- Keisha Marie: [helping Natella with her speech for school president] Peace to Tupac! Fuck tha police!
- Martin Jackson: Carol, that fireman says you shagged him!
- Carol Jackson: Which one?
- Martin Jackson: That one!
- [points to a fireman]
- Carol Jackson: Oh, no, I didn't shag that one.
- Martin Jackson: Ha ha. Unlucky!
- Martin Jackson: I'm not fly.
- Carol Jackson: You're not fly!
- Martin Jackson: I'm a math teacher.
- Carol Jackson: You're a math teacher.
- Martin Jackson: And that's plenty cool enough.
- Carol Jackson: You're a math teacher.
- Carol Jackson: [after Iqbal gets a big bag of money] Please tell me you will be spending that money on books.
- Iqbal: If by books you mean windsurfing lessons, then yes!
- Iqbal: [talking about cutbacks] From now on you will be drinking your own urine... in fact, you will be drinking my urine from now on!
- Dave Anderson: [after getting a record deal] Mornin', Martin.
- Martin Jackson: I'm not jealous.
- Dave Anderson: Of what?
- Martin Jackson: Nothing. Fuck!
- Dave Anderson: What'd you mean fuck?
- Martin Jackson: I love teaching. I don't want to be a millionaire.
- [begins to cry]
- Guidance person: Keisha, you're being sent to a school for the exceptionally challenged. Do you understand what that means?
- Keisha Marie: What d'you reckon?
- Guidance person: Well, what part don't you understand?
- Keisha Marie: "Epsteptionally".
- Guidance person: Well, that means "very".
- Keisha Marie: And "challenged".
- Guidance person: Well, that means "stupid". So you see, I could have said we're sending you to a school for the very stupid.
- Keisha Marie: [pauses to digest this information] Yes!
- Iqbal: These kids are like my own children. Except I'm not banned from going within a mile of their houses.
- Natella: I'm going to call my presentation, "Into the Melting Pot: a Carnival of Nations"!
- Keisha Marie: I'm going to call mine "Into the Shitpot: a Carnival of Shit".
- Keisha Marie: They's prejudiced against me because of the color of my skin! But I'm not here to talk about the struggle.
- Iqbal: Okay I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, we lose lawsuit and have to pay six jillion squid to some lawyer. Good news is, Iqbal ain't gonna take that shit from no-one. Iqbal is going to fight! I is take this case to House of Lords. And when they is tell me to fuck off, I is go to Brussels! Iqbal is never going to give in while he has breath in his body. Who's with me? I said, who's with me?
- [Everyone applauds]
- Iqbal: On second thought it would be really difficult, and I can't be bothered. School is closed forever.
- Iqbal: Bloody ridiculous... grown-up teachers behaving like children!
- Mr. Bibby: Morning headmaster.
- Iqbal: Ahh, Mr. Bibb. At least you are no like the children.
- Mr. Bibby: Oh, but I am, headmaster. I'm-a like the children very much.
- Iqbal: No, I mean you no look like the children.
- Mr. Bibby: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm-a thought you talking banana-boat English.
- Keisha Marie: [Keisha is being interrogated by the police] I told you, you got the wrong bitch! I'm J-Lo.
- Student: [about division] I still don't understand.
- Martin Jackson: Well, then, you're just a fucking idiot, then, aren't you? I've done pie, I've done orange, what more do you want?
- Martin Jackson: [Martin has just sold his novel, thus quitting his teaching job] Hee hee! You will never use anything I've taught you! And you're all idiots! Especially Keisha!
- Keisha Marie: [smugly] He chose me.
- Keisha Marie: So today's the day...
- Natella: Yep, D-Day.
- Keisha Marie: Yep, Thursday.
- Natella: Friday.
- Keisha Marie: Yep, Wednesday.
- Natella: No, it's Friday, Keisha.
- Keisha Marie: Or is it D-Day?
- Natella: Yes, but that's...
- Keisha Marie: You think you know so much about the days of the week!
- Gavin Beale: [writing a letter] Dear Archbishop, my robot Jesus is just like the real Jesus, except he's a robot.
- Iqbal: [interviewing disabled teachers, Iqbal commandeers a wheelchair] I am a Dalek! Exterminaaaate!
- [Iqbal is sobbing in the cloakroom]
- Mr. Bibby: Why, Headmaster, you're crying. I daresay, you're blubbering like a gimp. If you did this in Cyprus, or wherever it is you're from, they'd cut your nuts off.
- Iqbal: The teachers, they don' like me.
- Mr. Bibby: Well they didn't like me when I took their credit cards, but you don't see me crying about it.
- Keisha Marie: Shouldn't you be at the news agent?
- Natella: [annoyed] Shouldn't you be doing crack in the hood with all your gangsta yardie motherfuckers?
- Mr. Bibby: Think what it would mean to your parents. Or guardians. Or whatever combination of incompetent caregivers attend to your domestic requirements.
- Natella: [after playing her sitar and Gavin breaks it on stage] Well, what do you think? Give me your honest opinion.
- Keisha Marie: You were shit, shittier than shit. You were so shit it made me wanna block out my ears of shit and eat some shit, and then do a shit.
- Natella: Right... Latrina?
- Latrina: Shit.
- Natella: Well, obviously I can't expect you to appreciate the subtleties of Indian classical music. For my talents to be truly appreciated, I require a more sophisticated audience.
- Keisha Marie: I agree, if sophisticated means deaf.
- [Keisha has been speaking in riddles]
- Latrina: What class do we have next?
- Keisha Marie: Across the channel lies a land / Whose words we cannot understand
- Latrina: Ah, French.
- Keisha Marie: Double Chemistry.
- Gavin's robot Jesus: [acting suspiciously like a Dalek for the entire episode] Excommunicate!
- Mr. Phillips: I bet you guys had all sorts of nicknames for me?
- Latrina: Nope. Not really.
- Mr. Phillips: You probably called me "Shitlips" or something like that? You probably went "Oh there goes old Shitty Shitlips" eh?
- Natella: No.
- Latrina: Heh. Phillips. Sounds like shitlips.