- The Postal Dude: Hey I'm just trying to exercise my second-amendment rights here ya fuckin' Communist!
- The Postal Dude: I know what you're thinking, but the funny thing is, I don't even LIKE videogames...
- The Postal Dude: I suppose it would have been more politically correct to kill the women and the minorities first.
- The Postal Dude: [shoots someone] That one's for your mother!
- [shoots another person]
- The Postal Dude: That one's for the Pope!
- [shoots another person]
- The Postal Dude: That one's for Bobo the space-monkey!
- [shoots someone else]
- The Postal Dude: That one's cause I have ammo left in my gun!
- [shoots last person, bells ring]
- The Postal Dude: That one's 'cause I can!
- The Postal Dude: Bless me, Father, for I have REALLY sinned. No, really! I'm not kidding here! *Big* sinner. Yup!
- The Postal Dude: Here I was, just minding my own business enjoying my Second Amendment rights, and you people have to freak out on me!
- The Postal Dude: [after finding that it's the apocalypse in the newspaper] Hmm... Normally, I'd expect a fancy cinematic to explain such a crucial story element. The font is nice, though.
- Gary Coleman: If I see you selling this on ebay, I will come to your house and kick your narrow ass!
- The Postal Dude: [Entering Lucky Ganesh All-American grocery store] Did somebody slaughter a goat in here? Seriously, I wanna know.
- The Postal Dude: [at the end of the game] Honey, you won't believe the day I've had!
- Postal Dude's Wife: Did you remember my Rocky Road?
- The Postal Dude: D'oh!
- [gunshot]
- The Postal Dude: [after shooting someone while you're dressed as a cop] Someone stole my donuts, and now you're all gonna pay!
- ATF: [the ATF has a compound surrounded]
- [Through a loudspeaker]
- ATF: This is the ATF. Please stay inside. Do not attempt to leave the building. Pay no attention to the men with the torches.
- Uncle Dave: Stop oppressing us! We're innocent bystanders!
- ATF: [Through a loudspeaker] We recommend you douse yourselves with something flammable, and gather in a confined space.
- Uncle Dave: The good book told me to make you die. Then myself.
- ATF Agent #1: Someone's gotta take over, now!
- ATF Agent #2: I ain't dying for this.
- ATF SAC: I want this situation neutralized. Move out!
- ATF Agent #1: I'm on it.
- [Sprints towards compound, holding a napalm canister launcher]
- ATF SAC: Go go go!
- Davidian Sniper: [ATF Agent #1 fires a canister at the compound. The Davidian Sniper shoots back] We're not zealots! Eat lead and die, unbelieving heathen scum!
- ATF SAC: Secure the area. Comb the perimeter.
- The Postal Dude: [Petition signing line #2] Look, just sign the stupid petition -- I've got stuff to do.
- The Postal Dude: [Petition signing line #3] Will you sign this petition, *or* will it be your surviving family members?
- Vince Desi: Nothing personal, man, but you're fired.
- The Postal Dude: ...but, I just started yesterday!
- Postal Dude's Wife: And when you're done screwing around, I left a list of chores for you on the fridge!
- The Postal Dude: [*annoyed*] Jesus, woman...