- Sin LaSalle: Have you lost your mind? I mean, how is it that you can disrespect a mans ethnicity when you know we've influenced nearly every facet of white America... from our music to our style of dress. Not to mention your basic imitation of our sense of cool; walk, talk, dress, mannerisms... we enrich your very existence, all the while contributing to the gross national product through our achievements in corporate America. It's these conceits that comfort me when I am faced with the ignorant, cowardly, bitter and bigoted, who *have* no talent, no guts? people like you who desecrate things they don't understand when the truth is - you should say thank-you, man? and go on about your way. But apparently you are incapable of doing that! So...
- [shoots his gun]
- Sin LaSalle: ... and don't tell me to be cool. I *am* cool!
- Steven Tyler: [after listening to Linda Moon singing after the Lakers game on the tape]
- Steven Tyler: Look, she sounds cool. But I have to tell you guys something. I'm not one of those singers who appear in movies. I made it this far without doing it.
- Raji: Man in the suit. You in town for some kind of convention?
- Chili Palmer: No, but if I was, you'd be the man to see, am I right?
- Raji: Why would you say something like that?
- Chili Palmer: The way you're dressed, you're either a pimp or a limo driver.
- Raji: We've got jokes? You some kind of a weak-ass comedian?
- Chili Palmer: Raji, look at me.
- Raji: I'm looking at you, man!
- Chili Palmer: You say you're looking at me, but are you really looking at me?
- Raji: I'm really looking at you. You got something stupid to say? Say it, so I can be done with you.
- Chili Palmer: Linda's quit. She's out of The Chicks
- Raji: Man, miss me with that. She's got five years left in her contract.
- Chili Palmer: Well, I've just canceled it.
- Raji: You come walking out of the dark. Who are you supposed to be?
- Chili Palmer: I'm the one setting you straight. I'm Linda's new manager.
- Chili Palmer: You know unless you're willing to use the R-rating you can only use the f-word once?
- Tommy Athens: You're kidding me.
- Chili Palmer: No. You know what I say? Fuck that.
- Chili Palmer: What's this movie about?
- Tommy Athens: Me!
- Chili Palmer: I couldn't even get your mother to watch that movie.
- Dabu: You don't even have to say it, I already know... Don't give me no damn gun! You know what I'm gonna do with it!
- Raji: Nice ass won't get you through your whole life. Once you turn thirty you better have a personality.
- Sin LaSalle: [Dabu keeps slurping loudly on noodles while Sin is trying to talk to Chili] Dabu! Could you make your dining experience a little less obtrusive?
- Edie Athens: Hey, look. Steven Tyler's in town.
- Chili Palmer: Yeah.
- Edie Athens: Aerosmith playing at the Staples Center. Tell me Dream On is not the greatest rock and roll song you have ever heard.
- Chili Palmer: You know what we oughta do? We oughta call him.
- Edie Athens: Call who?
- Chili Palmer: Steven.
- Edie Athens: Why?
- Chili Palmer: So he could listen to Linda's music, he could see for him self that it's terrific, and maybe he'll help us launch her career at his concert.
- Edie Athens: That's a great idea, Chill.
- Chili Palmer: Yeah.
- Edie Athens: Hey, and maybe Bono and Sting will come down and we could all cut a Christmas album.
- Chili Palmer: You know him, don't you?
- Edie Athens: Know him? Steven Tyler? Chili, I know his socks.
- Chili Palmer: Edie, you have a tattoo of Aerosmith on your ass. You can't get a meeting with him? We want Steven Tyler, we'll get Steven Tyler.
- [from trailer]
- Chili Palmer: [about a Honda Insight] It's the Cadillac of hybrids.
- Martin Weir: But what about speed?
- Chili Palmer: If you're important, people will wait.
- Raji: Why're you tripping on me, Elliot? Are you still crying over that Chili Palmer shit?
- Elliot Wilhelm: No. He just said... he said he was gonna to call me, that's all.
- Raji: And did he call you back? He's just messing your head, man! Ain't no Samoan faggot going by the name of Elliot Wilhelm is gonna make it to the big screen! Raising a goddamn eyebrow. I understand shit like this cause I ain't a homo. Once you turn faggot, you lose all the self respect. You're not wired right!
- [Elliot suddenly brakes the car hard]
- Raji: Man, what the hell you stopping the car for? What are you doing? Get your ass back in the car!
- Elliot Wilhelm: I'm going to kick your ass!
- Raji: Steering wheel's in the front of the car, fool! What's up, what?
- Elliot Wilhelm: You say it again and I quit!
- [from trailer]
- [trying on clothes]
- Elliot Wilhelm: Whoo! Scorchin'!
- [smacks his butt and looks at the manager]
- Elliot Wilhelm: Like that?
- Darryl: I wanna pick this up.
- Roman Bulkin: Get your black ass out of here.
- Darryl: You know what you tell a man with two black eyes? Nothing. He has been told twice. Now, are you gonna get me what I came here for... or are going to have a problem?
- [shows him the batch]
- Roman Bulkin: Da.
- Sin LaSalle: Hello.
- Raji: Sin LaSalle?
- Sin LaSalle: Yeah, who wants to know?
- Raji: Shut your punk ass mouth! NTL owes you 300 large, right? Chili Palmer was going to pay you, but Nick Carr says, "Sin LaSalle? Man, I wouldn't give my money to that Alabama porch monkey!"
- Sin LaSalle: Alabama porch mo... Nick Carr said that?
- Raji: Man, you heard me, fool! He told Chili go give him the 300 grand instead in exchange for some goddamn contract and what not. Look man, you want your chips? Do you want your chips? Then you best see Nick Carr. C.A.R.
- Sin LaSalle: If I want my chips? Yeah, I want my chips. Who is this?
- Raji: I'm the one schooling you, son!
- Sin LaSalle: Your man here says you got our money.
- Raji: I can explain it to you!
- Nick Carr: Raji said that?
- Raji: It's a misunderstanding!
- Sin LaSalle: Would you shut up! Let me tell you something. NTL owes us 300 grand. Now, from my understanding, Chili Palmer took that money and gave it to you for some goddamn contract.
- Nick Carr: Raji said that? He's full of shit!
- Sin LaSalle: Watch what you say, cause we will drop his ass. Take him outside.
- Raji: Come on man, easy!
- Nick Carr: Don't land on my Porsche.
- Fast Freddie: Who are all these people trying to kill you?
- Chili Palmer: I don't know. I'm in the music business now. It could be anybody.
- Sin LaSalle: Dabu, Tea? What's with the finger what's that?
- Sin LaSalle: That's not gangsta! That's not gangsta!
- Dabu: Got you.
- [Sin LaSalle and the DubMD's are standing in front of Chili Palmer's Insight]
- Sin LaSalle: Well, imagine the odds, me and my crew was just out getting' some Mongolian barbecue and we stumble across your ol' weak ass ride.
- Chili Palmer: Did you leave any food in Mongolia?
- Chili Palmer: How many miles to the gallon to you get on those Hummers, about 12?
- Dabu: Nine.
- Sin LaSalle: Dabu! Thank you, Mr. Goodwrench.
- Chili Palmer: Evening, gentlemen. Interesting choice of music.
- Sin LaSalle: "That cold black cloud's comin' down." Gotta love Dylan, man. Biograph. It's a great album. You know, we wouldn't have this song without it.
- Chili Palmer: But we would've. Because, you see, Dylan wrote that originally for that Peckinpah movie with James Coburn.
- Sin LaSalle: You're in no position to correct me.
- Chili Palmer: It was to a soundtrack. Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid.
- Dabu: Yup. Same song they played when Slim Pickens died in his wife's arms. Right?
- Chili Palmer: This man knows his westerns.
- Dabu: Good movie.
- Sin LaSalle: [Sarcastically] Gentlemen, thank you very much for that VH1 moment in music history.
- [Dabu continues laughing long after the gang has stopped]
- Sin LaSalle: Excuse me... Chuckles.
- [to Edie]
- Sin LaSalle: My wife's cousin...
- Dabu: What's up, dawg?
- Sin LaSalle: Must you play into the stereotypes? Turn that mess down. This is the suburbs. I'm in that damn neighborhood watch!
- Sin LaSalle: You talk to the PD?
- Dabu: The police? The poli...
- Sin LaSalle: The program director.
- Dabu: Check this out.
- Sin LaSalle: Well, hello Mr. Program Director. You see what happens if you don't spin my records?
- Sin LaSalle: [whacks the PD] Play my records! You hear me? Play! Play! Play my records! Play Dub Records! Dub MD's!
- Chili Palmer: [after seeing Raji in a Mink covered coat and hat] Well, if it isn't Flea Diddy.
- Raji: Man, don't be comin' in here pretendin' you know anything about rap.
- Chili Palmer: Oh, but I know more about rap than you do. I bet you don't even know who the Sugarhill Gang is.
- Raji: But, I know who the Bust Da Cap In Yo Ass Gang is.
- Chili Palmer: [gets up]
- Tommy Athens: Hey, wait. Where are you going?
- Chili Palmer: I'm going to the men's. I just had two ice teas.
- Tommy Athens: Hey, Chil. How does the movie sound?
- Chili Palmer: Well, you don't have a movie yet. You have a setting and a premise. But you don't have character arcs or a plot
- Tommy Athens: [while Chili is going to the restroom] Hey, who will play me? Think about that.
- Chili Palmer: [turns around] What about Carrot Top?
- Edie Athens: [Upon calling Linda] Hey Linda...
- Raji: Do I sound like Linda, biatch?
- Edie Athens: Yo, Vanilla Ice, just put her on the damn phone...!
- Raji: Miss Moon is about way to go on stage right now. Wanna talk to her, it is best to wait after the show. BIAIAAATCH!
- Martin Weir: Hey, Chili, is that your car?
- Chili Palmer: Yeah, it's an Insight, it's the 'Cadillac of Hybrids.'
- Martin Weir: A little tight for a big guy like you.
- Chili Palmer: Small price to pay for the environment.
- [from trailer]
- Linda Moon: That's my manager, Roger.
- Chili Palmer: He talks like that?
- Linda Moon: He thinks he's black.