Zombie Planet

I live and work in Lexington, Kentucky, the town where Zombie Planet was filmed. I'd heard about the film forever ago, from various people who claimed to be a critical part of the production. Then, for several years, I heard absolutely nothing. Imagine my surprise when I found it sitting all by itself at the local video store, just itching for a rental. So, being the cinephile that I am, I decided to give these local filmmakers a shot.

Bad idea.

Zombie Planet is overlong, boring, poorly acted, miserably shot -- and that's just the good stuff. I tried my hardest to enjoy it, which included removing my brain and setting it on the table so that it wouldn't get in the way of the horrible storyline. Alas, nothing worked. Zombie Planet is so bad it's pathetic. And the very idea that they're planning a sequel leads me to believe that the director and his henchmen have listened to none of the criticisms I'm sure they've heard. Move on, you guys. Please. In fact, refrain from film-making altogether. Or attend a few classes on pacing, storytelling, and, well, basic direction.

Otherwise, for the love of God, hang it up.

Once a month, I invite a few friends over for a "Retarded Movie Night". We look forward to movies that are either so bad they're funny or movies that know they don't have a plot and just show a lot of chests. Last night, we were unfortunate enough to have Zombie Planet as one of our movies. The cinematography is on par with what we're used to, but the acting was a different story. The lead role is played by a Johnny Depp/Rob Zombie wanna-be who couldn't get a role in a high school play, let alone a LOW-BUDGET horror film. Our indecisive hero, who couldn't tell whether or not he wanted to be a bad-ass this scene or a whimpering coward was one of the reasons why this was the first movie of 30 that I have ever had to stop early during a Retarded Movie Night. It had the possibility for greatness with a GREAT twist on the standard zombie infection, but they took it an entirely different direction based on Johnny Zombie. I personally would not recommend this to any of my friends. However, it's unfortunate that I already invited a few over last night to suffer through 80% of this movie with me.

I work at the video store that rents this video in Lexington and I must say...it should have never been made. I even know some of the people who worked on it who regret doing so. Bad effects, horrid acting, bad script especially. I swear the dialog wouldn't have passed for the original PSX Resident Evil; it's that bad. If you want to know how not to make a movie, watch this film to learn a thing or two. If not, don't waste your time. And even the director know it sucks because he keeps coming in to try to get us to upsale the movie. No sir. I've watched two-thirds of the horror section and this rates even lower than Plan 9 from Outer Space. Even Ed Eood would have said, "Nope. That's too stupid even for me."

Now, I'm a big fan of Zombie movies. I admit Zombie movies usually aren't all that good, but I like them anyways. Despite the crappy acting and worthless dialogues that occur in almost all Zombie movies, this one is by far the worst. See, there are a few ground rules with zombie-movies. 1. Zombies are suicidal. Tactics is seldom used, and NEVER do they act like a boxer. They don't dodge a blow to the head, they take it with a ugly smile. They don't try and hit you in the face, they grab a hold of your arm and bite it! 2. Zombies can't speak. Only in Evil Dead. Otherwise, they DO NOT SPEAK. 3. You don't fight zombies with melee-ranged weapons. You loose in a melee fight against zombies. Firearms are used. In this movie however, melee is the way to go, which is wrong. Very wrong.

It had NO redeeming qualities.

If you wish to see a Zombie movie, see one with an average score higher than 3 on IMDb.com

I'm sure glad I didn't allow the naysayers from Lexington to discourage me from seeing this movie. The people from Lexington should be proud this movie was shot in their back yard. One of the things I look for in a saga such as this are heroes and villains. ZOMBIE PLANET, like the BATMAN series, has cool heroes and even cooler villains. My favorite hero: Dr. Warren played by Christopher Rose. He's the kind of hero we can all relate to. Favorite villain: Stiletto. Jon Shelton's over the top performance reminds one of a cross between Caesar Romero's Joker and Jack Nicholson's. Of course, the main villain and hero are both dynamic characters. Frank Farhat as our hero Kane has the perfect nemesis in Adam played by Matt Perry. I can't wait to see them clash in the sequel. Of course, hottest villain of all is Mari Stamper as Jamaica. I can't wait to see what she does to Kane in the sequel! Karl Lindstrom as Cowboy Frank plays the kind of character who could go either way. And who can blame him when the bad guys have it so much better than the good guys do. Rebecca Minton also turns in a sympathetic performance as Frank's suffering wife, Julie. Someone criticized her performance, but I say it's believable because Julie's emotional growth would have been stunted by such tragic events at such a young age. Each character is well portrayed by the actors. There are many subplots that are jammed into the film's two hours and I think this may overwhelm some viewers. But if you stick with it, ZOMBIE PLANET is a well acted and imaginatively produced film filled with interesting characters.Great makeup work, too! Since this is an independent film, I'm willing to overlook a few technical flaws that often go with the territory. Viva la Zombie Planet!