- Sister Mary Bernard: Money can't buy happiness.
- Gabrielle: Sure it can! That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting.
- Mary Alice: Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.
- Tom: I love you because you did the right thing, and I admire your bravery.
- Lynette: And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so."
- [They kiss, then Tom says something in sign language]
- Lynette: You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?
- Tom: You'll never prove it.
- Gabrielle: The only person more self-centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self-centred I am.
- George Williams: Well... I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp.
- Rex: Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex.
- Edie: [to Bree] You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican.
- Bree: I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.
- Mary Alice: An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory, but our sight? Ah, our sight expands and we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look.
- Susan: What are you smiling about?
- Mike Delfino: I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered.
- Rex: Look at you... going out?
- Bree: Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
- Rex: A date... what kind of date?
- Bree: Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.
- [pause]
- Bree: It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.
- Nora Huntington: You think I'm crazy.
- Lynette Scavo: No! You're... colorful. Colorful in a way that might respond to medication.
- John Rowland: What other option do you have? Except return the shoes and get your money back.
- Gabrielle: Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.
- Lynette: Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled.
- Bree: I've got millions of errands to run so...
- Lynette: Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours - there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on.
- Bree: If it were any other day?
- Lynette: Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.
- Paul Young: [asking about selling the house] Will I have to tell them about my wife's death in the house?
- Edie: [applying make-up] Yeah. Legal crap. People get really freaked out by suicides. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
- Paul Young: Is there any other option?
- Edie: [applying lipstick] Well, you could say that she shot herself in the house, then crawled out back to die...
- Gabrielle: Damn it, John! What's our new rule?
- John Rowland: [sadly] Stop pretending we have a future.
- Bree: [sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given] George! This is so much better than an orchid!
- Danielle Van De Kamp: Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
- Bree Van De Kamp: Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your *navy bean* suggestion with a response.
- Lynette: Do you know what psychological warfare is?
- [shakes his head]
- Porter Scavo: No?
- Lynette: Too bad for you.
- John Rowland: This is great. Got tons of homework tonight. It's always easier to concentrate after sex.
- Gabrielle: Well, I'm glad I could help. Education's very important.
- Bree: [to Rex] When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!
- Gabrielle: Please calm down!
- John Rowland: This doesn't make any sense. Okay you love me. I know you love me.
- Gabrielle: Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!
- John Rowland: We could get our own place.
- Gabrielle: How? You're barely making minimum wage!
- John Rowland: Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy.
- Gabrielle: I've tried poor, but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!
- Bree: The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us.
- Katherine Mayfair: Wait. I need to talk to you first.
- Bree: [Chuckles] I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?
- Katherine Mayfair: No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously... *I* misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?
- Bree: Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's... Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who *I* am. And that's also who you are.
- Katherine Mayfair: So?
- Bree: So... I don't really know HOW to be friends with you.
- Katherine Mayfair: That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die.
- [Tears welling in her eyes]
- Katherine Mayfair: We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends.
- John Rowland: [John and Gabrielle are lying in her bed together after sex] You know what I don't get?
- Gabrielle: What?
- John Rowland: Why you married Mr. Solis.
- Gabrielle: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.
- John Rowland: Well, did he?
- Gabrielle: Yes.
- John Rowland: Then... why aren't you happy?
- Gabrielle: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.
- John Rowland: So. Do you love him?
- Gabrielle: [sighs] I do.
- John Rowland: Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
- Gabrielle: Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.
- Edie: Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people.
- Mike Delfino: You're telling me this on a day when I'm put in a man's prison?
- Edie: Well I said the timing was bad.
- Gabrielle: I want a sexy little convertible! And I want to buy one, right now!
- Maserati Saleswoman: I'll go start the paperwork.
- Gabrielle: Well, not this one. I... vomited in this one.
- Bree: Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.
- David: You're not willing to get a divorce, but you're willing to have an affair?
- Gabrielle: I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic.