- Estelle: When you love someone, you love all of them... you gotta love everything about them, not just the good things but the bad things too. The things that you find lovable and the things you don't.
- Chauffer Redmond: We're just passing Rodeo Drive. Did you ever shop there?
- Kate: I did once. It was a big mistake. Big. Huge.
- Male Anchor: There you have it, folks. Young love. Full of promise, full of hope, ignorant of reality.
- Julia Fitzpatrick: What do you do with the flowers?
- Reed Bennett: You know the ones that nobody wants?
- Julia Fitzpatrick: So you're giving them a second life?
- Reed Bennett: Yeah, most chaps throw them away. I like the idea that tomorrow somebody's going to see them floating by, wonder where they come from, behind the mystery of it all. I used to, actually, put them together and practice new designs with them and drop them off at a random doorstep with notes in it: "Somebody out there loves you". And they get to thinking, "What if they found out that somebody me? Would they want me to be the one that loves them?"
- Julia Fitzpatrick: I would... want that.
- Alphonso: You don't step in to love, you fall in. Head over heels. Have you ever seen someone fall head over heels in love? It's ugly, bro. Toxic, septic.
- Reed Bennett: How did you and your wife get it so right?
- Alphonso: Easy, I married my best friend!
- Reed Bennett: I thought I was your best friend.
- Reed Bennett: When I was a kid, most of the advice that my dad gave me was crap. But there's one thing that he said that was pure genius... he said, if you're ever with a girl that's too good for you, marry her.
- Reed Bennett: There's this girl.
- Oversized Baggage Agent: Oh don't tell me, that'll take the fun out of guessing. Let's see, this is gonna be a tough one, there's a very pretty girl and she's about to get on a big airplane and if you don't stop her, she'll never know how you really feel.
- Reed Bennett: Not exactly.
- Oversized Baggage Agent: What am I missing?
- Reed Bennett: If she gets on the plane, she's gonna find out the hard way that the guy that she thinks she's in love with is a spineless lying creep!
- Oversized Baggage Agent: That's no good.
- Reed Bennett: No, it is no good. And I can't let that happen. Because this girl, she is great! She's like... like sunshine. Everything is better when she's there. I can't stand the idea of some jerk hurting her, I just can't. I can't.
- Reed Bennett: That's what I'm doing here. Because apparently everyone and their mother felt that way but nobody had the guts to tell me. And now, I'm left with some stupid ring and an empty closet and an ache in my gut the size of Texas because nobody told me.
- Julia Fitzpatrick: My name is Julia. And I'm gonna be your server tonight. Why don't I get started with a few specials?
- Pamela Copeland: Yes, please.
- Julia Fitzpatrick: Tonight the chef is featuring a dish that he likes to call the Lying, Stinking, Pig.
- Pamela Copeland: You're kidding! How is that cooked?
- Julia Fitzpatrick: He starts by cutting off the pig's testicles and he chops them up really finely, teeny, tiny pieces. And then he takes those testicles and he pulverizes them and adds in a little arugula. Some sage, feta cheese, and shoves the mixture back up the pig's well, for lack of a better word, ass.
- Pamela Copeland: Really?
- Julia Fitzpatrick: Yeah. Then he cuts out the heart. The cold, useless, tiny, little heart. Then fillets it on either side and it's a nice amuse bouche.
- Pamela Copeland: I'll have the salmon.
- Kelvin Moore: Listen, I'm a player. But I shut down my playerness from New Years to St. Patty's Day just so I can avoid this day.
- Reed Bennett: Did you even consider marrying me?
- Morley Clarkson: Of course I did... but when you ask a girl to marry you, do you want her to just consider it? Or do you want her to just know?
- Reed Bennett: You don't keep inklings to yourself! You share them! You're like hey guy, I got an inkling you're headed for a fall here! That's what friends do, that's common knowledge, it's in the damn handbook!
- Kara Monahan: I have my best friend, Candy.
- Kelvin Moore: Oh, that's good.
- Kara Monahan: Cause I can't get enough.
- Franklin: Valentine's day was a massacre in Chicago where lots of people were killed and they put a curse on the Chicago cubs.
- Susan: I need happy, I need romantic, I need love, and I need it from you.
- Kelvin Moore: You need Jesus...
- Susan: Go, go right now!
- Kelvin Moore: It's not about defiance, it's about what a man will do for love. I stand behind you, Sean... metaphorically speaking.
- [finishes phone sex conversation and turns around]
- Liz: Oh, God.
- Jason: That is a really weird way to talk to your boss.
- Liz: It's not what you think
- Jason: Really?
- [feigned sigh]
- Jason: Awesome, because, what I think it is, is you leaving me at dinner to talk dirty to your boyfriend Stanley.
- Liz: No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- [feign sigh]
- Jason: What a relief to know you're not someone who licks people all up and down with their scratchy kitty-cat tongue.
- Liz: I moonlight as an adult phone entertainer.
- Jason: Like... phone sex?
- Liz: Yes. This is the busiest day of the year for phone sex. Surprise...
- Jason: Why didn't you tell me?
- Liz: OK, um. I'm broke. I have a 100K student loan, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay off, I have no health insurance. And, so, if you know of a job, that will pay a poetry-major $40 an hour with her clothes on, I'm all ears.
- Jason: OK. I'm out.
- Liz: Are you gonna call me?
- Jason: Well, you know, I'd like to say yes. But... I don't know if I can afford it.
- [beat; Liz turns, Jason chases]
- Jason: I'm sorry. That was, I'm sorry. Come on, you know I didn't mean that.
- Morley Clarkson: And then there's the whole thing with my parents' horrible...
- Reed Bennett: Your parents, wait, hold on, wait a second, just because your parents had a bad divorce doesn't mean that you're going to have a bad divorce. They're not hereditary, it's not like it's contagious.
- Morley Clarkson: You're not getting it. You know the first phone call I made after you proposed was to my office, to confirm my ten o'clock meeting.
- Liz: Thank you so much for last night, I had a blast, and there is fresh coffee for you in the kitchen.
- Jason: I think I'm out of coffee.
- Liz: Yeah you were, but i borrowed some from your neighbor. By the way she was very surprised that you had female company, she thought that you were gay. Don't worry, I set her straight.
- Jason: Bye.
- Dr. Harrison Copeland: What's there to hate?
- Julia Fitzpatrick: Nothing, if you're a handsome, divorced doctor, but for the rest of us single women, it's kind of a giant cosmic bitchslap. It's like the universe saying, look, remember when you were fourteen and you had cystic acne and braces and you played the saxophone in the marching band and no one would invite you to the winter formal? Well nothing's changed.
- Dr. Harrison Copeland: Oh, I would crawl over cut glass to take you to the winter formal. And then I would prescribe Retin-A for your skin.
- Reed Bennett: What's the greatest love song of all time?
- Alphonso: "Rock and Roll All Night," by Kiss.
- Reed Bennett: That's a stripper song.
- Oversized Baggage Agent: [to Reed] Look, I'm 52, and I wear a bright blue shirt to work. Don't make me madder than I already am.
- Romeo Midnight: So count it down with me, lovers. And raise your glass to those 3 little words that we all want to hear: "Let's get naked."
- Jason: I'm sorry, it's just that... I'm from Muncie, Indiana. The wildest thing I ever did was... Leave Muncie, Indiana!
- Kara Monahan: You came.
- [sees Julia is mad]
- Kara Monahan: What happened?
- Julia Fitzpatrick: [Julia gestures for the bat. Kara let's her take it] He's married.
- Julia Fitzpatrick: [Julia destroys the heart pinata with the baseball bat!] Now that's what I call open-heart surgery.
- Julia Fitzpatrick: Peppermint Pattie?
- Kara Monahan: Yep.
- [Kara takes the candy from Julia]