Vince Vaughn credited as playing...
Jeremy Grey
- Jeremy Grey: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
- John Beckwith: Soft mattress?
- Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
- John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
- Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
- [people in the next row turn round and stare at Jeremy]
- John Beckwith: Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
- Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
- Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
- Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
- Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
- Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
- John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
- Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
- John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
- Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
- [makes sputtering motorboat noise]
- Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
- John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
- Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
- John Beckwith: No, what's wrong with you?
- Jeremy Grey: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
- John Beckwith: Drop it.
- Jeremy Grey: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
- John Beckwith: Drop it!
- [starts walking away]
- Jeremy Grey: Team player!
- Jeremy Grey: Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food yet.
- Todd Cleary: I don't eat meat or fish.
- Grandma Mary Cleary: He's a homo.
- John Beckwith: Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.
- Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
- John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.
- Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Oh Jesus.
- John Beckwith: It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
- [to Jeremy]
- John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.
- Claire Cleary: John!
- John Beckwith: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
- Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
- [John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead]
- Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
- John Beckwith: Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
- Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
- Jeremy Grey: [confessing to Father O'Neil] You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!
- Randolph: [In unrated version] You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
- Jeremy Grey: Jam, I...
- Randolph: Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.
- Jeremy Grey: You could not be more wrong about what's happening here...
- Randolph: Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90.
- Jeremy Grey: Jesus Christ!
- Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
- Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
- Janice: Okay...
- Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
- John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
- Jeremy Grey: No problem.
- John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
- Jeremy Grey: Apology accepted.
- John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.
- Jeremy Grey: John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now?
- John Beckwith: You better lock it up.
- Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!
- John Beckwith: You lock it up!
- Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!
- John Beckwith: You lock it up!
- Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
- Bratty Kid: I want a bicycle.
- Jeremy Grey: Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?
- Bratty Kid: I just want a bicycle!
- Jeremy Grey: Why... why are you yelling at me?
- Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!
- Jeremy Grey: All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
- Bratty Kid: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
- Jeremy Grey: [later] Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.
- Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
- Jeremy Grey: Does anyone know what this here is used for?
- Little Boy: Rollin' a fatty?
- Jeremy Grey: No... Not for... Where'd you learn that?
- Jeremy Grey: Have you even shot one of these things before?
- John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
- Jeremy Grey: I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
- John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
- Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
- John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.
- Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.