- Lois Griffin: [Lois and Peter wait for a pregnancy test] God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role playing.
- Lois Griffin: [flashback] Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl.
- Peter Griffin: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
- Lois Griffin: Paladin's can't use the helm of disintegration.
- Peter Griffin: Oh. Then, I'm a black guuuuy.
- Peter Griffin: Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
- Cleveland Brown: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.
- Quagmire: That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a... a belt.
- Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
- Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
- Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Nite lineup.
- Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
- Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
- Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green.
- Brian Griffin: Those are colors.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, you're getting your tubes tied.
- Peter Griffin: Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy.
- Peter Griffin: First of all, I don't know what that is. And second, no freakin' way!
- Lois Griffin: Do you think I'm fat?
- Waiter in restaurant: Only if you think I'm a serial killer.
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Waiter in restaurant: Nothing.
- [last lines]
- Chris Griffin: Hey, Doc, what did you with my mom's fat?
- Dr. Elmer Hartman: Oh, it's right here in the storage closet.
- [Dr. Hartman opens the storage closet door; inside, Peter has his pants around his ankles, his leg wrapped around the bag of fat and is making out with it]
- Peter Griffin: Uh... it's exactly what it looks like.
- Dr. Elmer Hartman: Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.
- Lois Griffin: Thank you, doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
- Meg Griffin: For your information, mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
- Lois Griffin: Chris did you get your homework done?
- Chris Griffin: Yep.
- Lois Griffin: Chris, I know when you're lying to me, just like Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping.
- [short scene with Santa Claus]
- Chris Griffin: No mom, I've got it all done. For my science homework I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man.
- Lois Griffin: You mean diorama.
- Chris Griffin: Ooo-oooohh.
- Peter Griffin: [at the sperm bank] Hi, there. Peter Griffin. I've, uh, got an appointment to, uh, banish a White Russian from my Kremlin.
- Nurse at Sperm Bank: [Peter exits the storage freezer] Mr. Griffin, you were in there an awfully long time. Are you all right?
- Peter Griffin: Yup, yup. Fine, fine. And, uh, just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance.
- Stewie Griffin: [Lois is worried she's pregnant] Hmm, Lois pregnant. I didn't think the fat man still had that kind of marksmanship.
- [after a night of sex]
- Lois Griffin: Last night was amazing.
- Peter Griffin: It was, wasn't? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs.
- Bertram: If it isn't my half-brother, Stewie!
- Stewie Griffin: Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles?
- Bertram: He donated sperm.
- Stewie Griffin: Gross.
- Peter Griffin: Now come here, my fat concubine.
- [shoves a slice of cake in Lois's mouth]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not even hungry.
- Peter Griffin: I want you bigger! I want you fatter! It will please me.