- Ma Braden: I'll walk you up and down the streets before the whole town in disgrace!
- Young Patrick Braden: Promise?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: The fantastic tale of Eily Bergen.
- Bertie: I can't wait to hear the ending.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: But you haven't even heard the start.
- Bertie: I can't wait to hear that either.
- Hooker (Janet Moran): Oi. You doing business, do it somewhere else, love. This pavement's got my name on it.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: And what, pray, is your name? Concrete?
- Hooker (Janet Moran): My name is scratch your eyes out, and bite your bleed'n nose off. Which is what I'll do if you don't get off my patch.
- Mr. Silky String: She giving you trouble, sir?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, no trouble at all. We were just exchanging names.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Not many people can take the tale of Patrick Braden, aka St. Kitten, who strutted the catwalks, face lit by a halo of flashbulbs as "oh!" she shrieks, "I told you, from my best side darlings."
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Dear Sir Unseen, I know my music and I am willing to bet you ten times whatever pathetic price you paid to get in this place that the dog's tail is 'waggely.' Now I want to hear you bark.
- [Last lines]
- Robin 1: She doesn't look anything like Mitzi Gaynor!
- Robin 2: What do you know about Mitzi Gaynor?
- Robin 1: Nothing. But as Oscar Wilde said, "I love to talk about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about."
- Mr. Silky String: And just who is this "Phantom Lady"?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Well, it's my mother really, I call her that... to pretend it's a story... that's happening to someone else, you see.
- Mr. Silky String: Why do you pretend that?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Beacause otherwise I might cry and never stop.
- Mr. Silky String: If you cried, I'd make you stop.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, You would?... Oh how kind kind sir.
- Mr. Silky String: Yes. I'd definitely make you stop.
- Billy Hatchett: [finding that Patrick has taken all of the guns] Fuck. Don't you know what this means? Do-do you know what these guys are like, Paddy?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Don't let this come between us, Billy.
- Billy Hatchett: Shut up! Jesus, what the fuck am I gonna do? Fucking Jesus!
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Tell them I was spring cleaning, darling.
- Billy Hatchett: Where are they, Paddy? Tell me, where are they?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Now, what is this you mean, my darling?
- Billy Hatchett: The guns, you little fucking whore! Where are they? The guns! It's all too fucking serious! Don't go fucking me around.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, all of a sudden, everybody's getting serious! Serious, serious, serious.
- Billy Hatchett: I'm not fucking joking, Patrick! Where are they?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: I told you to call me Kitten.
- Billy Hatchett: Don't fucking know me. You don't know where I've gone. And if they come, if they fucking come, you tell them nothing. I mean nothing.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Whatever you say, darling.
- Billy Hatchett: You're way out of your league, Patrick. You don't know what you're dealing with. Don't fucking know.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, I do. I know, all right. I knew you were only joking about the roses... and the sweets, too, probably. But it was nice while it lasted.
- [Hatchett drives off]
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: And the other thing about the Phantom Lady was, Bert, she realized, in the city that never sleeps...
- Bertie: What did she realize, Kitten?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: That all the songs she'd listened to, all the love songs, that they were only songs.
- Bertie: What's wrong with that?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Nothing, if you don't believe in them. But she did, you see. She believed in enchanted evenings, and she believed that a small cloud passed overhead and cried down on a flower bed, and she even believed there was breakfast to be had...
- Bertie: Where?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: On Pluto. The mysterious, icy wastes of Pluto.
- Bertie: You know, Kitten, I made a decision a long time ago.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: What decision was that?
- Bertie: That I wasn't destined for sentimental side of things. But if I ever did let myself fall for someone, I think it would be a girl like you.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Bertie, please, I have to stop you. There's something you should know.
- Bertie: Or maybe what I should say is, it would be a girl not a million miles away from where I'm standing. What's the matter, Princess?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Well, you see, the thing is, Bertie, I'm not a girl.
- Bertie: Oh, I knew that, Princess.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: You did?
- Bertie: Of course. What I said was, it would be a girl like you.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [when threatened by two IRA men] Oh, come on then, just do it. I've nothing left to live for in this stupid serious world.
- Horse Killane: Ah, fuck him. He's not worth a bullet, the mental nancy boy.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Why can't you be bothered killing nancy boys? You kill everyone else.
- Jackie Timlin: I'm fucking warning you. Do you know what you're doing here? Are you on dope?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: I wish that I was, Mr. Killing Man. Why, do you have any?
- Jackie Timlin: You're way out of your league, sunshine.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Not that again - "Out of your league., out of your league. Oh, you're in over your head, in over your head." Oh, for heaven's sake. Surely you've one bullet to spare between yous?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: I knew you were only joking about the roses. And the sweeties. But it was nice while it lasted.
- 1st Biker: When I ride my hog, you think I'm riding the road? No way, man. I'm travelling from the past into the future with a druid at my back.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Druid man or druid woman?
- 1st Biker: That doesn't matter. What matters is the journey. You know where it goes, baby?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Where?
- 1st Biker: We'll visit the stars and journey to Mars, finding our breakfast... on Pluto.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [voice over] But did true love save Kitten from the hands of the beast, in that worst of all fairy tales? No. What saved Kitten was her precious perfume spray, bought for £2.99 in Roches Stores on Henry Street before she left her beloved Emerald Isle.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: John Joe! John Joe, woohoo! John Joe! Not a Womble anymore?
- John Joe Kenny: Don't talk to me about fuckin' Wombles. I'm in the Tower of London now. 30 smackers in the paw, boy. No questions asked. They're looking for a Mary Queen of Scots. Would you be up for it?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: They'd chop my head off surely.
- Charlie: You said it'd be a disaster, like you.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Worse, probably.
- Charlie: But I love you, you fucking disaster.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: But Micky is devious and no matter how much you tell him, he simply won't stay down!
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Patricia Kitten, aka Deep Throat, had penetrated the deepest recesses of the Republican sphincter... with her secret anti-terrorist spray, named after Gabrielle Coco Chanel's lucky number.
- Eily Bergin: Oh, I'm all wet, Father. What are you doing down there, Father? Are you playig squidgy with the Fairy Liquid?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [voice over, while writing the essay about his conception as he imagines it in class] But she was soon to realise it wasn't Fairy Liquid he'd been playing with down there.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [aloud, writing the words below his finished essay] The End.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [voice over] No, it wasn't Fairy Liquid at all.
- Irwin: I see four green fields. Brits in one of them. But not for fucking long.
- 1st Biker: No politics, man. Border Knights don't allow them. Jams the astral highway.
- Irwin: So why do you cal yourself the Border Knights?
- 1st Biker: Because the only border that matters is the one between what's in front and what you've left behind.
- Charlie: Saint Kitten?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Mm-hm. He or she was an acolyte of St. Patrick. Wore a dress. As did St. Patrick, actually - a hairy dress. Quite ruined her complexion.
- Charlie: What would it turn out like, Paddy? You know what I mean, don't you?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: It'd be an absolute disaster. Like me.
- Nurse: Now... I want you to read this leaflet. It outlines all aspects of the termiation procedure.
- Charlie: Termination? You mean this is an abortion clinic?
- Nurse: Yes, of course it is.
- Charlie: Oh. I thought it was a fertility clinic.
- [gets up and leaves]
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [to the nurse] I think she's changed her mind. Thank you.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: I just want to belong. I'd be your best prisoner. I'd cook and I'd clean. And I'd sweep and I'd iron all the uniforms.
- Father Liam: You have your mother's eyes. Do you know that, Patrick. The colour of the ocean beyond Rosses Point.
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: You took her there?
- Father Liam: Many times. Things... could have been so different...
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Ssh. Don't say anything. Because you know the strangest thing? I went looking for her. But I found you.
- [first lines]
- Building Site Worker: You can throw a fast one. How about it, kitten? What's the chance of a bit tonight?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, why, yes, of course, boys. I'll leave the front door open, and you can all troop in and give me a jab... Not up to it, then?
- Eily Bergin: Oops. My skirt and housecoat are riding up. Better abort this task at once or we'll have an exploding clergyman filling the air with pent-up sexual energy. Oh, no! "Priest grows wings in latest miracle."
- Mrs. Coyle: [in needlework class] And they're for your sister, Patrick?
- Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Mm-hm. She really needs a bit of glamour in her life, Mrs. Coyle. But then again... don't we all?
- Mrs. Clarke: Oh, Jesus Christ and his Holy Mother.
- Solidarity Lady: Why doesn't the Bishop do something?
- Ma Braden: Sure, the bishop we have isn't worth a damn.