- God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?
- God: How do we change the world?
- Evan Baxter: One single act of random kindness at a time.
- God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on ground with a stick] One Act, of, Random, Kindness.
- Congressmen: [reciting the Pledge] I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic, for which it stands-
- [God suddenly appears right next to Evan]
- God: One Nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
- [looks at Evan]
- God: How long you wanna do this son? I've got all eternity.
- [Evan faints on spot]
- Joan Baxter: Honey, maybe God didn't mean a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or emotion, or awareness.
- Evan Baxter: If that's true, I am going to be *so pissed*.
- Rita Daniels: [upon seeing Evan's beard] Evan, what happened? Did you fall down a mine shaft?
- Evan Baxter: No.
- Rita Daniels: Did you just come out of a coma?
- Evan Baxter: No!
- Rita Daniels: Were you attacked by a werewolf?
- Evan Baxter: No, I wasn't.
- Rita Daniels: Well, if you were going for that rugged look, I think you overshot it. You look like a bum in a suit! You need Supercuts *and* a shave.
- Evan Baxter: Ah, da-da, da, da! Right! Yeah! But I can't! It doesn't work!
- Rita Daniels: What do you mean, it doesn't work?
- Evan Baxter: It doesn't *work*!
- [Rita voices her disbelieve in Evan's ark]
- Rita Daniels: Look, I go to church every Sunday.
- [Evan doesn't believe her]
- Rita Daniels: OK, every *other* Sunday.
- [Evan still doesn't believe her]
- Rita Daniels: I've been to church! And that does not sound like God to me!
- [as animals appear around Evan, two sheep appear in the backseat of his car]
- Evan Baxter: SHEEEEEEEEEEEP!
- Evan Baxter: Get on the Ark! Everyone on the Ark, now!
- Marty Stringer: I think we should get on the Ark.
- Eugene Tannenbaum: I agree. I think we should get on the Ark also.
- Rita Daniels: I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm going home.
- [the dam breaks and a wall of water comes at them]
- Rita Daniels: Ladies first! Move!
- [from trailer]
- Joan Baxter: You want to build a boat?
- Evan Baxter: It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I don't know.
- [looking at his feet, under his breath]
- Evan Baxter: Be great in case it floods or something...
- Rita Daniels: [seeing Evan successfully calling all the animals to the ark] I can't even get my cat to use the litter box.
- Ark Reporter: Evan Baxter! You have gone from newsman to congressman to caveman. What makes you think God chose you?
- Evan Baxter: He chose all of us.
- Rita Daniels: [Evan's clothes have changed into his Noah outfit] Did you just make a wardrobe change? This isn't the Oscars. You're not Whoopi.
- [Evan is driving to work]
- Evan Baxter: I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Sucessful, powerful, handsome-
- [Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere]
- Evan Baxter: AAGGGHHHHH! AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
- God: [smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.
- Evan Baxter: How did you get in here? D'ah! I'm calling the cops.
- God: No wait. Look-look-look. There's one right there.
- [Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]
- Evan Baxter: Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car!
- [the officer turns his head, revealing that he is God]
- Officer "God": Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.
- [Evan turns around. God has vanished from there. He looks and sees God crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]
- [from trailer]
- Evan Baxter: [on the ark, addressing a big crowd] People! The flood is imminent!
- [everyone looks around, bewildered, and up at the sunny sky. Evan addresses the heavens]
- Evan Baxter: Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?
- Rita Daniels: [looking up at the Ark which is almost finished] Why couldn't the man just buy a Corvette?
- Evan Baxter: Whenever I shave, the beard grows right back out!
- Marty Stringer: That's what happens when you shave! But then you shave *again*!
- Eugene Tannenbaum: [to Evan] I love you!... I mean, I think we should hang out socially... I have a new ping pong table.
- Evan Baxter: [he enters his new office] This is nice.
- Rita Daniels: It's too nice. There's something crooked going on around here.
- [sarcastically sniffs]
- Rita Daniels: Do you smell anthrax?
- [Rita sees over the security camera that Evan has shown up to the House conference meeting with his beard braided]
- Rita Daniels: Evan, what are you doing? You have a pony tail on your face! What are you gonna do next? Cornrow your eyebrows?
- [Joan has taken the kids to a diner, and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is showing on the TV]
- Jon Stewart: He's filling the Ark with two of every kind of animal. Still to be collected: two giraffes, two elephants... and one more jackass.
- [first lines]
- Susan Ortega: And that's the news. But before we sign off, we'd like to thank our very own Evan Baxter, who has just been elected Buffalo's representative to Congress. And now we have a surprise for Evan.
- Evan Baxter: No, you don't.
- Susan Ortega: We do.
- Evan Baxter: Oh, no. I really didn't expect this.
- Susan Ortega: Here's a look back at his run for office.
- Evan Baxter: Chicken! September 22nd would be a good day for chicken! Joan, could we have chicken September 22nd midday?
- Evan Baxter: Eugene said that Long cut corners on building codes.
- Joan Baxter: What're you talking about?
- Evan Baxter: The lake! Long Lake! It's named after him. It's the lake!
- [sees the dam starting to burst]
- Evan Baxter: Everybody get on the ark now!
- Congressman Chuck Long: [stunned] How?
- Evan Baxter: The dam, Congressman. Your reservoir ruptured. Prestige Crest, it's all gone.
- Congressman Chuck Long: No, they said that couldn't happen, they... you did this, you set me up! You crazy son of a b...
- [Long gets spit up on by an alpaca]
- Rita Daniels: [to the alpaca] If that comes out your front, I don't even want to know what's coming out the back.
- [behind Evan, wolves begin growling lowly; Long steps back in fear]
- Evan Baxter: Don't look down, Congressman, but the wolves are here, although I wouldn't worry so much about these wolves as those.
- [Long turns around to face a bunch of angry Congressmen who've heard of his deception]
- Eve Adams: Congratulations!
- Evan Baxter: What are you talking about?
- Eve Adams: The lots! You bought the lots next door! Hello! And pulling the down payment out of your home equity? Very gutsy move.
- Evan Baxter: I didn't do that, did I?
- Eve Adams: You sure did.
- Evan Baxter: I'm... building something.
- Marty Stringer: You're building something?
- Rita Daniels: Well, *I* hope it's a barber shop!