- Raz: Can you believe a great battle was once fought here, on the very ground that you now so peacefully graze? Many men died. Some did it for freedom and some for country. Others did it just because they had guns. It's a crazy world, isn't it? Hmmm? Don't you think it's crazy? Hey, I'm talking to you cow. It's because of me that you're not talking French right now. Shame on you, ungrateful cow.
- G-Man: [as a housewife] Although over time my husband will lose desire for me sexually, he will always love my pies.
- Dr. Loboto: Well, I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is, we're going to have to remove your brain... strap it into an armoured battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beams!
- Lili Zanotto: I'm gonna kill you so much.
- Dr. Loboto: The good news is that your insurance should cover the whole thing.
- [pauses]
- Dr. Loboto: Hey, is it getting warm in here?
- Lili Zanotto: No, I'm trying to set you on fire through this stupid hat!
- Dr. Loboto: What a delightfully mean little brain you have! Just what we want!
- G-Man: Plants need to have water poured on them because they have no hands to hold glasses of water.
- Lungfish Civilian: Oh no! Goggalor is headed for the orphanage!
- Lungfish Civilian: [the building gets smashed] No, wait, that wasn't the orphanage!
- Lungfish Civilian: Oh no, that *was* the orphanage!... for dogs, it was the puppy orphanage everyone!
- Coach Oleander: Is your name "Joey"?
- Raz: No.
- Coach Oleander: Because I'm going to call you "Slowy Joey".
- Raz: That's not my name.
- Coach Oleander: What's that, Slowy? I can't hear you! You're talkin' too slow!
- Sasha Nein: Say something hideous and horrible jumps out at you. Something so disgusting that it simply must die.
- [Presses a button on the floor with his foot and a colorful lamp pops out]
- Sasha Nein: Oh... so tacky! Can't... look... directly at it!
- [to Raz]
- Sasha Nein: But I control those feelings, focus them, concentrate, and... Release!
- [He psi-blasts the lamp to smithereens]
- Sasha Nein: And... the world is a better place. Your turn.
- [Raz watches 3 G-Men interrogate a dying Rainbow Squirt]
- G-Man: Who is the Milkman? Where is the Milkman?
- Rainbow Squirt: Come closer... and I'll tell you...
- [the box of Rainbow Treats explodes, killing the four of them]
- Raz: Boy, am I glad I didn't buy a box of those...
- Dalmation: Black velvet hasn't been that badly abused since the last time mom got drunk in her prom dress.
- Raz: Lily! Someone stole Dogan's brain!
- Lili Zanotto: [Stares, shakes her head] No, he's just like that.
- Dr. Loboto: Little boy, I'm afraid that you have a serious mental problem. The trouble originates it this region, that we in the medical profession refer to as... the brain. You see, son, it's just no good! I hate to be so blunt but you have the insanity of a manatee.
- Dogen Boole: I know... everybody's always saying that. What's wrong with my brain, Doctor?
- Dr. Loboto: How should I know? I'm a dentist! But here's what I do know: when a tooth is bad, you pull it!
- Dogen Boole: But, my teeth are fine.
- Dr. Loboto: Yes, that brain's got to go. It's the quickest way to cure what you have... INSANITY OF THE MIND!
- Bonita Soleil: I couldn't hear him much at all, really, until Gloria's mother hit the stage.
- Raz: He didn't like her performance either?
- Bonita Soleil: No, I mean "hit the stage," kersplat! Jumped from the catwalks while Gloria was in Paris.
- Raz: ...Ew.
- Raz: Yeah, that's what the janitor said, too.
- Raz: Bobby! This isn't what it looks like. I...
- Bobby Zilch: Tee... vee...
- [smacks Raz]
- Bobby Zilch: TV!
- Raz: [Going over to Lili] Wow, it sounds like you've got a nasty cold.
- Lili Zanotto: I know. But listen to this! I traced the psychic interference back to Coach Oleander's radio! He's been broadcasting his insane dreams of world denomination in his sleep!
- Raz: So he really IS stealing children's brains to make weapons.
- Lili Zanotto: I know! Isn't it great?
- Raz: How could this possibly be great?
- Lili Zanotto: Because we're in the middle of an honest-to-goodness psychic emergency.
- Raz: Yeah! And Sasha's not here. He left on some official Psychonauts business.
- Lili Zanotto: Milla left a note saying the same thing!
- Raz: Lili! An evil madman is building a fleet of psycho-death tanks to take over the world, and we're the only ones who can stop him!
- Lili Zanotto: OH MY GOD! Let's make out!
- Milla Vodello: [Raz cannot enter water on his Levitation ball] Hmm... that shouldn't be happening. Do you some aversion to water, darling?
- Raz: It's a very long, involved story.
- Milla Vodello: Oh. I understand. You know, darling, it's very normal for a boy your age, so don't be afraid to talk to me if you need to. I'm here for you.
- Elton Fir: Chaaaaarge!
- [Runs onto the obstacle course, only to explode seconds later]
- Raz: What kind of obstacle course is this? That kid just got killed!
- Coach Oleander: He isn't dead, his astral projection just got kicked out of my mind. And I'll kick your *as*tral projection out of my mind too if you don't get moving!
- [overlooking part of Oleander's Basic Braining obstacle course]
- Bobby Zilch: We can't get past this. This is stupid!
- Raz: Hmm, looks like a test. There's probably a secret, more advanced route.
- Bobby Zilch: What's that supposed to mean? You think you're more advanced than me, New Kid?
- Raz: Sorry, what?
- Bobby Zilch: I'm not stupid. You're stupid. The Coach is stupid. This whole camp is stupid! That thing flying towards you is stupid!
- Raz: [while turning around] What's flying towards me? Whoa!
- [Bobby kicks Raz off the ledge]
- Bobby Zilch: Bobby Zilch's foot, that's what! Ya stupid new kid!
- Sheegor: I'm not going to bring you any more brains if you're going to be so mean to them!
- Dr. Loboto: No matter what I do?
- Sheegor: No, no matter what!
- Dr. Loboto: Not even if I...
- [he reaches towards the stove to turn up the heat on a pot over which he holds Mr. Pokeylope, who's Sheegor's beloved turtle, hostage]
- Sheegor: No, don't!
- Dr. Loboto: Not even if I cook you a little...
- Sheegor: Don't, doctor! No!
- Dr. Loboto: ...A little turtle soup?
- Sheegor: Please, Dr. Loboto! No!
- Dr. Loboto: Hm, a nice, hot turtle soup, hmm?
- Sheegor: Noooo!
- Dr. Loboto: Nothing better on a cold night like this than some boiling hot soup!
- Sheegor: You leave Mr. Pokeylope alone!
- Dr. Loboto: Oh. Okay.
- [slight pause]
- Dr. Loboto: Are you sure?
- Sheegor: Nooo! I mean, YES!
- Dr. Loboto: Alright, alright... Oh, why don't I just go ahead and heat you up a cup? It's made from turtles! Turtles that you love! Isn't that right, Mr. Pokeylope?
- Sheegor: Stop-it-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it!
- Dr. Loboto: Okay, well maybe I'll just make some for myself.
- Sheegor: [Running from the room] Yaaaaaahhh!
- Dr. Loboto: Bring me a good brain, Sheegor, or Mr. Pokeylope becomes Mr. SMOKEY-lope! Ha Ha Ha HA! HOO HOO! HO HOO HOO! Smokey-lope! HAAAA!
- [Speaking nonchalantly to the turtle]
- Dr. Loboto: When you're a dentist, you have to learn to have a sense of humor, you know. It helps to calm the patient down.
- Sasha Nein: Young man, I hope you've learned a lesson here today.
- Raz: Yes, I have... that shooting things is fun and useful!
- Ford Cruller: Aw, poor little thing.
- Raz: That poor little thing just tried to kill me about eight different ways!
- Ford Cruller: Well that's not it's fault. This was once just a normal sized lungfish, minding it's own business in a mucus lined air bubble beneath a semi dry lake bed. But judging by the work done on it I suspect Maury has mutated it, accelerated it's growth, and has placed an implant in it's brain to make it do his evil bidding.
- Raz: Aw, poor little thing.
- Hulking Lungfish: You may now call me by my name, Razputin. The name given to me by my people.
- Raz: And what name is it,noble lake creature?
- Hulking Lungfish: Linda.
- [walks back into the lake]
- Raz: What a magical lady.
- Ford Cruller: If you ever want to make me appear, you can do it with this special device.
- Raz: Is that... a piece of bacon?
- Ford Cruller: Oh yeah I just love bacon. I smell that stuff and I can't help it. I drop everything and come runnin'.
- Raz: Ok... do you have like, a little baggie or something I can put this in?
- Ford Cruller: Now you get a move on or I'll eat that right here.
- Raz: Well, here I am, up in the tower of an abandoned insane asylum. Wearing a straitjacket. Talking to myself.