- Morris Buttermaker: Baseball's hard, guys. I mean, it really is. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kind of like dating a German chick, you know?
- Tanner Boyle: My dad says the only people who put ketchup on hot dogs are mental patients, and Texans.
- Mike Engelberg: [Buttermaker falls down drunk] Is he dead?
- Prem Lahiri: No, he is drunk.
- Tanner Boyle: Screw this, man, I'm takin' his wallet.
- Morris Buttermaker: [watching girls play softball] You know, in my life I thought I'd never say, "Look at the ass on that second baseman." But look at the ass on that second baseman.
- [Morris Buttermaker steps out of Liz Whitewood's bedroom in the morning]
- Toby Whitewood: Mr. Buttermaker?
- Morris Buttermaker: What do you say, Whitewood?
- Toby Whitewood: What are doing here?
- Morris Buttermaker: Listen, kid. I... there's something... that you need to do, and that's oil your mitt all the time. So I came by to check and make sure you oil your mitt.
- Morris Buttermaker: Now, my old coach used to say a tie is like kissing your sister, but the way we've been playing, it's more like kissing a really hot stepsister.
- Prem Lahiri: Hey, cut it out, poop-face!
- Tanner Boyle: Poop-face? Are you kidding me? Elmo flips better shit than you!
- Garo Daragebrigadian: [holding two cans of pesticide] Hey Coach, what's carcinogen mean?
- Morris Buttermaker: Liberal propaganda. Don't worry about it. It's just bullshit.
- Liz Whitewood: I have been thinking a lot about you.
- Morris Buttermaker: I have that effect on women.
- Liz Whitewood: Really...
- Morris Buttermaker: Yeah. Well, I haven't paid for sex in years. I think a lot of it has to do with getting older and... you know, being more distinguished.
- Liz Whitewood: I was thinking more along the lines of the dangerous type. What you hear about the bad boy, the sexy scumbag, the serial killer who gets married in prison. I have never felt like that. Until I met you.
- Morris Buttermaker: Well, thanks.
- Woman: Sorry the stuff's so ratty, but this is a six-team league, and I'm afraid your boys are getting the
- [looking at Toby]
- Woman: S-H-l-T end of the stick.
- Morris Buttermaker: [to Toby] Yeah, I can spell "shit", alright. Does she think I'm 11?
- Morris Buttermaker: [after the team tells him that they took a vote on not playing] THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! It's a dictatorship and I'm Hitler! Now get your stuff and get your asses out on the field!
- Morris Buttermaker: [convincing the kids to wear their protective cups] If you get hurt, they can sue my ass so hard, they'll start garnishing my turds.
- Morris Buttermaker: [reading names off roster] Daragebrigadian? Is that Aztec?
- Garo Daragebrigadian: No, Armenian.
- Morris Buttermaker: Well, they both built pyramids.
- Morris Buttermaker: Okay, Engelberg, this is a screwball. It's an old school thing. You gotta stand in there because it looks like it's gonna hit you, but it drops off the table.
- Morris Buttermaker: It's 3 o'clock. I gotta go.
- Lady With Rat Problem: What about the rats?
- Morris Buttermaker: Well, one thing is for damn sure, you got a shit load of rats down there.
- [after having the kids use cans of pesticide that had a warning against carcinogen]
- Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper, what are you doing with that patch on your eye? Playing Pirate? Come to swab the deck, matey?
- Matthew Hooper: Mother says I have cancer of the eye.
- Tanner Boyle: Great. First we have to play ball with a girl? What next? A cripple?
- Matthew Hooper: Hey!
- Tanner Boyle: Oops, I forgot!
- Morris Buttermaker: You with me?
- Matthew Hooper: Like I said, we took a vote.
- Morris Buttermaker: This is not a democracy! It is a dictatorship, and I'm Hitler!
- Joey Bullock: Hey bears, thanks for batting practice.
- Jimmy: Yeah, you guys suck.
- Tanner Boyle: I'll show you batting practice.
- [to his team after losing the first game of the season]
- Morris Buttermaker: You guys look like the last shit I took.
- Morris Buttermaker: [telling the kid's about the protective cups they have to wear] Also, you'll want to write your names on them because that's how you get Crabs. And trust me, you don't want to spend your Sunday afternoon picking through your pumpkin patch with a little comb.
- Mike Engelberg: Gotta protect the family jewels.
- Tanner Boyle: Who are you kidding. When's the last time you even saw them?
- Prem Lahiri: Hey Yankees, you can take your crappy trophy's and shove them right up your asses!
- Tanner Boyle: Nice. See you next year bitches!
- Morris Buttermaker: Come on guys, remember what I told you, there's no "I" in team
- Matthew Hooper: Yea, but there's an "M" and an "E".
- Tanner Boyle: THERE SHOULD BE AN "F" AND A "U"!
- Timothy Lupus: [after Timothy has been jumped by two members of the Yankees] No one's ever stood up for me before.
- Tanner Boyle: Maybe if you weren't such a spaz all the time, I wouldn't have to!
- Morris Buttermaker: [after hitting Ahmad with a pitch] It's all right, kid. You had a helmet on. Imagine if you didn't. You know what I'm saying?
- Amanda Whurlitzer: Man, you must have a big one because I don't know what else my mom saw in you.
- Morris Buttermaker: You're not supposed to be talking about my... my one. You're 12 years old. As far as you know, I'm like G.I. Joe down there, okay?
- Amanda Whurlitzer: I have the Internet, you know. I'm not stupid.
- [after her daughter tells him she's going "out" with a boy]
- Morris Buttermaker: You're 12. There ain't no out when you're 12.
- Amanda Whurlitzer: Calm down, "Boilermaker". It's just a show with some stupid band. I'm not a little girl anymore. I had my period, alright?
- Morris Buttermaker: Do you want me to have a stroke or something?
- Morris Buttermaker: Listen, kid, you don't want to go to Salt Lake, trust me. They don't even like Africans up there.
- Garo Daragebrigadian: Armenian
- Morris Buttermaker: Yeah, right.
- Timothy Lupus: I heard he puts money under your bed at night when you lose a tooth.
- Tanner Boyle: That's the tooth fairy, you homo!