Quotes

Unaccompanied Minors

Oliver Porter: Who trained you kids, the Navy SEALs?
Spencer Davenport: Look, sir, just... Divorce kids are more resourceful than others, that's all.

Donna Malone: Hey. Watch it, Dr. Evil.
Oliver Porter: Oh no, did I offend you? Well I don't know what else to call someone who commits grand theft auto, reckless driving, destruction of property all in the course of ten minutes.
Donna Malone: Someone cooler than you'll ever be.
Oliver Porter: Oh! O-o-o-o-oh! Woo! That's fantastic! I didn't know we had Ellen DeGeneres in the house.

Grace Conrad: This is so not the Christmas I had in mind.
Donna Malone: Oh, poor baby. I bet you have nice Christmases, don't you, rich kid? Where does your family go? Paris? London? Fiji?
Grace Conrad: Please. Fiji's a zoo this time of year. We go skiing in Utah.
Donna Malone: Are your folks still together?
Grace Conrad: Yes.
Donna Malone: Then I hate you.
Grace Conrad: I'm not wild about you either.
Charlie Goldfinch: Well, I love Christmas - and I'm Jewish.
Timothy 'Beef' Wellington: My mom's boyfriend says that Christmas is when Frosty the Snowman fights with the devil.
Donna Malone: It talks.

Valerie's Sister: Yeah, I know exactly what you need - a nice, steaming cup of my wonderful hot chocolate.
Valerie Davenport: Oh, God, had three already and it's 80 degrees outside! Are you trying to kill me?
Valerie's Sister: Well, uh, no.
Valerie Davenport: Judy, my children are trapped in an airport on Christmas Eve. Do you have any idea how miserable they must be?

Zach Van Bourke: Oliver, as soon as I get these kids back on their planes, I quit.

Charlie Goldfinch: Oh, man, Harvard's never gonna accept me with a police record, and I'm NOT going to community college.

Donna Malone: It's really small in here.
Charlie Goldfinch: I know. It's great, isn't it?
Grace Conrad: Charlie, just because you compensate for your abandonment issues by squeezing yourself into small womblike spaces doesn't mean everybody else does.
[everybody looks at her]
Grace Conrad: What? My mom's a psychologist.

Oliver Porter: And then, the Abominable Snowman who transforms the Emergency Equipment Center into his own private amusement park and then blames it on Aquaman? Aren't you a little too old be to playing with dolls? I mean, what are you, like forty?
Zach Van Bourke: Uh, actually, Beef's twelved, sir.
Oliver Porter: Good Lord.

Baggage Handler: [teasing the caged barking dog] No Christmas dinner for you, Cujo!

Flight Attendant: Girls, the pilots are down in the restaurant and they want to buy us dinner.
Flight Attendant: Captain Cohen's down there? Never too late for a fifth husband. Lets go girls!
Flight Attendant: [turns around to leave, but stops mid stride] The kids!
Mary Lynn: Don't worry, ma'am, I'm a certified babysitter. I get paid fifty cents an hour.
Flight Attendant: Mary Lynn, there's a twenty in this for you.
Flight Attendant: [all the flight attendants leave for the restaurant] Captain Cohen, here I come.

[Grace lies on her back getting a spa treatment]
Admiral's Club Host: Excuse me. Are you unaccompanied?
Grace Conrad: I'm single. Who's asking?
Admiral's Club Host: [pointing to security guards] They are.
Grace Conrad: Are you gonna let me get dressed or should I just walk out of here naked?

Grace Conrad: Where are my friends?
Spencer Davenport: Oh, man. Where's my sister?
Oliver Porter: They went where all the good little boys and girls go for Christmas. They went... somewhere nice. Where, you ask? Why, the comfortable and festive Hoover International Lodge, which is just a few thousand yards down from this delightful little room, which now smells like a horse died in it.
Charlie Goldfinch: Oh, so we're going to the Lodge?
Oliver Porter: Uh, I think I have an answer to your question. Are you out of your juice-drinking little minds? Have you looked outside lately? The roads are blocked because there's a little thing called a blizzard going on. That's when the sky opens up and lots of snow falls and makes it hard for people to do things, like fly to Hawaii, for instance.
Grace Conrad: Who's going to Hawaii?
Oliver Porter: Not me. Not anymore.

Oliver Porter: I was just doing my job. You know that, don't you? I was just doing my job, just like I have for the last fifteen Christmases.
Spencer Davenport: Your family must hate that.
Oliver Porter: Well that's not really a problem since my wife divorced me five Christmases ago.
Spencer Davenport: Is that why you don't put up the decorations?
Oliver Porter: Let's just say they don't remind me of happy times.

Oliver Porter: [chasing the kids downhill in a kayak] Please tell me you're gonna stop at the hotel.
Spencer Davenport: Yeah, we are, but you're not! Hit the brakes!

Katherine Davenport: I don't WANNA see Santa!
Spencer Davenport: You know what? Then let's just go, okay?
Katherine Davenport: I don't wanna go!
Spencer Davenport: Then, get on Santa's lap!
Katherine Davenport: [screaming] I DON'T WANNA!
Santa at Mall: Ho, ho, ho! Somebody's not being a very good girl. I might have to put coal in your stocking this year!

Gas Station Attendant: Oh, hey. Sorry to scare ya. I was just about to carve a beaver.

Spencer Davenport: I would like a table for one in the no-little-sisters section, please.
Restaurant Hostess: Aren't you a little young to be flying by yourself?
Spencer Davenport: Not at all.
Spencer Davenport: [as Hostess reaches for a menu] No. No kids' menu.
Spencer Davenport: [as Hostess reaches for...] No, no-no-no. No crayons either

Charlie Goldfinch: [commandingly] "Physician, heal thyself!" It's Shakespeare.
Donna Malone: Man, you're no end of help in a fight, are you?

Spencer Davenport: Nachos. Oh, my mom never lets me eat those, you know? So, an order of those. She's banned all sodas from the house, so extra, extra, extra-large root beer.
Restaurant Hostess: My mom never let me eat mozzarella sticks.
Spencer Davenport: Mine either. Two orders. On to dessert, huh?
Restaurant Hostess: You don't have a tapeworm, do you?

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