Quotes

Max & Paddy's Road to Nowhere

Max: I'm going to get in touch with Tina. She knows we're innocent, she knows the truth.
Paddy: Well you'd better do it quick. Its all right for you, you know. A good looking lad like me is a valuable commodity in here you know.
Max: Its all right I've seen a pay phone and... What do mean its all right for me?
Paddy: When Paddy steps in those showers, them lads will think its Christmas morning. They'll ride me like a Blackpool Donkey.
Max: Well what we've got to do, is make them lot think that me and you are a couple of hard nuts. Let them think we're a couple of big time gangsters. Come on chest out, chin up! We're doing a bit of bird as per! Me and you, Tango and Cash, Magnet and Steel! What do you say?
Paddy: I'm going to get bummed.

Max: [after being arrested for hijacking a school bus] This is clearly a case of mistaken identity.
Paddy: You what? Forty kids on a coach, what did we think it were, a stag party?

Paddy: Chuck us some water flower.
Max: [hands Paddy a bottle of water] It wouldn't hurt you to show some manners after all they are free.
Paddy: [studying Bottle] Hang on what's this? Bottled in the mountains of Afganistan? I bet Osama's had a bath in this. Why do you keep buying all this cheap rubbish like 4p Beans and Al Queda water?

Paddy: [approaches dancers] Alright love? Here's 10p go and phone yer mum, tell her you won't be home tonight.
Dancing Girl 1: I've got a mobile, dickhead!
Paddy: [Paddy moves onto next group] Ladies think of a number between one and ten.
Dancing Girl 2: Eight.
Paddy: You lose, now take your tops off!
Dancing Girl 2: Fuck off!
Paddy: [approaches another girl] Hey there, can you catch love?
Dancing Girl 3: Why?
Paddy: Because there is a couple of balls coming your way.
[Girl holds up a mechanical claw hand]
Paddy: Dave is that you mate?
[Paddy quickly moves off]
Paddy: I don't understand it, those lines are tried and tested.
Max: You mean they're tired and tested more like it. Woman in this day an age don't want that. Woman today like a bit of romance, like a bit of sensitivity.
Paddy: Where'd you learn that?
Max: Watching Trisha.

Max: [remembering an old girlfriend] I almost threw her out for being Under age...
Paddy: Under age? How old was she you dirty dog?
Max: No, she was old enough it was just that she was, she was a kind of midget.
Paddy: Ain't that a Queen song?
Max: No you clown...
Paddy: You mean she was a dwarf?
Max: No she wasn't a dwarf, she was a midget.
Paddy: There's no difference...
Max: There is actually! Mr Politically Incorrect. Dwarfs for your information are in the circus and do cartwheels. Midgets are like normal people just shrunk down.
Paddy: Well you live and learn.

Max: [after being caught by a speed camera] Can ya not blame it on the music?
Paddy: No, I don't think that'll hold up in court, Max, reasons for speeding - Status Quo.

Wolf-ster: You're not Patrick O'Shea?
Max: You know him?
Wolf-ster: Everyone knew Spazzy Paddy. Where's your calipers and your brace?
Paddy: Long time ago that.
Wolf-ster: He was worth more for scrap. You don't remember me do you? My sister you to babysit him. He were a right dirty little sod.
Max: Oh I?
Wolf-ster: We had to rush him to hospital one night, he'd only stuck Okay Wan Benobi up his arsehole, he was always at it...
Max: Obi Wan Kenobi...
Wolf-ster: Bootshakka...
Max: Chewbacca...
Wolf-ster: C3-D2...
Max: PO...
Wolf-ster: Star Trek mad he was.
Max: Star wars Wolf-Ster, Star Wars.
Paddy: Like I say long time ago that Wolfie.

Paddy: [in a Children's TV Presenter tone of voice] Now then kiddies, we're going to play a nice game called "Who's Your Dad And What's His Name".
[a Child throws a ball hitting Paddy in head]
Paddy: Do that again and I'll rip bleeding arms out!

Max: [trying to talk to school kids] Yo this is Maxster MC, listen up Posse. Can I get a Re-E-Wind.
[to Paddy]
Max: I'm getting down with kids.

Max: [over Bus PA System] Do we have a Daniel Wolfsten on board a.k.a. The Wolfster?
Child on Bus: No he's not here!
Max: You what?
Child on Bus: He catches the other bus.
Paddy: You what?
Max: There's another bus! Oh no you Mo-Fo that's Proper-Whack that.

Max: [trying to talk to school kids] Yo this is the Maxster MC, listen up Posse. Can I get a Re-E-Wind.
[to Paddy]
Max: I'm getting down with kids.

Max: You have no respect for women do you?
Paddy: No. Do you know why? Because they only want you for one thing, Everything!

Paddy: [Max and Paddy are in prison] Look, you've got get me out of here. I can't take anymore more of that Millennium Prayer.
Max: I've already made a start, check the door. I did this last night when everyone was asleep.
[Lifts a poster on wall to reveal three scratch marks]
Paddy: What is that?
Max: Escape Tunnel.
[Paddy starts crying]
Max: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa come on man, get a grip you're coming apart.
Paddy: Where you tunneling to? The next cell?
Max: [Max exits cell and sees the mistake he's made] Oh shit!

Paddy: [after hitting a fellow inmate in the face with a dinner tray] Play with feathers, you get your arse tickled!

Bouncer: Empty your pockets please, sir
[Max empties pockets onto desk]
Bouncer: Afro comb!
Max: [turns to Paddy] You never know! You never know!
Bouncer: Pound-coin holder! Empty! One key attached to one keyring
[reads from keyring]
Bouncer: "I've stroked a beaver at Drayton Manor"! Have you now?
[Max nods]
Bouncer: sign here please!
Max: [signs document] What do i do now?
Bouncer: just through there please, sir
[Max leaves making Paddy first in line]
Bouncer: Name?
Paddy: Patrick O'Shay!
Bouncer: Empty your pockets please, sir
[Paddy empties pockets onto desk]
Bouncer: one pornographic magazine, the Finger Club! One pack of condoms, ripped for the lady's pleasure. Flavour: Biscuit.

Brian Potter: Here, I've got a cake here for you, Holy Mary made this.
Max: A Cake!
Brian Potter: Yeah, you know, a cake?
Max: I know what a cake is, what do we want a cake for?
Paddy: No, he means a cake. I know what you mean, you mean a "Cake", don't you?
Brian Potter: Yeah, that's right a "Cake".
[Brian winks]
Max: Oh a "Cake", you mean a "Cake". What's in this "Cake"?
[Max getting excited]
Brian Potter: Sponge and a bit of Jam. What do you want son? It's real life, this, not the frigging Shawshank Redemption. If you hadn't stolen a bus filled with kiddies, you wouldn't be in this mess!

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