- Pvt. George Weston: Actually, Doc, there were two guys in my unit who got beaten up. One colored... and one homosexual.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: So you're a Negro. Who'd have guessed?
- Frank Burns: I don't have to take this kind of abuse!
- Hawkeye: Oh yes you do, Frank. You invite abuse. It would be impolite not to accept it.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [examining Lt. Col. Blake's ear] Wow!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What? What is it? What do you see?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I can't describe it... it's almost like a little Nativity scene...!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I hate sunrise. And those damn birds will start singing in a minute. Who are they to remind us of happiness?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Pierce, I didn't sign.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: How dare you do the right thing.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Frank said he'd go over my head. I said, "go". He's done it so many times I got footprints on my scalp.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Can I see you to your tent?
- Lt. Stevens, RN: No, thanks.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Can I see you to my tent? A neutral tent?