- Dr. Farwell: [to a patient] What you need is a three-week prescription of legal marijuana. There 'ya go.
- Large female patient: [reading from a prescription notice she's just been handed, speaking to Dr. Farwell] 1875-BIGGIRLS-WOW? Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of fucking doctor are you?
- Grandma #1: [Talking to the priest about her daughter] I'm so worried about her, Father. What can you do to help us?
- Priest: Have you been saying your hail Mary's?
- Grandma #1, Lewis Jacobs: Yeah, yeah...
- Priest: [Thinks for a moment] Then add a couple of our father's.
- Professor Dayton: It's all right, Detective Jacobs. This sweet little thing is completely harmless!
- Carol #1: What is it?
- Professor Dayton: [holding a white rabbit] It's a rabbit, of course!
- Professor Dayton: [Playing the piano merrily] Maybe you'd better try the bathroom before you go, John... long drive ahead!
- John: [Sound of hissing snake] YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Dr. Farwell: [to an elderly female patient going blind] Oh, if there's any movies that you wanna see... don't wait.
- Legless Homeless Man: Doc, see anything you like?
- Dr. Farwell: No sorry, I'm into midgets right now.
- Legless Homeless Man: Hey, aren't you the new doctor at the clinic?
- Dr. Farwell: [laughs] Heh, for you - no, no, no!
- Legless Homeless Man: Say, I'm having real bad pains in my chest.
- Dr. Farwell: [falsely sympathetic voice] Oh, is that right? Well I'll tell you what, I'm going to go in here and I'm gonna get laid, then I'll come back, and meet me down at the hospital and I'll give you a bowel movement you'll never forget. Okay?
- [mocking homeless man's catchphrase]
- Dr. Farwell: Yaaahhhh!
- Legless Homeless Man: [though clenched teeth] Asshole!
- Dr. Farwell: [after breaking the news to a young girl that she has inoperable cancer] Have you uh, attended your Senior prom?
- Dusty: No, I'm a Junior.
- Dr. Farwell: [to the girls father] I'd find one to take her to. This weekend.
- Dr. Farwell: [turns to Nurse Jacobs] Can I get some coffee?
- Legless Homeless Man: [to two ambulance drivers buying hotdogs] Those things'll kill you! YYYAAAAAHHHHH!
- Professor Dayton: If I could create the perfect woman, I'd make sure there was an on/off switch in there somewhere!
- Fortune Teller: [looking into crystal ball] It's all about the future now...
- Possessed Radio: Don't even fuck with commodities. They're just gonna get you in trouble.
- Leon: [to Rachael the Call Girl] Hey! Hey, bitch! You got a permit to work my building? HEY! What the hell...
- [trails off]
- Alice: [Alice's family are staring at her in horror as she is standing covered in giant boils] Arrghhh... mom, it's me! It's Alice! It's ME!
- Rachael: [to Victor, her latest client, trying to determine where he lives] Where's 'home', dipshit?
- Female news reporter: Breaking news just in. Authorities believe that the latest rash of serial murders have been committed by a woman. They believe she may be a prostitute and the local tabloids have dubbed the culprit the Call Girl Killer. She has claimed 10 victims so far, all male. Now back to Jim in sports.
- Rachael: Well, it's about time. Call Girl Killer, huh? How original.