- Maximilian II: They'll remember you as a murderer.
- Thorne: They'll remember me as a surgeon! A surgeon who cut a cancer from the body of the State!
- First Lady: [has been told of another priest lighting himself on fire in protest] Is it really necessary to bother the president with the antics of these malcontents? We don't need to know every time there's a barbecue.
- Joe: For all his brutality, Papa Max was clever enough to make us believe that his tyranny was for our benefit. Junior, on the other hand, had been born day-old stupid and had been losing ground ever since.
- Joe: [Narrating] When I think of the lazy afternoons of my childhood, of the bruised skies, the blank faces of the women with dirty bare feet by the side of the road, I wonder if I should have stood by and done nothing. Which, in some ways, is precisely what I did. I know that I've done questionable things, but my role in the assassination of the president is one that, even now, I cannot say that I entirely regret.
- Doc: Joe, have you ever heard the story of the five blind men who came upon an elephant? One felt the legs and said "Ah! Elephants are very much like a tree." The next felt the trunk and said "An elephant is much like a snake." The third man felt the tusks and said "An elephant is very much like a spear." You know where I'm trying to get at?
- Joe: When Junior fell, it was like the first spring after a thousand winters. But I didn't know then the price that I would pay for the revolution. That we would all pay! The wife that I would lose, and the daughter, Daisy, that I would never really know.
- Maximilian II: [attempts to insult Thorne] We fucked your wife before we killed her you know. She loved it. She squealed like the pig that she was. She dug her nails into my back, screaming for more.
- Joe: How far does a man have to go to be thought so dangerous that he needs to be locked away, physically separated from the rest of the world, behind stone walls and iron bars? Clearly, it is a last resort.
- First Sergeant: If I catch you bull shitting with the prisoners again, especially that prisoner, I'll beat you like a red-headed stepchild, and skull-fuck your corpse.
- Thorne: You're a soldier, Joe. I assume you believe there are things worth dying for? Killing for?
- Joe: Yes sir, I do. But we don't kill innocent bystanders.
- Thorne: Nobody standing by is innocent. I didn't come to violence casually, you know. But you get to a point when you have no choice but to take up arms against your oppressors. It'd be very hard for a thinking man to deny that. Well, actually, I should ask you: Joe, is it hard?
- Joe: Sir, are you calling me stupid or are you calling me a coward?
- Thorne: [is holding a trial of Maximilian, and is interrogating the First Lady, who has been gagged] Madame, can you think of any positive contributions your husband has made to this country during his time as president?
- [First Lady attempts to speak past the gag]
- Thorne: Madame can you think of any reason why your husband should not be put to death for what he has done to this country?
- [the First Lady struggles, but cannot speak]
- Thorne: Let the record show that the witness was silent. No further questions.
- Thorne: Every day I sit here, the revolution creeps closer and closer to victory. Sacrifice of one man's life is a small price to pay.
- Joe: And you think that one man can make that much difference?
- Thorne: The name "Rudolf Hess" ring a bell?
- Joe: German figure skater?
- Thorne: He was Adolf Hitler's right-hand man in until the Second World War...
- Joe: Yes, I know he was.
- Thorne: ...When the war was over, he was put on trial at Nuremburg with the other Nazi bigwigs. Sentenced to life. And in the city of Berlin, there was a penitentiary. Spandau Prison. That's where they put them. Forty years, he was there. Twenty one of them on his own. Twenty one years, all alone in Spandau Prison. So powerful was the spectre of this one man, that after he was dead, they tore down Spandau. They wanted no trace of him left behind!
- Joe: Nice role model. A Nazi...
- Thorne: I'm just saying 'one man'! One man in his cell, one man in power, one man in the right place at the right time...
- Joe: [Watches Thorne writing a paragraph on his prison wall] Long slogan today.
- Thorne: I had a big meal last night.
- Joe: Who said it?
- Thorne: Carl Morales. "Second Critique of Oligarchy." You should read it.
- Joe: I'm waiting for the movie. So, he was a friend of yours, the famous Professor Morales?
- Thorne: My mentor
- Joe: I heard he fled. Self-imposed exile, they say.
- Thorne: Well, some say he was dumped into the sea from a helicopter in one of those mid-air interrogations.
- Joe: And what do you think?
- Thorne: Doesn't matter.
- Joe: Doesn't matter what you think, or doesn't matter what happened to him?
- Thorne: Doesn't matter!
- First Sergeant: You going to wear a uniform today Prisoner 7?
- Thorne: You ask me that every morning.
- First Sergeant: I ask you that every morning, and every morning you say no. So, you going to wear a uniform?
- Thorne: No.
- First Sergeant: [Looks at the walls, smeared with Thorne's messages] You really are a pig. You know that, Thorne? A filthy fucking pig. Give me the regular criminal any day. I've been thinking about it. When you going to give this silly shit up? Hm?
- Joe: I thought you said you'd never live in this gingerbread monstrosity.
- Thorne: Tell me about it. But I'm working all the time, it was easier for me to live here.
- Joe: Running a revolution keeps you busy huh?
- Thorne: You know it's nearly a full-time job. Give me just a minute will you?
- [Goes onto the computer at the desk]
- Thorne: You know I don't know how anybody wrote anything before there were computers. Can you imagine the struggle that Dickens or Tolstoy must have gone through writing those nine hundred-page novels with a pen?
- Joe: As far as I recall, you once wrote with even less. Doesn't seem like something the revolution would embrace, what with the uh, vegetarian laws and the book burnings... but you didn't bring me here to talk to me about word processors.
- Thorne: No, I didn't bring you here to talk to you about word processors. You refused to sign the loyalty oath.
- Joe: It's an insult.
- Thorne: It's a piece of paper!
- Joe: Exactly.
- [first lines]
- Anchorwoman: So many fond memories of Maximilian the First on the tenth anniversary of our glorious leader's death.
- Anchorman: Many of course doubted that his son and heir, Maximilian II, could live up to the example of his charismatic father. But the man affectionately called Junior has valiantly continued against the pesky rebellion, led by the playwright turned terrorist, John Thorne.
- Anchorwoman: Once derided as the playboy Prince more interested in the movie business, the President-for-life announced today that he would not rest until he has rid the country of these criminals whom he called, quote, "Really bad guys". In a gesture of goodwill to the commemorate his father's memory, the President today also commuted the sentences of several men condemned to the gallows today, sending them to the guillotine instead.
- Anchorman: Papa would have been proud.
- Joe: From the start, Junior ruled in the shadow of his late father. Papa Max had been a Grade A son of a bitch if ever there was one. Who would have thought we would look back on his reign as the good old days?
- Actor from film #1: [Has a gun to his head] I'll see you in hell!
- Actor from film #2: Save me a place in the shade!
- [Fires]
- Negotiator: Now about your son, you'll be glad to know that after a lengthy search of many years, we've finally succeeded in locating him. I assume you want to see him? Alive? It's a very simple proposition we're offering. We will guarantee the safety of your son, and will arrange regular visits, for you, with him.
- Thorne: In exchange for what?
- Negotiator: Just a few kind words on our behalf.
- Thorne: [after a pause] Go fuck yourself.
- Thorne: D'you ever hear about the Oracle that warned Papa Max that one day his wife was gonna give birth to a son who was gonna kill him and destroy the empire?
- Joe: Yeah. I heard that.
- Thorne: And they wonder why Junior is a psychopath! You would be too if your father tried to stick a coat-hanger through your head when you were a fetus.
- Skinny Comedian: I don't know Beaurigard, what is the difference between an Italian mother-in-law and an elephant?
- Fat Comedian: The black dress!
- Joe: [Narrating] Thorne's political movement had started as a coffeehouse movement. No one gave a shit. But as Junior cracked down, Thorne's followers turned to violence. Or maybe it was the other way around.
- Editor: Sir, will you have someone come in and refill my water dish?
- Maximilian II: Of course, Walter.
- Maximilian II: I am Maximilian the Second! I am the savior of the nation, I am the guardian of the people, I am the master of all the crawls upon the earth and swims in the sea. And you fuckers have fucked me in the ass for the last time! I would like him
- [Thorne]
- Maximilian II: eliminated, with extreme prejudice, like... like... Marlon Brando! Got it?
- Maximilian II: [has just stabbed his advisor to death with a pen] I wish I hadn't had to do this, but it's bad business to let failure go unpunished. It sends a bad message to the rest of the staff.
- Thorne: You know, Joe, when our forefathers came to this country, they burned their ships on the shore. There was no turning back.
- Maximilian II: Chuck, I thought you were out on the islands.
- Pool: Ah well, Helen gave me the weekend off, sir.
- Maximilian II: What a ball-buster.
- Maximilian II: You're not a basketball fan, are you Ted?
- Jones: Only during the playoffs, sir.
- Maximilian II: Because you're a big fag, that's why hm? Big fag... Naw I'm kidding, Ted, I'm kidding.
- Doc: So are you going to do yourself a favour and sign the loyalty oath?
- Joe: No.
- Doc: I 'm a man of science Joe, and all this revolutionary mumbo-jumbo; I was hired to employ the scientific method. My job right now is to uncover the root of this conspiracy based on the evidence.
- Joe: You have evidence?
- Doc: No, that's how I know there's a conspiracy.
- Joe: What?
- Doc: If there wasn't a conspiracy there would be evidence, that's how effective the conspiracy is.
- Joe: I know that I have done questionable things, but my role in the assassination of the president is one that even now I cannot say I entirely regret.
- Doc: [pacing high above] A stale piece of bread is better than nothing.
- Re-education Camp Prisoners: [repeating in unison] A stale piece of bread is better than nothing.
- Doc: And nothing is better than a big juicey steak.
- Re-education Camp Prisoners: And nothing is better than a big juicey steak.
- Doc: Therefore a stale piece of bread is better than a big juicy steak.
- Re-education Camp Prisoners: Therefore a stale piece of bread is better than a big juicy steak.