- Tommy Gavin: Let me tell you something, sister, you serve two purposes in this house - you can give me a blow job or make me a sandwich. I'm not in the mood for head and I had a late breakfast, so you're shit out of luck.
- Tommy Gavin: Who was that?
- Sean Garrity: [on the phone with Tommy's sister, Maggie] Oh, nobody.
- Tommy Gavin: You don't really need a phone to talk to "nobody".
- Janet Gavin: [She and Sheila are sitting in the kitchen of the firehouse looking at one another and texting insults between them. About one particular text from Sheila] You spelled it wrong.
- Sean Garrity: [He later comes in and glances down at Janet's cell phone, which still has the misspelled word on the screen] What's a "cunf"?
- Tommy Gavin: Listen, you can meet a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.
- Kenny Lou: Yes.
- Tommy Gavin: You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and?
- Kenny Lou: [makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.
- Tommy Gavin: Titty action. You can even grab his sister's ass while the guy is in the same bar.
- Kenny Lou: Yes you could.
- Tommy Gavin: And it would all fall under the giant unbrella rule of, "Sorry, I was drunk."
- Kenny Lou: Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over.
- Tommy Gavin: In fact, that's why the rule was invented all those years ago, by the... Romans?
- Kenny Lou: Earlier than that, my friend: the Druids!
- Tommy Gavin: [counting on his fingers] But girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister:
- [sweeps his hands]
- Tommy Gavin: No pussy!
- Uncle Teddy: [in Tommy's house, the kitchen is an absolute mess] Hey, Tommy! Check it out! I made chili tonight!
- Tommy Gavin: Yeah, no shit. What did ya do, mix it with a goddamn shotgun?
- Tommy Gavin: When I was growing up, I had Sister Mary Shovel Face in school... you get Sharon Stone.
- Chief Jerry Reilly: [watching Sean Garrity and Probie playing Scrabble] Look at this - a meeting of the minds and the minds are a no-show.
- Angie: Oh no.
- Tommy Gavin: What?
- Angie: My ex. He's outside. I can't believe it, this guy won't let it go!
- Tommy Gavin: How did he even know we were here?
- Angie: I told you he follows me around.
- Tommy Gavin: All right. I'm gonna put an end to this right now.
- Angie: Tommy...
- [Tommy gets up]
- Angie: I'm telling you, Sebastian's crazy!
- Tommy Gavin: His name is Sebastian?
- Sebastian: Yeah.
- Tommy Gavin: I think I can handle it.
- [Scene change: outside of the restaurant]
- Tommy Gavin: [to Sebastian] Hey asshole!
- Sebastian: [Nervously drops his keys and picks them back up again] I know who you are! She's mine, she loves me!
- Tommy Gavin: I got news for you, pal! She doesn't love you, she hates your guts, and I'm gonna tell you somethin' else. Next time you come around, I'm not calling the cops. I'm gonna kick your midget little ass myself. OK, "Sebastian"?
- Sebastian: OK, OK. That would be the next time you have the balls to take her out on a date! You got that?
- Tommy Gavin: Really?
- Sebastian: Yeah!
- Tommy Gavin: Really?
- [Makes threatening motion towards Sebastian, and Sebastian drives off]
- Angie: He's leaving?
- Tommy Gavin: Yeah. By the way, this guy's tiny. I've taken bigger shits than this guy.
- Angie: I'm telling you, Tommy.
- Tommy Gavin: He knows kung-fu. Woooh, I'm scared.
- Coroner: Um... she's dead. Her neck is broken. Died instantly.
- Tommy Gavin: I was just talking to her!
- Chief Jerry Reilly: There's no probably about it. I've seen the pictures. She's more of a man than I am.
- Janet Gavin: [to Tommy sometime after their son, Connor, was killed by a drunk driver] You can rescue a little girl whom you don't even know from the third story of a burning building, but you can't keep an eye on your own son?
- Tommy Gavin: [to Garrity, referring to his daughter Colleen, who had come out in a t-shirt and panties during a call] This does NOT go in the spank bank, understand?
- Franco Rivera: In bed, she's a wonder. Out of bed, she's the jolly green goddamn giant. Best piece of ass I ever had.
- Sean Garrity: [the FDNY is losing the hockey game and Kenny Lou is going to lose 500 dollars on the game] Man, I'm gonna lose my 25 bucks.
- Kenny Lou: [looks at Sean for a few seconds. Takes out lighter and lights Seans pants]
- [playing hockey]
- Tommy Gavin: Can you tell this guy to put a helmet on?
- Referee: They're not paying me enough.