Steve Lemme: Fink • Emcee

Beerfest

Fink • Emcee

Steve "Fink" Finklestein: It's magical!
Landfill: I want to put my dick in it!
Jan Wolfhouse: I want it to put its dick in me!
Barry Badrinath: I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!

Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand playing ping-pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high stakes game in some opium den. Turns out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat 'em, they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... they held me down and shoved a ping-pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. Damaged goods.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if someone shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Barry Badrinath: It wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Great Gam Gam: Mr. Badrinath... we are not so different, you and I. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass. I got over it. You will, too.
[puts a comforting hand on Barry's shoulder]
Great Gam Gam: You will, too.

Barry Badrinath: Back the fuck up, Antonio! My dick!... My apologies, now 5 dollars to touch it while I touch my toes, 6 dollars to touch it while I touch your... Hey Jan and Todd... and Fink? Hey looking good, Finky!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: You too, Barry.

Barry Badrinath: [after drinking Ram's piss] Oh man, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever drank.
Landfill: I doubt that very much, playboy
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'm gonna puke! Hey guys... I don't think sitting on a rooftop drinking ram's piss is the way to go. We should get out there, and mix it up with some randoms.
Barry Badrinath: Yeah.
Landfill: Let's get bombed!
[everyone cheers]

Steve "Fink" Finklestein: You know, I got an idea. I think it might work. I did this study in college: Finklestein's Theory on the Effects of Alcohol on the Medial Temporal Lobe.
Gil: English!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Drunken recall. I made people drink massive quantities of alcohol, and then I taught them things while they were blacked out. Now, in the morning, they had no recollection of it whatsoever. But when I got them drunk again, they remembered everything.
Barry Badrinath: [pretends to cough] Bullshit!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Oh, now you're coming after me? This is great. I got a cowboy on one side, an Indian on the other. It's like the Wild West, all right? I got it published.
Barry Badrinath: Where?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Maxim magazine, under the title "E Equals MC Hammered".

Great Gam Gam: You two are the rightful heirs to the Von Wolfhausen Brewery. You should have the balls to take back what is yours!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Wow! You even talk like a whore!
Great Gam Gam: We are all whores in some ways.

Steve "Fink" Finklestein: [Speaking at Landfill's funeral] Landfill could eat a ton, but he could also love a ton. He had this habit of swallowing his food whole. I called him "The Tiger Shark." I used to joke that if you cut open his belly, you would find a license plate and a tire and half of an 8-year-old boy. One time, he farted an entire plum. I was plum surprised. I always tried to tell him to chew his food better but... he never listened to me. But that was Landfill. He was a fat asshole. But, um, he was my fat asshole.

Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Oh that's rich! I've got a cowboy on one side and an Indian on the other! It's like the wild west!

Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'll show you how to chug a beer, motherfucker, you fat fuckin' cow. L'Chaim!
[proceeds to drink a half-empty pitcher]
Landfill: Uh oh! I think somebody's trying to chug in my face!

Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Come on, guys. I'm a respected member of the scientific community. I've been published in four journals.
Landfill: Which one? Toad Load Weekly?

Pim Scutney: You're all fur coat and no trousers, you are.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'm sorry, one more time?
Rog Gobshire: Shove off! We're gonna put the skitters in your Alan Whickers, you plonker!
Barry Badrinath: [looking to Fink] Do you know what he's saying?

Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Nathan Cornwell has just discovered Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Big round of applause people, big round of applause.

Jan Wolfhouse: So what else do the Germans do?
Great Gam Gam: They also practice by drinking the urine of a ram.
Todd Wolfhouse: The - the what?
Great Gam Gam: They drink ram's piss.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Because of the pH balance?
Great Gam Gam: No... because if you can drink ram's piss, fuck, you can drink almost anything.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: She said "fuck."

Jan Wolfhouse: Double or nothing!
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: On what, huh?
Jan Wolfhouse: The von Wolfhausen family recipe. You win, you get to keep it. We win, we get your brewery. Or should I say our brewery?
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: But we already have the recipe!
[Wolfgang pulls out a disc given to him by Cherry, who laughs with the rest of the Germans]
Cherry: I got it off the nerd's computer. Hahahaha! You're fucked!
Rolf: Yeah, you're fucked.
[Fink bursts out laughing]
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: That's rich, Baron.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: What's so funny?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I didn't put that recipe on my computer. However, you are holding the recipe for a low-carb strawberry beer. We call it She-Wolf. It's okay.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: Strawberry?
[Wolfgang contemptuously turns toward Cherry and claps his hands]
Cherry: No, no, you know how you like strawberries, and you want me to lose weight, so that was the low carbs... Wait a minute, we like strawberries! Get your damn hands off! You're trying to see my panties! Goddamnit, put me down, please! Where are the Africans! Can the Africans come help me? Jesus!
[Gunshots are fired offscreen as Wolfgang's goons kill Cherry for bringing him the wrong recipe]