- Jeffrey Ross: Anna Nicole's in the audience tonight, she's behaving herself...
- [Anna sticks her middle finger up]
- Jeffrey Ross: Oh! There we go! The funny thing about that is... Next year, we can Roast Anna Nicole and do the same jokes, only adding fat ones.
- Sarah Silverman: People say "Pamela Anderson's nothing without her tits!" And that's not true! That is *not* true!... She'd be Paris Hilton.
- Lisa Lampanelli: Look at this dais! We have a drag queen, a drug addict and a pervert. And I'm only talking about Andy Dick!
- Greg Giraldo: Courtney, what the hell happened to you? You were in a great band, you were a terrific singer and then your career dried up faster than Sarah Silverman's pussy around guys who can't help her in the business!
- Greg Giraldo: You starring in a show about books and reading is like Tom Cruise starring in a show about vaginas!
- Lisa Lampanelli: Hitler got more laughs than Jimmy Kimmel and he did it without Jewish writers! Tom Cruise watched it and went on anti-depressants!
- Lisa Lampanelli: [to Eddie Griffin] I don't know much about you Eddie, but I do know I love your brothers, Damon and Marlon!
- Nick DiPaolo: Pam's ass is so perfect, I don't think shit comes out of it. I think it's soft serve vanilla ice cream.
- [Turns to her]
- Nick DiPaolo: If you had dysentery, I'd follow you around for a week with a waffle cone.