Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre

A tongue-in-cheek, horror-themed adult feature, this movie's title promises 'discerning' viewers some gory stalk 'n' slash to go with their bump 'n' grind. Unfortunately, for most of its running time, Camp Cuddly Pines offers only one type of 'powertool'—and it's pink and fleshy. And as for the spillage of bodily fluids—well, not much of it is red! With scene after scene of hardcore humping, and nary a graphic death in sight, anyone watching this movie WITHOUT the intention of choking their chicken will be extremely disappointed. In fact, to be honest, even for that purpose, Camp Cuddly Pines is pretty uninspiring, with each sex scene pretty much consisting of the same routine: oral, position A, oral, position B, money shot.

The cast—your typical assortment of silicone enhanced bimbos and muscle bound studs—struggle admirably to act in between the frenetic shagging, but to be honest, they're much better at delivering blow-jobs and facials than their lines. Only seasoned porno pro Randy Spears gives anything remotely resembling a decent (non-sexual) performance, and saves the whole mess from being a complete waste of time: his hammy turn as an R. Lee Ermey-style hayseed cop is pretty funny, and his brief tussle with a stuffed raccoon actually made me laugh (and not before time, considering this rubbish is also supposed to be a comedy of sorts).

As a porn film, I rate Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre 6/10; as a slasher/horror, I rate it a miserable 1/10 (splashing some fake blood after cutting away from the victim just isn't enough, I'm afraid); and as a comedy, I give it a rather generous 2 (1 point each for the two R's—Randy and the Raccoon!). Add those scores up, divide by 3, and we get a disappointing average of 3/10.

No pun intended - I mean going into the woods and all that. And having the now infamous Stormy Daniels really might help people going out of their way to find this ... well movie. I mean whatever you may think of movies of this nature, they still are movies. I assume you know why you are here - either because you are curious about Stormy or you actually read my reviews ... which is an honor of course.

That being said, this also had an audio commentary on it. And it also has a story to tell. It is not as long as ODS (the other Stormy movie I have reviewed), but it still has quite the ... force behind. And of course, again many beautiful people - you can watch this for the story, but Operation Desert Stormy made more sense - no pun intended here either.

Still there is humor and there is some horror - but more of the former rather than the latter. And of course, a lot of nudity and people ... sleeping with each other. I am not shy, I am just cautious not to write something that may be offensive by any standards. I am also writing this while listening to the audio commentary - which is the way to go (or come I assume - sorry for that, but at least one of those are required by an unwritten law).

Like with ODS there are a lot of scenes that got cut - but if you have or had a video store than they will have had versions where all the extras were on. I am writing this review way earlier than I am releasing it on imdb. Editing if something comes up .. not that kind of ... you know what I mean. Mayhem and a lot of tension released ... in the movie that is - check - especially if you do like horror movies! This does spoof a lot of them - maybe even the Found Footage subgenre - not sure when this was made ... again, this is senseless yet quite sensitive fun you can have - if you just watch the story, it will be like a short movie too. Just suspend your disbelief and remember: the budget was not high (effects are subpar) and there is not that much blood or gore (if any depending on your standards) - edit: there is a special feature that includes all the "found footage" from the cam corder ... so yeah, they spoof that too.

Back in 1993 Jonathan Morgan starred in several inventive and successful porn comedies for fledgling label Wicked Pictures like "Haunted Nights", but this porn-parody of horror movies a decade later is a dud.

Problem is everything is overdone, especially the cast's hambone acting, resulting in no laughs and ho-hum accumulation of slasher movie cliches. Special effects are weak and the blood/gore is token, likely downplayed because porn plus violence has become fodder for censorship.

Morgan is left with 10 hardcore sex scenes, four of which are extended with extra footage on an additional disk in the 3-DVD release. I enjoyed watching many familiar actresses auditioning (and giving very, very poor line readings) for Jessica Drake's role, shown as a bonus. In the main feature, Jess's crummy wig is distracting.