- David Bloomberg: I'm 23.
- Rafi Gardet: No, you're not. I don't believe you. Let me see the license... Oh, my God! You're a child. Taxi! I have t-shirts older than you.
- David Bloomberg: Are you okay, Grandma?
- Blanch: Like I have a choice? You're okay until you collapse.
- Rafi Gardet: [lying in bed, making love] Are you sure about this?
- David Bloomberg: Yeah, I'm sure.
- Rafi Gardet: Why now?
- David Bloomberg: Because you want this more than anything in the world, and I want to give it to you. I want to make a baby with you.
- Rafi Gardet: I can't.
- David Bloomberg: Why?
- Rafi Gardet: Because I love you and I can't do this to you.
- David Bloomberg: I don't understand, what are you doing, I mean, it actually feels right.
- Rafi Gardet: I just can't.
- David Bloomberg: I want to give this to you.
- Rafi Gardet: I know you do. And it's the sweetest gift anyone has every given me. But it's not right for you. You'll regret it. You know this. The fact that you are still willing just shows how deep your love goes. That's the gift I'm taking from you.
- David Bloomberg: [dog barks at David and pepper spray is sprayed in his eyes from the collar] Ahhhh!
- Rafi Gardet: Oh, my God! Are you OK?
- David Bloomberg: Yeah, I think I'm blind.
- Rafi Gardet: Oh no, better call the pediatrician!
- Rafi Gardet: How old are you?
- David Bloomberg: Actually, I don't speak Vietnamese. Why do you ask?
- Rafi Gardet: Are you being evasive?
- David Bloomberg: I am trying.
- David Bloomberg: [putting his hand forward to the doorman of Rafi's building] Five? Thumbs up? Smile? No? Ah, we'll get there.
- Rafi Gardet: You let me talk to you about his penis?
- Lisa Metzger: Trust me, that was *harder* for me than it was for you.
- David Bloomberg: We're gonna have vacation sex tonight!
- Rafi Gardet: ... What is vacation sex, Dave?
- David Bloomberg: I don't know, but you're gonna get it, girl.
- Rafi Gardet: Did you ever think that I would be this satisfied, I mean sexually?
- Lisa Metzger: Not like this.
- David Bloomberg: I gotta tell you, you are making me nervous in a way I am not really familiar with.
- Morris: Even I can see that it's not that you went out, it's who you went out with. It's like learn-your-fucking-lesson day around here.
- Rafi Gardet: David, who are your roommates?
- Blanch: [calls from upstairs] Is that you David?
- David Bloomberg: ...Yes, go to sleep grandma.
- Rafi Gardet: [falls to the floor in silent laughter, whispering] Oh no!
- [first lines]
- Lisa Metzger: Oh, I'm sorry. It's so hot in here, and I can't figure this stupid thing!
- Morris: Meeting Michelle! What are you going to see, "Beaches"?
- David Bloomberg: You are the wind beneath my wings, man!
- Morris: Hey, did you ever know that you're my hero?
- Rafi Gardet: You were so right about Jewish men. He's so attentive! I mean, of course you know. You're married to one.
- Lisa Metzger: Yes, but he has ADD.
- David Bloomberg: In my family they don't drink anything. It's like Salt Lake City. They'll have maybe a sip of wine every Friday night, on the Sabbath. That's it though. And it's Manischewitz.
- Rafi Gardet: I've never had that.
- David Bloomberg: Do you like Hi-C? 'Cause my mom she likes to keep the wine in the fridge and we'll still be drinking it three months later.
- Rafi Gardet: Well, good Chardonnay can last...
- David Bloomberg: Yeah, it's red.
- [last lines]
- David Bloomberg: Hey!
- Il Buco Bartender: You forgot your hat?
- David Bloomberg: Eh, yeah.
- Il Buco Bartender: Here you go.
- David Bloomberg: Thank you.