Quotes

Transamerica

Bree Osbourne: My body may be a work-in-progress, but there is nothing wrong with my soul.

Bree Osbourne: Just because a person doesn't go around blabbing her entire biological history to everyone she meets doesn't make her a liar.

Toby: You're gonna cut your dick off for Jesus?
Bree Osbourne: They don't "cut it off!" It just becomes an innie instead of an outtie.

Calvin: [when Bree coughs after drinking mescal] That'll put hair on your chest.
Bree Osbourne: [clasps hands as if praying] Hope not.
[laughs]

Toby: How come an Indian wears a cowboy hat?
Calvin: Well, I guess it's because it keeps the sun out of my eyes better than a head band and a couple of eagle feathers.

Bree Osbourne: Fasten your seatbelt.
Toby: I don't like wearing them.
Bree Osbourne: Well I don't like the idea of seeing your internal organs splattered all over the dashboard if we get into a wreck, God forbid, so put it on.

Sydney: There's this scruffy looking kid outside. If he's your boyfriend, I'm totally going to slit my wrists.
Elizabeth Osbourne: That dirty-looking boy who came to the door a second ago is your boyfriend? How old is he?
Bree Osbourne: 17.
Elizabeth Osbourne: Oh, my God, Murray, he's underage!
Bree Osbourne: Mom, he's my son.

Elizabeth Osbourne: Look at your life. You've never been able to stick to a decision. I mean, 10 years of college and not a single degree. How do you know you won't change your mind about this, too?
[brief pause]
Bree Osbourne: Because I know.
Elizabeth Osbourne: Don't do this awful thing to yourself, please. I miss my son.
Bree Osbourne: Mom, you never had a son.
Elizabeth Osbourne: [crying] How can you say such a thing?
Bree Osbourne: Now you know how I felt when you hired those private detectives.
Elizabeth Osbourne: [crying] We only tried to do the best for you.
Bree Osbourne: Is that why you tried to have me committed?
Elizabeth Osbourne: [shouting] You tried to kill yourself!
Bree Osbourne: Because you tried to have me committed!
Elizabeth Osbourne: I don't know why you have to be so emotional.
Bree Osbourne: [shouting] I am not emotional!
[normally]
Bree Osbourne: God, my cycle's all out of whack.
Elizabeth Osbourne: You don't have cycles!
Bree Osbourne: Hormones are hormones. Yours and mine just happen to come in purple little pills.

Bree Osbourne: [Getting ready to face her parents] Shit. I mean darn. No, I mean shit.

Bree: I got a phone call last night from a juvenile inmate of the New York prison system. He claimed to be Stanley's son.
Margaret: No third-person.
[brief pause]
Bree: My son.

Taylor's Father: [after Toby and Taylor are caught making out in a diner] You better watch him before he gets some poor innocent girl in trouble!
Bree Osbourne: Yeah, well make sure she doesn't ruin some poor innocent boy's life!

Sydney: This is so bizarre. I can still see Stanley in you, but it's like you put yourself through a strainer and got rid of all the boy pulp.

Toby: And these shoes. Three dollars, a dollar fifty each. You know how much these things are worth in Japan?
Bree Osbourne: Three dollars?
Toby: Like 500 dollars. Japanese people kill for old Nikes.
Bree Osbourne: Then you probably should avoid wearing them in Japan.
Toby: Yeah, I'd probably be, like, disemboweled by a ninja.
Bree Osbourne: You don't have to say "like". "Probably disemboweled by a ninja" is sufficient. And please don't put your feet up on the dashboard.

Toby: Did you know that the Lord of the Rings is gay?
Bree Osbourne: I beg your pardon.
Toby: There's this big, black tower, right? And it points right at this huge burning vagina thing, and it's like the symbol of ultimate evil. And then Sam and Frodo have to go to this cave and deposit their magic ring into this hot, steaming lava pit. Only at the last minute, Frodo can't perform, so Gollum bites of his finger. Gay.

Bree Osbourne: Jesus made me this way so I could suffer and be reborn the way he wanted me!

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