- Annie Braddock: There's a common belief among anthropologists that you must immerse yourself in an unfamiliar world in order to truly understand your own.
- Annie Braddock: You want to know about the dads? I'll tell you about the dads. They're chubby, bald, steak-eating, cigar-smoking, type-A pigs who get more turned on by the Bloomberg Wire than they do by any hot nannies. Actually, it's all of you in about 5 years. So take it from me, guys: Enjoy tonight, because your future looks pretty fucking bleak.
- Annie Braddock: Child-rearing around the world boasts a wide variety of customs and mores. But perhaps the most bizarre social patterns can be found within the small island community of Manhattan... The inhabitants of the region known as the Upper East Side have the most prosperous, yet idiosyncratic social systems on the planet. After successfully mating and producing offspring, the men are often distant and uninvolved, leaving their women to hunt, gather and provide for their families. Yet the resourceful mothers of the Upper East Side have plenty of time to participate in a variety of sex-role specific activities. These include body mutilation, sacred meditation, even fasting rituals. Which brings us to our focus on child-rearing: Who actually does it? Well, in Africa, they have a saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." But for the tribe of the Upper East Side, it takes just one person: the Nanny.
- Annie Braddock: Okay Mrs. X, now it's time for a few simple childcare rules.
- Jane Gould: Oh, alright, the teddy bear has been compromised.
- Annie Braddock: Slamming the door in your kid's face is *not* okay. Spending more time on a benefit for kids that you've never met than you do with your own blood is *not* okay. Going to a SPA when your son has a fever of a hundred and four and not answering emergency calls, that officially makes you an unfit mother.
- Mrs. X: This is outrageous. Stop the tape.
- Jane Gould: Uh, no. This is clearly a disgruntled nanny. W-we might have something to learn here.
- Annie Braddock: Now I know that you're all pretty busy with your hair appointments, and your watsu massages and your attempts to stay young so your husbands won't leave you. But here's an idea! Why don't you try eating dinner with your child every once in a blue moon. And heads up here, lady, try smiling once in a while. People hate you.
- Grayer: When I grow up, I want to have enough money to build the real castle.
- Annie Braddock: Just remember, Grove, that money can't buy love.
- Grayer: But mommy pays you money, and I love you!
- Annie Braddock: C'mon, grove, why won't you shake your booty?
- Grayer: 'Cause I have to make a doodie.
- Lynette: You know, I bet none of those cultures you study practice such rigorous celibacy.
- Annie Braddock: You ever hear of the Shakers?
- Lynette: Yes, and they're extinct.
- Annie Braddock: Male monogamy remains an elusive, yet much mythologized practice throughout the world. In many Bedouin tribes, powerful men are encouraged to take multiple wives. In contemporary France, mistresses are de rigueur and quietly tolerated. But for the women of the Upper East Side, adultery is pathologically ignored.
- Lynette: You know, my grandmother worked as a domestic so we wouldn't have to. And here you are, fresh out of college voluntarily taking a nanny gig.
- Annie Braddock: I told you, this is not a lifelong commitment. Okay? It's just a way for me to get my head together. Besides, the money is great. I finally get to move to the city.
- Lynette: I'm moving to the city to go to grad school, not to be somebody's servant.
- Annie Braddock: I swear, all these people eat is bean curd and seltzer. I mean, even the ice cream is made out of tofu.
- Mrs. X: If school is ever canceled, the following nonstructured outings are permissible: the Met, the Morgan Library, the French Culinary Institute, the New York Stock Exchange.
- Annie Braddock: We can do lots of fun things. We just have to be friends and we have to trust each other. Okay?
- Mrs. X: I know it's Sunday and you requested a day off, but I desperately need to sleep in. I have a very long afternoon today tasting caterers for our benefit, "Conga for the Congo."
- Grayer: Mommy said you're supposed to take me to her favorite museum, the "Guggyheiny."
- Annie Braddock: Well, since today was supposed to be my day off, we're gonna go to my favorite, the Museum of Natural History.
- Grayer: Isn't that on the West Side?
- Annie Braddock: Yeah, so?
- Grayer: I'm not allowed to go on the West Side. That's a rule.
- Annie Braddock: Well, today just happens to be break-the-rules day.
- Jane Gould: Okay, listen, I want to see you all here next week. The seminar is called "Sexy Mom, Happy Mom." It's gonna be a hot one.
- Mrs. X: Perhaps it might be a nice morning to do something educational with Grayer, like the Pissarro show at the Guggenheim.
- Annie Braddock: As for you, Mr. X, who the hell are you? Maybe you're asking the same about me. I know you've noticed my ass, but you probably don't recognize my face, so here's a little hint, okay? I'm the one who's been raising your son.