- Jackie Slater (segment "Make Me Laugh"): Tell him, Julie... tell him, Julie... tell him about that gig in Buffalo! Six weeks held over! Capacity audience, man, in a tough room! I mean when I start to grow, man, I... I zoom! I could fill the Hollywood Bowl!
- Mishkin (segment "Make Me Laugh"): Unasked, following opinion, couldn't fill a men's room with free shoeshines.
- Mishkin (segment "Make Me Laugh"): Look, you are his agent, isn't that the idea?
- Jules Kettleman (segment "Make Me Laugh"): Sixteen years, Mr. Mishkin.
- Mishkin (segment "Make Me Laugh"): Then book him in the Air Force Museum. This guy doesn't tell jokes, he goes on bombing missions.
- Jackie Slater (segment Make Me Laugh): You are now face to face with Mr. Unlucky.
- Chatterje (segment Make Me Laugh): Forgiveness, Mr. Slater, but compared to me you are the winner of the Irish Sweepstakes. You are the owner of the 1969 New York Mets. And on the day they repeal prohibition, you are the little old winemaker.
- Jackie Slater (segment Make Me Laugh): Your indulgence, Mr. Chatterjee, but I am a, a-a ship maker in the desert. I am a diamond cutter w-with the palsy. I-I am an opera singer w-with laryngitis.
- Colonel Archie Dittman (segment "Clean Kills and Other Trophies"): The whole world is a bloody hunting jungle. You stalk with the hunter or you run with the quarry. You have no other choice. The beasts have no choice, only man. That is why he is superior.
- Archie Dittman Jr. (segment "Clean Kills and Other Trophies"): Oh, no, no, no, no... not superior, just-just deadlier. You take away his gun and he's a beast.