- Guru Pitka: If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
- Darren Roanoke: How can you be the Love Guru if you've never been in a relationship?
- Guru Pitka: Well, there is someone I like. But until I learn to love myself, I can only go out with three girls named Ann.
- Darren Roanoke: Three girls named Ann?
- Guru Pitka: Yeah. Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.
- Guru Pitka: Intimacy is like putting your wiener on a table and having someone say "That looks like a penis... only smaller".
- Guru Pitka: [opening line, spoken in deep voice] When I was a child in India, growing up in the tiny village of Harenmahkeester, I found a voice over machine which I still use to this day.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: What's the capital of Thailand?
- Guru Pitka: Bangkok.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: Exactly.
- [punches Pitka in his groin]
- Guru Pitka: Omar Sharif, my balls!
- Guru Pitka: Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy. Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.
- Guru Pitka: [picks up Coach Cherkov] I'd like to thank the Academy. Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: Put me down, a-hole!
- Guru Pitka: [notices Coach Cherkov behind him and freaks out] This little guy scared the crap out of me. I think I'm gonna have to do a panty check. I might have some monkey-mustard back there. No, I am good.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: [to Jane] Who is this prick?
- Guru Pitka: Well, how do you do? Shrimp?
- Coach Punch Cherkov: What did you call me, jagamo?
- Guru Pitka: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome. Name! You are a midget.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: I find that term condescending!
- Guru Pitka: Condescending. That's a *big* word for you.
- Jessica Simpson: [using the ashram's greeting] Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
- Guru Pitka: Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.
- [kisses a flower, gives it to her and then grabs her head, causing a small orgasm]
- Guru Pitka: [recovers] Did you get into the VIP room OK?
- [Jessica smiles, the Guru mouths the words I LOVE YOU]
- Val Kilmer: Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
- Guru Pitka: Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer.
- [kisses a flower, hands it to Val who breaks a part of it off]
- Guru Pitka: [screams loudly] Why do you hurt me?
- [Val looks confused]
- Guru Pitka: I know why, I know why.
- Mariska Hargitay: Mariska Hargitay, Guru Pitka.
- Guru Pitka: [stunned] Mariska Hargitay, Mariska Hargitay.
- Jacques Grande: Ding Dong. Did someone order the special Quebec pizza huh? You know, like in the porno.
- Angry Fan: Boo! You suck Bullard!
- Jane Bullard: No you suck! You can say bad things about me but I won't say bad things about myself! So guess what? You can all just kiss my... Canadian ass!
- [crowd cheers]
- Jane Bullard: Cherkov, Pitka's coming you have to...
- Coach Punch Cherkov: Are you as turned on as I am right now?
- Jane Bullard: You're a bad bad person.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: I'll take that as a yes!
- Jane Bullard: Pitka's coming just stall! Ew!
- Guru Tugginmypudha: Good distraction frees us from emotional pain. Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz.
- Guru Pitka: Tonawanda street? I know this street.
- Darren Roanoke: You do?
- Guru Pitka: Yes. At what number did you live?
- Darren Roanoke: Fifty-three.
- Guru Pitka: Did you know a Dickie Withers at 85?
- Darren Roanoke: No?
- Guru Pitka: Well, it does. A dickie does wither at 85. I own you! Yeah! You are laughing! You see, you are filled with joy of a child!
- Guru Pitka: Jane, the city of Toronto doesn't hate you.
- Jane Bullard: Oh, yeah they do!
- Guru Pitka: Uhhh, no they don't
- Jane Bullard: Oh, yeah they do!
- Guru Pitka: Uhhh, no they don't
- Jane Bullard: Trust me, at the arena I had maintenance paint lines telling me where the crowd can't see me! You know so they don't boo me and throw stuff at my head!
- Jane Bullard: I haven't laughed like this in such a long time.
- Guru Pitka: Why not?
- Jane Bullard: It's hard to laugh when men just see you as some curse.
- Prudence Roanoke: [about Darren] Do you think he's really changed? I mean, he can't even play in front of his own mother. She's like kryptonite to him.
- Guru Pitka: In my book, "If You're Happy and You Know it, Think Again", I speak of intimacy, or "into-me-l-see."
- Jane Bullard: Can we win the Cup without Roanoke?
- Coach Punch Cherkov: Not a chance, boss. As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande is banging Darren's wife, Darren's toast.
- Jane Bullard: My father once told me the Yankees hired a guru to turn their team around. I have our guru. If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup. They call him: The Love Guru.
- Guru Tugginmypudha: Maurice, you're not of Indian blood. Speak of your parents.
- Teenage Pitka: They are both dead. They were missionaries.
- Guru Tugginmypudha: And what did they do before then?
- Teenage Pitka: They were dog stylists.
- Guru Tugginmypudha: So, let me get this straight. They were into doggy style before the missionary position?
- Guru Pitka: Your entourage must stay behind.
- Darren Roanoke: No, no, no, no, no. They protect me.
- Guru Pitka: Well, they didn't protect you from that outfit, now, did they?
- Darren Roanoke: What? What's wrong with shark skin?
- Guru Pitka: More like gay-skin, how about. What? Yeah.
- Jacques Grande: And now, I'd like to show my love by making for you a Quebec pizza.
- Prudence Roanoke: What's that?
- Jacques Grande: Pop-Tart with the ketchup. She's good.
- Jay Kell: Roanoke found out his wife, Prudence, was dating the L.A. Kings' legendary French-Canadian goalie, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande. He earned his nickname, "Le Coq" for reasons that cannot be stated on this program.
- Jay Kell: Darren Roanoke, known as the Tiger Woods of hockey, Roanoke brought the sport to a whole new audience... A role model turned bad boy. He was in a perfect marriage. But before the playoffs, he stunned the world by separating from his wife, Prudence. From role model to dating models.
- Guru Pitka: I was born in America, which is where our journey begins. It's the story of a hockey player named Darren Roanoke, my most resistant student, who became my greatest teacher. Or some such bullshit. I don't know.
- Jay Kell: Tonight is all about champions. But before we get going, I'd like to start by thanking my own personal champions. The fans who supported me with their cards and letters during my recent addiction to peyote buttons and Frangelico.
- Jay Kell: I'd like to apologize to Dame Judi Dench for my vicious and brutal attack. I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that, and I hope the staples come out soon.
- Guru Pitka: Let me get this straight. If I fix their marriage, I get on Oprah, and if I get on Oprah, I'm the next Deepak Chopra!
- Guru Pitka: Without intimacy, you feel nowhere. Tonight I want you to go from "nowhere" to "now here."
- Guru Pitka: After he got syphilis, he would say things like, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'." "Did it smell that bad when you ate it?" "Liquor up front, poker in back." But his point was this, "If you can't love yourself, you can't love another."
- Jane Bullard: I didn't even ask for this job! I guess it's just my fate!
- Guru Pitka: Fate is a joke. And as I once read on a wall, in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow, "The joke is in your hands." Oh, my God, I just got that.
- Guru Pitka: As I write in my book. "Stop Hitting Yourself. Stop Hitting Yourself. Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?", I explain that, people may say bad things about you, but you must never say bad things about yourself.
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