Dr. Johnny Fever: [to Andy] I think I'll just take her over to my place, see...
Herb Tarlek: [butting into Johnny and Andy's conversation] Mistake!
Dr. Johnny Fever: Hi Herb.
Herb Tarlek: You guys talking about a broad, right?
Andy Travis: A broad?
Herb Tarlek: Dawg, chick, skirt, bimbo.
Andy Travis: [pointing at Herb in recognition] Oh!
Herb Tarlek: Yeah, right. Look, John, do not take her to your place.
Dr. Johnny Fever: Why not?
Herb Tarlek: "Why not?" Number one, the joint's a dump! No offense.
Dr. Johnny Fever: Certainly not.
Herb Tarlek: And number two, take it from ol' Herbie, that if there is no show, there is no go. Comprendo?
Andy Travis: [to Johnny] Now Herb here is an expert on women. He's even written some letters to Penthouse.
Herb Tarlek: [shaking off what he believes is the compliment] A couple. A few. I don't think they sounded realistic enough. A bunch of teenage girls on roller skates attacked me one day and had their way with me. Happened!
Andy Travis: Hey now, Herb. Why don't you give us your professional advice on women.
Herb Tarlek: You really wanna know?
Andy Travis: Sure. Why not.
Herb Tarlek: Okay. First, you get yourself a plan. And what's the one thing that all plans just scream out?
Jennifer Marlowe: [entering the room generally going about her own business] Hi guys.
[while Andy and Johnny watch Jennifer, Herb sits silently enraptured by the aura that is Jennifer before she leaves the room]
Herb Tarlek: [continuing without missing a beat] An objective! The one thing that all plans have to have: an objective. And when it comes to dating, we all know what that is.
Dr. Johnny Fever: Friendship?
Andy Travis: A pleasant evening?
Herb Tarlek: [getting up and walking away] If you guys are gonna kid around with me...
Andy Travis: We're sorry. Go ahead.
Herb Tarlek: [turning back to face Andy and Johnny ultimately sitting back down next to Johnny] Okee. You take a woman to a nice place, N-I-C-E, and that says I like you, you're important to me, and by bringing you here you know I like nice things and that I have very high standards, and one of them is you. You joke, you kid around, and you hope that rare connection will happen when both of you instinctively know that the same river that flows past her door flows past yours. It's not... it's not a sexual thing, actually, but it is romantic... with all the excitement and sheer human fun that goes along with it. But the important thing is not just letting a woman know that you want her, but letting her know that she can have you in a very non-threatening, totally natural, loving way.
Andy Travis: [totally enthralled as Herb walks back to his desk] Uh, uh, what else?
Dr. Johnny Fever: Yeah, what then?
Herb Tarlek: Come on now, you guys know.
Dr. Johnny Fever, Andy Travis: No, no, what?
Herb Tarlek: You get her drunk, stupid.
