- Tom Servo: [pointing out an exhibit at an international fair which resembles France's Arc de Triomphe] Oh, look it's the Arc de Full Retreat.
- Joel: [as trapeze artists are shown riding bicycles along a tight-rope] Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.
- Joel: As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on... "
- Tom Servo: Booooo-ring! Boring!
- Joel: Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me!
- Magic Voice: Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.
- Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary!
- Crow T. Robot: Yeah, c'mon!
- Joel: Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it.
- Crow T. Robot: Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called?
- Joel: Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!"
- Joel: [the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.
- Joel: [they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe."
- Tom Servo: NOT THE RECIPE!
- Joel: 3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup."
- Tom Servo: The horror, the horror.
- Joel: "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."
- Crow T. Robot: Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!
- Tom Servo: No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?
- Joel: "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!"
- [the bots scream in terror]
- Joel: Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.
- Dr. Forrester: That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"
- Gypsy: [slowly] A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?
- Joel: Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be. According to Merritt Stone.
- Tom Servo: [offscreen; furious] HE'S NOT MERRIT STONE!