's my son, you pothead.
- Tobias Fünke: So what are your plans for this evening?
- Bob Loblaw: I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
- Tobias Fünke: Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful.
- Tobias Fünke: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
- Tobias Fünke: [as Mrs. Featherbottom] O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth?
- [laughs]
- Tobias Fünke: Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.
- Michael: We just call it a sausage.
- Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pendants?
- Michael: That's a cross.
- Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Across from where?
- Buster: [Confronting Lucille about his birth father] You lied to me... you said my FATHER was my father, but my UNCLE is my father. MY FATHER IS MY UNCLE.
- Tobias Fünke: Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.
- George Michael Bluth: Please don't call yourself that.
- Gob: [talking about his new boat] The Seaward.
- Michael: You're not getting a boat.
- Gob: [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
- Michael: You're not gonna do it...
- [does rock]
- Michael: .
- Gob: Paper covers rock.
- Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.
- Lucille: [entering room] Michael.
- Michael: Just a minute mom.
- [to GOB]
- Michael: . Get rid of the Seaward.
- Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
- Rita: And they think the stupidest things are funny.
- Michael Bluth: Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
- Narrator: Hey. That's the name of the show.
- Transvestite Store Clerk: Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?
- Tobias Fünke: Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious.
- [Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]
- Michael: One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
- Gob: So you came back here to hide like a child.
- Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
- Gob: Hiding from a child. Big difference.
- Michael: Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
- Gob: He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
- [Schmaltzy music begins to play]
- Michael: You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
- Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
- Michael: Could it be love?
- Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
- [the music reaches its crescendo]
- Gob: Maybe I am ready to be a father.
- Michael Bluth: [calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob] I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.
- Lucille: You would do that to your brother?
- Michael Bluth: I said "cot".
- Lindsay Funke: Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
- Michael Bluth: That's not true. That's not true at all.
- Lindsay Funke: [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
- Michael Bluth: What is that? Is that a chicken?
- George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: What's this?
- Lindsay Funke: Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
- Michael Bluth: No, I'm not.
- George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: This is priceless.
- [Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
- George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
- Michael Bluth: Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!
- [Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
- Tobias Fünke: What are you doing up here?
- George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
- [he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
- George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
- Tobias Fünke: No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
- Buster: It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.
- Michael: I burned it. Down to the ground.
- George Sr.: There was money in that banana stand.
- Michael: Well, it's all gone now.
- George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
- Michael: What?
- George Sr.: Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
- [strangles Michael]
- George Sr.: [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.
- Prison guard: [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.
- George Sr.: No touching.
- Prison guard: No touching.
- Michael: What do you think of when you hear the name, "Sudden Valley"?
- George Michael Bluth: Salad dressing. But for some reason, I don't want to eat it.
- Michael: What about, "Paradise Gardens"?
- George Michael Bluth: Yeah... I can see marinating a chicken from that.
- Michael Bluth: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
- George Sr.: First time.
- Michael Bluth: I've never heard of a second.
- George Sr.: I got the worst
- [bleep]
- George Sr.: -ing attorneys.
- Michael: You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
- Gob: Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
- Narrator: In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
- Gob: [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
- [in the elevator]
- Gob: Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
- [in the bathroom]
- Gob: Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.
- Gob: Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.
- Michael: No, no I'm not...
- Gob: One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
- Michael: It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
- Gob: There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...
- Tobias Funke: Where the fuck are my hard-boiled eggs?
- Michael: Are you serious?
- Wayne Jarvis: Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.
- Steve Holt: I've made a huge mistake.
- Gob: I know the feeling. I had you. I'm your father, Steve Holt. I can't hide from it any more.
- Steve Holt: I won't forget this... Dad.
- Gob: [swallows roofie] I will. I will.
- Gob: I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.
- Wayne Jarvis: I have a picture taken by a traffic camera of you escorting your father.
- [hands it to Michael]
- Barry Zuckerkorn: Are you sure these aren't balls? Because last time, they were balls.
- Barry Zuckerkorn: [Barry is handed the picture of Michael and George Sr. in the stair car] I really wish they were balls.
- Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
- [Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
- Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
- Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
- Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
- [bleep]
- Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
- [the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
- George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
- [strangles Franklin]
- Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
- Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
- Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
- Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
- [Tobias has painted himself blue]
- Tobias Funke: I blue myself.
- Michael Bluth: There has got to be a better way to say that.
- George Sr.: I think it's a mistake letting George Michael go on this church thing.
- Michael: Her name is Ann, Dad, and he's not "going on" her.
- Lindsay Funke: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
- Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.
- [server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]
- Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
- Lindsay Funke: That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
- Lucille: Mine was better.
- Tobias Fünke: [while at a western-themed resort] Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.