Nick Swardson credited as playing...
- Grace: I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob.
- Jeff: Wow, was he silent?
- Grace: Not after I got through with him.
- Alex: My grandma drank all my pot.
- Jeff: That's awesome.
- Alex: What?
- Jeff: I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?
- Jeff: I can't believe you came on my mom!
- Alex: Dude, your bed is a car...
- Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.
- Jeff: This chick's pussy smelled like the great depression.
- Jeff: [imitating J.P] My name is J.P. I am a robot. I have a robot vagina.
- Jeff: Crap that's Alex's intercom.
- [answers Alex's intercom and impersonates him]
- Jeff: Yello?
- Receptionist: Delivery at the front desk for you, Alex.
- Jeff: Cool! I hope it's a naked dude with a boner!
- Receptionist: What?
- Jeff: Nothing.
- Dante: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.
- Alex: Why is it called that?
- Dante: Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!
- Jeff: Uh, I don't wanna do that.
- Barry: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.
- Jeff: Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to shit in a plant?
- [Alex and his friends laughing]
- Shiloh: [mimicking laugh] Stupid fucking idiot, red-shirted ass! You guys think you're so fucking cool, it makes me sick! "Let's go make fun of the vegans, and their crazy lifestyle!" We're not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!
- Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.
- Alex: You're an idiot.
- Jeff: So Barry sucked on his first boobie last night.
- [people clap]
- Barry: [Gleaming with pride] For 13 hours.
- DDR Machine: [Jeff has just won a DDR Challenge] A NEW HIGH SCORE!
- Jeff: [to Bobby, the defeated co-worker] What does "high score" mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?
- Samantha: Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...
- Alex: [farts]
- Samantha: Is he sleeping?
- Jeff: Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.
- [pats Alex]
- Jeff: Wake up, dude.
- Alex: [wakes up] No chores, Grandma!
- Samantha: Nice rip, Alex.
- Alex: Rip what?
- Dante: [Answering the phone stoned] Hello?
- Jeff: Dante is Alex there?
- Dante: [hands the phone to Alex] The phone's for you. I think it's the Devil.
- Jeff: Your shit's weak! Wizzeak!
- Jeff: You're the reason Alex has been tired all week?
- Grace: Well, we have been sort of rough on him. But, he is kind of soft if you know what I mean.
- Grandma Lilly: We're not used to having a man in the house, so I guess we ride him pretty hard.
- Barry: Ohh, that is so gnarly.
- Jeff: My roommates said they were gonna get me rims for Christmas, or a CB radio so I could talk to other car beds.
- Jeff: Grace... I have something to confess.
- Grace: What's that?
- Jeff: [pauses] You were my first.
- Grace: Really? Oh, that's sweet. You were my...
- [thinks hard]
- Grace: 3,000-something.
- Jeff: [Raises hand to give a high five] Word up.
- Jeff: Hi I'm Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.
- Alex: Hey!
- Jeff: What?
- Alex: My bush isn't really grey.
- Jeff: Well, not according to my mom.
- Alex: [under his breath] I thought I told you to quit talking about that.
- Jeff: [frustrated] People keep asking me about it.
- Jeff: Who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era?
