- [first lines]
- Interviewee: Come in; sit down.
- Interviewer: Thank you for letting me see you, Ms. Santos. I was wondering - are any of your other employees in the office right now?
- Interviewee: No, no, it's just us. Why do you ask?
- Interviewer: How did you get started in this business?
- Interviewee: Well, a couple of years ago, I was dating a private investigator and one night, my then boyfriend took me out to a restaurant and told me he was working on a case.
- Interviewer: Really?
- Interviewee: Yeah, it was nothing dangerous - it was your basic cheating-husband-meeting-girlfriend sort of thing. It-I found the whole thing really exciting and, um, and I knew right there that I wanted to be a private investigator, so I went through the training and, um, and at the time I was working as a model and, um, and I had of lot of model friends and when I told them I was starting the training, they got very interested and so I go this idea of starting an agency of private investigators where all the undercover agents were glamour models.
- Missing Person: Jesus. What's a nice girl like you doing in a piece of crap van like this?
- Detective with Straight Blonde Hair: I borrowed it.
- Missing Person: Well, it's a bad choice for tailing me. It's big, ugly and noisy - and it probably gets lousy gas mileage, too.
- Detective with Straight Blonde Hair: It's not so bad.
- Missing Person: Well, I'm glad you like it, because you're going to be spending some time in it. Put your hands behind your back!
- Detective with Straight Blonde Hair: Look, I don't know who you think I am, but you've got the wrong person.
- Missing Person: Mm-hmm. Well, I've been looking over my shoulder for quite some time now and I know when a two-bit P.I. is tailing me.
- Detective with Straight Blonde Hair: Do I look like a P.I. to you?
- Missing Person: So was it a correspondence course... 'cause you really are lousy at this.
- Missing Person: What is wrong with you? Why do you have all this rope in your van? What was your objective? Let me guess - macramé?
- [to her tied-up captive]
- Missing Person: I'm going to have a look around and then I'm going to get out of here. Don't go away.
- [reading the detective's credentials]
- Missing Person: Ah, just what I though. Ha! Glamour Model Detectives. Hmmph. Well, as a detective I think you make a pretty good model.
- Missing Person: God, should I leave these van doors open or closed? This really isn't a good neighborhood. Hmm, you want them closed? Too bad.
- [Alexis snaps a pair of handcuffs on Ariele]
- Detective with Curly Blonde Hair: You have a strange way of greeting your neighbors, I must say.
- Missing Person: Jimmy is lying to you. All that stuff about me embezzling four million dollars - phfft! That arson thing - never happened. He is just lying to make himself up. Oh, and that thing that I stole his Bentley... I did not steal his Bentley. Hell, he gave it to me. All lies... racketeering, my ass.
- Missing Person: I know that even if you Barbie doll detectives give up, he's just going to find someone else, so I must disappear - again!
- Missing Person: Thank you so much for the cookies. Now, don't hurt yourself - eventually someone will find you. But I am going to take all these cookies and eat them for myself. Ha-ha, no cookie for you!
- Interviewer: One last question... are you familiar with the Hester case?
- Interviewee: Um, that's an open investigation. How did you know about that?
- Interviewer: Heh-heh. Mr. Hester hired me to take care of the case.
- Interviewee: What do you mean?
- Interviewer: I'm going to retrieve or destroy all your files on this case.
- Interviewee: Really, I'm sure that there's a way that this can be negotiated so that nobody gets hurt.
- [interviewer stuffs a gag into Interviewee's mouth]
- Interviewer: Well, no, I think this way should work pretty well.
- [last lines]
- Interviewer: By the way, did you really think there was an American Detective magazine?
- [laughs]
- Interviewer: What kind of detective are you?