- Jerry Seinfeld: [after Newman leaves with Kramer's radar detector] Does that thing work?
- Cosmo Kramer: [almost before Jerry is even finished] Nah.
- Russell Dalrymple: So what have you two come up with?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is, I would play myse...
- George Costanza: Uh, may I?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Go ahead.
- George Costanza: I think I can sum up the show for you in one word. Nothing.
- Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?
- George Costanza: Nothing.
- Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?
- George Costanza: The show is about... nothing!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it's not about nothing.
- George Costanza: No, it's about nothing.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, maybe in philosophy, but even nothing is something.
- Susan Ross: What's the premise?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and... as a comedian living in New York, and I have a friend and a neighbor and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.
- George Costanza: Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read, you eat, you read, you go shopping.
- Russell Dalrymple: You read? You read on the show?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I don't know about the reading. We didn't discuss the reading.
- Russell Dalrymple: All right, tell me about the stories. What kind of stories?
- George Costanza: Oh, no. No stories.
- Russell Dalrymple: No stories? So what is it?
- George Costanza: What did you do today?
- Russell Dalrymple: I got up and came to work.
- George Costanza: There's a show. That's a show.
- Russell Dalrymple: How is that a show?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, maybe something happens to you on the way to work.
- George Costanza: No, no, no! Nothing happens!
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Pointedly] Well, something happens.
- Russell Dalrymple: Well, why am I watching it?
- George Costanza: Because it's on TV.
- Russell Dalrymple: Not yet.
- George Costanza: [Clears throat] O.K... uh... look. If you wanna just keep doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity, and I'll tell you something else. This is the show, and we're not gonna change it.
- [Snaps fingers at Jerry]
- George Costanza: Right?
- [Exits]
- Jerry Seinfeld: How about this? I manage a circus...
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: When you vomit on somebody, it is a social faux pas from which there is really no recovery. At that point, there's really very little you can say to the person. There's no Hallmark cards that cover this occasion. There's no "vomit sympathy card" section of the store. "You wear it well." You know, there's no words that really capture... "Next time, lunch is on me." There's no, really, way to phrase the sentiment.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: Parents like to drag kids to these historical sites on vacation. I remember going to Colonial Williamsburg, and you see the supposedly authentic blacksmith there. You know, he's got the three-cornered hat and the knickers and the Def Leppard T-shirt. My parents took me to the Amish country, which, to a kid, you know, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone, they go, "So what? Neither do I." So it's a whole community that's been grounded. And that's the way they should punish the kids after they take them home. "All right, son, get up to your room. That's it. I've had it. You are Amish, young man, for the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish. And don't come down till you make some noodles and raise a barn."
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