- Henry Hale: I fear the presence of the outsiders will attract those of whom we do not speak.
- Female Elder #2: But if you talk about those of whom we do not speak, have you not spoken of that about which we do not talk.
- Henry Hale: Do not speak of that of about which we talk of not speaking... about.
- [first lines]
- Shaquille O'Neal: [screaming] Help! Help! Am I dead?
- Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: You're not dead. You've been taken against your will.
- Shaquille O'Neal: Kobe?
- Robbie: Dad, talk to me! What's happening?
- Tom Ryan: There's no time to explain.
- [a man runs past the window, screaming]
- 'Alien Attack!': Alien attack!
- Tom Ryan: Well, actually, that about sums it up.
- Brenda Meeks: Here's Detroit.
- [Points to a TV showing a destroyed city]
- Brenda Meeks: Here's Detroit after the invasion.
- [City is still destroyed, but now tripods are roaming around]
- Brenda: [having a nightmare] Lil' Kim- Lil' Kim got my sandwich. Look out- Russell Crowe's got a phone! R.Kelly, don't pee on me! MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS! Where are we?
- Cindy Campbell: I'm not sure, but I think were close. It's supposed to be near mile 62.
- Brenda: Is something wrong?
- Cindy Campbell: No, it's just... I met this guy, and I wonder if he's safe. Oh, you'd love him, Brenda.
- Brenda: What's his name? I might've already loved him.
- Cindy Campbell: Tom Ryan.
- Brenda: Yeah, did him. Big, fat Chinese guy?
- Cindy Campbell: No... No.
- Cindy Campbell: [relieved] But he is the kind of guy I'd like to share the rest of my life with.
- President Harris: [to the U.N] So, an Indian, a Frenchman, and the Pope are all on a plane. The pilot says, "Hey, are any of you not circumcised?" So the Pope lifts up his robe and says, "Shut up, stupid! You don't even speak English!" The Israeli asks the Japanese guy to open his eyes, but the Japanese man says, "I'm not squinting you crazy Jew, you're the one who sold me these cheap glasses!" What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog shit? The Belgian drinks wine, but the dog shit smells good.
- Oliver: This ain't a war, anymore than a war between men and maggots. Or, dragons and wolves. Or, men riding dragons, throwing wolves at maggots.
- [From Trailer]
- Tom Ryan: [after hitting Cindy with a baseball] Oh, hey, I'm sorry!
- Cindy Campbell: Oh, it's okay. I've taken balls to the face before.
- Tom Ryan: Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feeling like a zombie!
- C. J.: Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real.
- Mahalik: Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?
- C. J.: Yeah.
- Mahalik: She told me that she heard a zombie going through her trash the other day. The next morning, she turned up missing.
- Tom Ryan: Uh...
- C. J.: [C.J. interrupts] What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?
- Mahalik: 'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!
- Tom Ryan: Guys, I'm trying to ask...
- C. J.: [C.J. interrupts again] So you telling me that you can appear and disappear at the same time.
- Mahalik: No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield!
- Tom Ryan: Uh, guys...
- C. J.: [C.J. interrupts yet again] Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missing. And when you're missing, you never turn up.
- Mahalik: Unless... you a zombie.
- C. J.: Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that.
- Mahalik: I'm gonna put that on MySpace.
- C. J.: You do that!
- Brenda Meeks: [Mouthing] You and me should get it on!
- Jeremiah: Elder Hale. We should welcome the outsiders among us.
- Henry Hale: Jeremiah, ought not your tongue be held?
- Jeremiah: I am sorry, Elder Hale... but sometimes my tongue wiggles beyond my ability to control it.
- Brenda Meeks: This is a problem with which I have had much experience. Maybe I could help him in a room in which there are no others. Or you can all watch. I don't give a shit.
- Shaquille O'Neal: [Trying to saw through his chains] AHHH! This will never work.
- Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: Of course, he wants us to cut through our feet.
- Shaquille O'Neal: You go first.
- Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: Bullshit!
- Shaquille O'Neal: Yeah, you're probably not man enough. I guess your momma was right.
- Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: Never!
- [Holds up saw]
- Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: Who's the coward now, momma?
- [Starts cutting through his foot]
- Brenda: Hey, Cindy! Look, I'm on TV, y'all! Check it out! I'm gonna give a shout out to all my peeps!
- [Jigsaw turns round and slaps Brenda in the face]
- Brenda: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?
- [bashing Jigsaw's face into the camara]
- Brenda: NO ONE... BITCH SLAPS... BRENDA!
- Saw Villain: Zoltar, help!
- [Zoltar comes in and hits Brenda over the head with a metal pipe]
- Saw Villain: Oh, oh! This is some bullshit!
- [Brenda grabs the pipe and wacks Jigsaw with it before pushing Zoltar out of view]
- Saw Villain: Tell me you didn't catch anything.
- Zoltar: No, it's cool. She said she was a virgin.
- Saw Villain: [sighs] We are so fucked.
- [Unrated Version]
- Tom Ryan: I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.
- Cindy Campbell: I did. What exactly is an "cock monger"?
- Tom Ryan: That's not important right now.
- [a terrorist jumps out of a van during the TriPod invasion. He has several sticks of dynamite strapped to him]
- Terrorist: AHA! Death to America!
- [he presses the trigger for the bomb, but it doesn't go off]
- Terrorist: Oh, shit!
- [a man runs up to him and knees him in the stomach, dropping him to the floor. About a dozen more people come and beat up the terrorist]
- Crowd: Kill him! Kill him!
- Narrator: And so, love triumphed in the end and the invaders were destroyed. For this world, our world is the world of man. We have earned the right to live here and as long as we love, humanity will prevail. Each of our enemies has failed in their quest to defeat us. Each has been undone by their own nefarious plans. Among all worlds, across all galaxies, we stand above, we stand alone. None can threaten our existence, none can challenge our spirit. And why? Of all the qualities that make us unique, it is love that is our greatest strength. And because of love, mankind...
- [Narrator gets hit by a bus]
- Jigsaw: [to Shaquille O'Neal and Dr. Phil] You're both here because you like playing games with people.
- Secret Service Agent: Mr. President, the country is under attack by aliens.
- President Harris: I'll deal with that later. Right now I want to find out what happens to the duck.
- Secret Service Agent: More people will die!
- President Harris: The people will die regardless. But this duck still has a fighting chance.
- Secret Service Agent: Sir, I've read the book. The duck dies!
- [the President spits milk all over the elementary school kids]
- President Harris: Good God! That's horrible!
- C. J.: [Mahalik reaches over C.J. for a bag of nuts] Hey, what you doing?
- Mahalik: Relax man. I'm just trying to grab some nuts.
- Mahalik: [reaches over Mahalik for his bag of peanuts] C.J., what are you doin'?
- C. J.: I just wanna eat some peanuts.
- Mahalik: Huh?
- C. J.: [holds up a bag of peanuts] See? Peanuts.
- [Dr. Phil successfully cuts off his foot]
- Shaquille O'Neal: Oh, my God!
- Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: I did it. We're saved.
- [Shaq points at the sawed off foot]
- Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: What's wrong?
- Shaquille O'Neal: Wrong foot.
- Dr. Phillip C. McGraw: Motherfu...
- [faints]
- Holly: [after farting for an awkwardly long time in front of the court house people] I'm not in my house, am I?
- Cindy Campbell: That last lightning bolt smelled like...
- Rachel: ...A giant turd...
- Tom Ryan: Yeah... the lightning...
- Tom's Neighbor #1: Why is the sky so dark?
- Tom's Neighbor #2: Why is the wind moving toward the storm?
- Tom's Neighbor #3: [sees laundry flapping in the wind] Why doesn't anyone have dryers?
- Marilyn: [Tom pulls up in his car] Late again, Tom.
- Tom Ryan: Hey, Marilyn.
- Marilyn: I thought you were moving.
- Tom Ryan: Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.
- Marilyn: No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."
- Cindy Campbell: Oh, Brenda, I know you'd love him.
- Brenda Meeks: What's his name, I may have already loved him.
- Cindy Campbell: Tom Ryan.
- Brenda Meeks: Yep, did him. Big Chinese dude, right?
- Harper: Sir, you're naked too!
- President Harris: I am? I thought this was a wrinkly leather coat!
- [points to his nipples]
- President Harris: Then these aren't buttons?
- Harper: No.
- President Harris: And I've been pulling this thing up and down as if it was a zipper!
- Cindy Campbell: Last night I saw a face.
- Tom Ryan: Did it have a nose?
- Cindy Campbell: Well... yeah.
- Tom Ryan: That does sound like a face.
- Cindy Campbell: [to Tom] I was married once...
- Cindy's Husband: [Flashback] Get out the way, bitch!
- Cindy Campbell: Don't call me no bitch! You ain't shit!
- Cindy's Husband: Shut yo ass up, snow ho!
- [Cindy throws glass bottle]
- Cindy Campbell: [flashback ends] Well, actually, married twice.
- Saw Villain: Let the game begin.
- Cindy Campbell: I... I don't get.
- Saw Villain: Okay... maybe this will help you "see."
- [a knife comes out from the wall]
- Cindy Campbell: You want me to cut something?
- Saw Villain: That should be obvious, yes.
- [she goes to cut her wrist]
- Saw Villain: No.
- [she reaches out to cut Brenda's shoulder]
- Saw Villain: No! The key is behind your eye, okay?
- Henry Hale: Martha I believe you have some tidings?
- Female Elder #2: Nathaniel Winston and Alice Smith have informed me of there intentions. He plans to have sex with her as soon as possible; she intends to put up a mild fight and then give in.
- [elderly women sitting in chair nods her head in agreement]
- Gloating Driver: Ey! I got the last workin' car in New York! This is how I roll, bitches! Haha!
- [Brenda throws car part at Lil' Jon's head]
- Gloating Driver: AAHH!
- [gets knocked unconscious, car bumps into a trash pile and stops]
- Brenda: You're right, Cindy! That worked pretty well.
- Cindy Campbell: Hello?
- [Japanese Ghost Boy doesn't respond]
- Cindy Campbell: Herro?
- [Hello?]
- Cindy Campbell: Hibachi Benihana Teriyaki?
- [Do you live here?]
- Japanese Ghost Boy: Nagasaki Okinawa Hokkaido Yokohama.
- [Your Japanese is awful. It dishonors my ears]
- Cindy Campbell: Karate Judo Sumo Samurai?
- [Are you a ghost?]
- Japanese Ghost Boy: Nissan, Honda, Mitsubishi, Subaru
- [Yes. I was killed and my soul walks the earth!]
- Cindy Campbell: Harikari Tsunami. Kamikaze Banzai
- [How sad. My life is also tragic]
- Japanese Ghost Boy: Yamaha, Nikon, Casio, Aiwa
- [You mistake me for someone who gives a shit]
- Japanese Ghost Boy: Minolta, Hitachi, Seiko, Toshiba
- [I know the secret of defeating the aliens]
- Cindy Campbell: Buddha! Shiitake Kimono!
- [My God! Tell Me!]
- Japanese Ghost Boy: Tempura, Sushi, Sashimi!
- [the answer is within my father's heart! Follow the blood!]
- Cindy Campbell: Fujitsu!
- [Wait!]
- Tom Ryan: I'm not a very good father. Just ask my son.
- Cindy Campbell: I did. What exactly is a "taint-licker"?
- Tom Ryan: That's not important right now.
- Tom Ryan: I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.
- Cindy Campbell: I did. What exactly is an "Ass Clown"?
- Tom Ryan: That's not important right now.