- B.J.: [reading a letter] Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, this is terrific. The other day, Peg took Erin out to eat. And so they're sitting in this restaurant, and Erin taps Peg on the shoulder and says, "Potty, Mommy". All by herself. Isn't she incredible?
- Charles: A veritable potty prodigy.
- B.J.: So, Peg takes Erin to the restroom and when they get back, Peg is so excited she tells the waitress, next thing you know the manager comes over and brings Erin a big chocolate milk shake to celebrate. Ha, ha, ha!
- Charles: Oh, I wish I could've been there to see that.
- B.J.: Oh, don't you? Don't you, though... Oh, no! When she got home, Erin was so excited she wet her pants.
- Charles: Hunnicut, I really wouldn't let one little accident mire such a noteworthy event.
- Col. Potter: [about his grandson] The kid is barely out of diapers and...
- Charles: Colonel, I beg you no potty stories.
- Col. Potter: Potty stories? I was just going to say that the boy had his first pony ride.
- Charles: Oh. Of course.
- Margaret: Speaking of potty training, my first cousin had...
- Charles: We aren't speaking of potty training. We shall never speak of potty training so long as I am standing here.
- Col. Potter: Hey, Major, you seem to be a little touchy on the subject of potty training. Could it be that you were a member of the rubber sheet brigade?
- Charles: Don't be absurd, Colonel Potty.
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Captain, your friends over *there* wanted me to tell you there is an empty seat *over* there.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's fine by me. I'm in better company alone.
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You guys are really on the outs, huh?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do you have any idea how tough it is to live in the same shoebox with a couple of irrational jackasses?
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Yeah, I know. They were just complaining how tough it is to live with *one*.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What a rotten thing to say.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't know, moving out of The Swamp seems a little drastic. I was thinking more along the lines of a murder/suicide kind of thing.
- Charles: Pierce, daytime is for talking. Nighttime is for sleeping.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Forget it.
- B.J.: Look, we're over here fighting for democracy. All those in favor of turning off the light, say "Aye". Aye!
- Charles: Aye.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sorry, the polls closed at sundown. I will turn off this light when, and only when, I get to the end of this book.
- Charles: Very well, *Pierce*.
- [Gets out of bed, walks over to Hawkeye, picks up his book and tears off the last few pages and back cover, then hands it back to him]
- Charles: You are now at the *end* of your book.
- [Turns off light]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Turns light back on] Just a minute!
- [a pillow is hurled at him]