Noel Fielding credited as playing...
Vince Noir • The Moon • Tony Harrison • The Hitcher • Barry • Charlie (in cartoon) • Eric Phillips • Golden Shaman • Hammer • Howling Jimmy Jefferson • Judge Coconut • Montgomery Flange • Mugger • New Zoo-Keeper • Old Gregg • Phil the Reaper • Spider Dijon • The Hitcher Coconut • The Spirit of Jazz
- Vince Noir: Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.
- Vince Noir: Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard?
- Howard Moon: This better be good.
- Vince Noir: You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantulas' eggs?
- Howard Moon: Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.
- [Vince and Howard have been buried up to their necks and left for dead in the desert]
- Vince Noir: Howard? You think it's going to be alright?
- Howard Moon: No. We're gonna die in the most horrific way known to man.
- [sighs in resignation]
- Vince Noir: [smiling] Had some good times, though, didn't we?
- Howard Moon: Yeah...
- Vince Noir: Huh... yeah...
- Howard Moon: [wistfully] Remember the time we had that soup?
- Vince Noir: That was brilliant.
- [they start singing]
- Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Soup! Soup! A tasty... Soup! Soup! A spicy, carrot and coriander...
- Vince Noir: ...chili chowder!
- Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Crouton! Crouton! Crunchy friends in a liquid broth.
- Howard Moon, Vince Noir: I am gazpachio... OH! I am a summer soup... Mm!
- Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Miso! Miso! Fighting in the dojo. Miso! Miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!
- [they stop singing]
- Vince Noir: Classic times.
- Howard Moon: [shaking his head] Crazy days...
- The Spirit of Jazz: Ow! My hat's on fire! What's wrong with you? You blind? Why didn't ya tell me?
- Howard Moon: Sorry, I thought that was your look
- Old Gregg: What do you think of me?
- Howard Moon: I don't rightly know, Sir.
- Old Gregg: Make an assessment.
- Vince Noir: [grabbing book] Look at this one!
- Naboo: Don't touch that!
- Vince Noir: All right! Easy!
- Naboo: This is black magic. This is hardcore. Don't mess with the occult.
- Vince Noir: I thought it was good for you.
- Naboo: What?
- Vince Noir: Well, you know, good for your digestive system.
- Naboo: That's Yakult!
- Vince Noir: Oh, yeah...
- Howard Moon: I want to be the greatest Jazz player in Yorkshire.
- The Spirit of Jazz: Yorkshire? What is Yorkshire?
- Howard Moon: Yorkshire is a place. Yorkshire is a state of mind.
- Lucien: You should never go out on Black Lake when the moon be full.
- Vince Noir: Why?
- Lucien: Because there's somethin' out there... somethin' evil... somethin' that goes by the name of Old Gregg...
- [creepy music]
- Vince Noir: ...who?
- Lucien: Ol' Gregg. Legendary fish. Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say it's more of a seventy-thirty split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.
- Colin: Some say he's a ghost. Can't catch what don't exists. Hook goes right through 'im.
- Lucien: Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait. Only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.
- The Moon: And some say, Old Gregg is like a, a big fish finger, but big! Like um, like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine that fish finger, when you can see it is as big as a garage, oh! It isn't small, it's the big one! Like that.
- [smiles]
- Howard Moon: Vince, you've gone wrong.
- Vince Noir: I am the Chosen One. I have the amulet.
- Howard Moon: Yeah, well maybe it's time I had the amulet for a bit.
- Vince Noir: You don't accessorise. There's a simple truth to you.
- Howard Moon: Give me the amulet, you bitch!
- Vince Noir: C'mon, Bollo, get your monkey anus at the steering wheel.
- Bollo: Bollo no drive.
- Vince Noir: You're joking. Why not?
- Bollo: Bollo lose license.
- Naboo: When did that happen?
- Bollo: Long time ago. It was Chiko. As teenager we would drive about town together. My father warn us. No drive too fast for there are speed camera on A49 but Chiko crazy. He dangerous. He always say "Please, Bollo. Please let us go faster."
- Vince Noir: Yeah, yeah so you chopped his head off right?
- Bollo: No, I chopped his feet off. Stopped him pressing accelerator.
- Howard Moon: Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, Colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?
- Vince Noir: Colon Explorer?
- Howard Moon: You know what I saying.
- Vince Noir: I think that's got the wrong ring to it.
- Vince Noir: [to locksmith] You haven't seen my mate Howard, have you? Kinda tall, scruffy hair, small eyes like a crab?
- The Moon: He's so bright and milky white / Shining down upon the ground / He's the bright, milky white / Shining down upon the ground / Everybody look at the moon / Everybody seein' the moon / The moon is bright / He's milky white / Everybody look at the moon / Uh!
- [smiles]
- The Moon: Heey! I did a song! Jupiter, I did a song! You ain't got one! Heey!
- [laughs]
- The Moon: Oh, I feel sick.
- Vince Noir: I hate jazz!
- Howard Moon: You hate jazz? You fear jazz! You fear the lack of rules. Skiddly biddly dee wop ba-wow...
- Vince Noir: Stop it.
- Howard Moon: Bop. Dah wop, skiddly doo wah...
- Vince Noir: STOP THE EVIL!
- Howard Moon: I'm an explorer.
- Vince Noir: I thought you were a writer?
- Howard Moon: I do many things. I span the genres - they call me the genre spanner.
- Vince Noir: Yeah, they call you the spanner...
- The Spirit of Jazz: Every time you pick up an instrument, I'll be there inside ya, wearing ya like a glove!
- Vince Noir: Calm a llama down.
- Howard Moon: Calm a llama down.
- Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Deep down in the ocean blue like a barnacle/ Sitting in a tight place/ Laughing like a monkey arm/ Pulling like a China boy/ Carraway carraway carraway noise/ Boing, chika masala/ Boing, chika masala/ oh tooth tooth/
- [suck in air]
- Vince Noir, Howard Moon: !