- Pipper: McGregor! Troy McGregor? Thomas' son?
- Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
- Tom Servo: Know him? He was delicious!
- Satoris: Why don't you ask your friend when he arrives?
- Crow T. Robot: Ha. The joke's on you. I don't have any friends.
- [upon seeing the villain Satoris in "The Final Sacrifice"]
- Mike Nelson: Canadian Villain: Garth Vader.
- Troy: Rowsdower, have you always been a...
- Crow T. Robot: Hopeless drunk?
- Troy: ...Drifter?
- Rowsdower: No.
- Troy: Well, what were you before?
- Rowsdower: I was...
- Mike Nelson: A Chippendale's dancer.
- Rowsdower: Their people ruled this land once.
- Mike Nelson: They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew.
- Tom Servo: [in a little kid voice] Oh please, just one more sacrifice before we go?
- Mike Nelson: Okay, but this is the *Final Sacrifice.*
- [Tom Servo sings an ode in response to Canada bashing]
- Tom Servo: [sings] Oh I wish I was back in old Canada, a land which I never shall lampoon, how I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba, and the beauty that is Saskatoon...
- Mike Nelson: [interrupts] Here, I got one.
- [sings]
- Mike Nelson: Oh I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta, drinking beer with some big dumb guy trapping fur. As he scraped and he chiseled all the moose dung off his boots, I would learn that he's the Prime Minister!
- Crow T. Robot: [sings] Oh I wish I was in the land that gave us Peter Jennings, Alannis Morrisette, Mike Myers too. No I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you paid me. O Canada, you are a place I must eschew!
- Tom Servo: [annoyed] Now this is not in the spirit that I intended!
- Mike Nelson: Oh, come on, give in, I mean, after all they gave us Ed the Sock - and Rush!
- Crow T. Robot: Yeah! What are you defending? They're such feebs!
- Tom Servo: OK, I'll try.
- [sings in a hostile tone]
- Tom Servo: Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island, and going on to bomb Ontario! Ha, ha! The destruction of Canada and all of its culture, is by far my fa-vo-rite scenario!
- Mike Nelson: OK, now, that's a little strong...
- Tom Servo: [manic] No, you were right Mike! This is much more fun!
- [sings with angry gusto]
- Tom Servo: Just *where* the hell does Canada get off sharing a border, with countries far superior to it? Why, you lousy stinkin', Francophonic, bacon-lovin' bastards, your country's just a giant piece of sh -...
- Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot: Whoa!
- Mike Nelson: Okay, I think that's enough!
- Tom Servo: [sobbing] I'm sorry! I have no sense of proportion! I'm a disgrace to my uniform!
- Mike Nelson: That's OK, now calm down now. Mustn't hate, mustn't hate...
- Crow T. Robot: At least not so overtly.
- Mike Nelson: Exactly, must disguise our hate, just a little. It's okay now, Dudley.
- Tom Servo: [sobbing] Pardonnez-moi, pardonnez-moi...
- Troy: The map is real!
- Mike Nelson: "Map Israel"? I believe Israel has been fairly well mapped already.
- Mike Nelson: [as Mike Pipper] Here's the plan. My army of trained rats will lead the charge and my scabies will protect our flank.
- Troy: [Troy is at his father's grave] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time and I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
- Mike Nelson: [as Troy's father] I died.
- Tom Servo: [watching Rowsdower toss and turn in his sleep] I'm exhausted, I've gotta take a nap after I'm done sleeping.
- Tom Servo: [as Satoris] Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell, you SHOT me in the BUTT!
- [Satoris starts burning]
- Crow: So Mike, most humans, when you shoot 'em in the butt, they burst into flames?
- Mike Nelson: Uh, I dunno.
- Crow: Can we try it? Turn around.
- Mike Nelson: [as Troy] Oh I'm glad I don't have any friends, cause then I wouldn't be able to do this.
- Tom Servo: [singing] Doo, doo, doodoo...
- Mike Nelson: [Rowsdower guns down two cultists] Gilles, no! Not Etienne!
- Tom Servo: [upon seeing a junky old truck with laundry hanging from it] Oh, and who says there aren't any nice homes in Canada?
- Tom Servo: [singing] Rowsdower saves us, and saves all the world!
- Crow T. Robot: [singing] He comes to save the day in a broken truck...
- Mike Nelson: [singing] With a stinky denim jacket on his back...
- Crow T. Robot: [seinging] He couldn't help this movie, which reeeeally sucked...
- Mike Nelson: [singing] But at least we didn't have to see him... play hacky-sack...
- [a black-hooded cultist arrives at a house]
- Tom Servo: Tee-hee. Tee-hee!
- Mike Nelson: His head is still factory-wrapped.
- Crow: [snickering] Is he a door-to-door executioner?
- Crow: [the villian is praying] God bless mommy, and daddy, and grandpa, and all of my evil henchmen.
- [Troy is wandering around in the woods]
- Mike Nelson: So, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.
- Tom Servo: Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear!
- Rowsdower: D'you have any idea what kind of people you're dealing with?
- Crow: They're from Saskatchewan!
- Mike Nelson: Children and pregnant women should not watch this scene. You know, in fact, no one really should watch any of these scenes.
- [Troy and Rowsdower peer down into an ancient underground tunnel]
- Mike Nelson: [as Troy] You're gonna throw me down there, aren't you?
- [Troy peeks out of a hole in the ground]
- Crow T. Robot: [as Troy] This is just like when they bury me every week at school, and give me pink-belly and hang me from the goal-post and shave my head and magic-marker my wienie and stuff me in my locker.
- [Satoris uses his cane to draw the Ziox symbol in the ground]
- Mike Nelson: Man, that's a terrible golf stroke.
- Rowsdower: Well, kid, looks like we've had it!
- Tom Servo: I probably only had about three weeks left anyway! Errrgh!
- [Rowsdower is riding a horse]
- Mike Nelson: [as horse] Uh, sir, maybe if you got rid of that huge gunnysack of ground pork on... oh, that's your butt.
- Mike Nelson: [Troy is walking through a graveyard] People are dying to get...
- Tom Servo: [cutting him off] No.
- Troy: Rowsdower, were you always a drifter?
- Rowsdower: No.
- Troy: What were you before?
- Mike Nelson: A Chippendales dancer.
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