John C. Reilly credited as playing...
Dewey Cox
- [after Dewey accidentally barges in a room filled with smoke and groupies]
- Sam: [coughs] Get outta here, Dewey!
- Dewey Cox: What are y'all doin' in here?
- Sam: We're smoking reefer and you don't want no part of this shit.
- Dewey Cox: You're smoking *reefers*?
- Sam: Yeah, 'course we are; can't you smell it?
- Dewey Cox: [Dewey doesn't have a sense of smell] No, Sam. I can't.
- Reefer Girl: Come on, Dewey! Join the party!
- [takes a hit off a joint]
- Sam: No, Dewey, you don't want this. Get outta here!
- Dewey Cox: You know what, I don't want no hangover. I can't get no hangover.
- Sam: It doesn't give you a hangover!
- Dewey Cox: Wha-I get addicted to it or something?
- Sam: It's not habit-forming!
- Dewey Cox: Oh, okay... well, I don't know... I don't want to overdose on it.
- Sam: You can't OD on it!
- Dewey Cox: It's not gonna make me wanna have sex, is it?
- Sam: It makes sex even better!
- Dewey Cox: Sounds kind of expensive.
- Sam: It's the cheapest drug there is.
- Dewey Cox: [at a loss and out of excuses] Hmm.
- Sam: You don't want it!
- Dewey Cox: I think I kinda want it.
- Sam: Okay, but just this once. Come on in.
- [in rehab]
- Nurse - Rehab: Doctor! Doctor!
- Dewey Cox: I'm so cold.
- Rehab Doctor: We need more blankets.
- Nurse - Rehab: We need more blankets!
- Nurse - Rehab: Doctor!
- Dewey Cox: I'm so hot!
- Nurse - Rehab: I think he has too many blankets.
- Rehab Doctor: Fewer blankets!
- Dewey Cox: I'm hot and cold at the same time!
- Nurse - Rehab: He needs more blankets and he needs less blankets.
- Rehab Doctor: [gravely] I'm afraid you're right.
- [Dewey walks into a room with Sam and three women]
- Sam: Sam? What you all doing in here?
- Sam: [holding a pill] Dewey, get out of here. You don't want no part of this shit.
- Dewey Cox: What is it?
- Sam: It's medication for erectile dysfunction, it gives you a boner! Not to be used if you have a pre-existing heart condition. If boners last more than four hours, call more ladies.
- [laughs]
- Dewey Cox: Well, that does sound tempting, but you know what, Sam? I really don't want no part of that shit.
- Sam: Did you hear what I said? It gives you a boner!
- Dewey Cox: Springburry ain't big enough for me no more. I reckon it's time for Dewey Cox to move on.
- Ma Cox: But y-you're only 14?
- Dewey Cox: Mama, I love you. But I don't need nobody. All I need is my music. I've seen my path today, and I'm gonna take it, and some day, I'll make my masterpiece, and you'll all be proud of me. Just like you were of Nate.
- Edith: Can I come, Dewey?
- Dewey Cox: Of course you can, Edith! You're my girlfriend.
- Edith: I am?
- Dewey Cox: Yes, silly! I pointed at you in the audience.
- Edith: [to the family] Did you hear that? I'm Dewey's 12 year-old girlfriend!
- Dewey Cox: [after singing a much faster and louder version of "Walk Hard" due to the effects of cocaine] Alright, again! Faster!
- Dave: This is crazy, Dewey. Ain't nobody gonna wanna listen to music like this. You're standing there playing as fast as you can, singing like some sort of... punk!
- Dewey Cox: Don't you dare try to stifle me. Whose band is this anyway? You cocksucker! I'll punch you in the mouth!
- Dewey Cox: [irritated] I don't need people around me, stifling me. So if you don't like it, there's the door.
- Theo: Dewey, are you sayin' you don't need us no more?
- Dewey Cox: Not unless you can open your minds... and learn to play the fucking theremin.
- [brief pause]
- Theo: FUCK YOU, DEWEY!
- Dave: Yeah, fuck you, Dewey! In twenty years, not once have you thrown a woman my way. You don't think we like cheating on our wives too?
- Sam: And you never once paid for drugs. Not once!
- Dave: You pay that chimp more than you pay us! I had to borrow from the chimp to get a mortgage on my house!
- Theo: And those stupid siamese glass cats you get us every year for Christmas! I don't want anymore siamese glass cats!
- Dewey Cox: The siamese cat is a symbol of nobility in Ancient Egypt.
- Sam: Fuck nobility!
- Dave: Fuck Ancient Egypt!
- Theo: ...Fuck cats!
- Sam: And you never paid for drugs. Not once.
- Dave: [angrily] You slept with my wife!
- Theo: You slept with me, too! And I've had confused feelings about that for ten years now!
- Sam: And you never *once* paid for drugs!... Not once.
- Dewey Cox: [talking to his chimp] I'll tell you, I've had it. I've had it with all this crap! You took her side every time! All you care about is fruit, and touching yourself. Well fuck you!
- [Dewey meditating with the Maharishi and The Beatles]
- The Maharishi: Only through meditation can we begin to understand our role.
- Paul McCartney: We're nothing but... grains of sand.
- Dewey Cox: That was freakin' transcendental, Paul McCartney. Don't you agree, John Lennon?
- John Lennon: Yes, Dewey Cox. With meditation there's no limit to what we can...
- [glares at the camera]
- John Lennon: *imagine*.
- Dewey Cox: What do you think, George Harrison of The Beatles?
- George Harrison: I don't know. You know? I'm just trying to get more songs on the album.
- Ringo Starr: And as Ringo Starr, I'm not so interested in meditation, I just like to have fun.
- [holds up peace sign]
- Dewey Cox: [laughs] I like the little one.
- Dewey Cox: Prison has changed me. I understand the common man the way I never did before. I gotta get out of here! So I can bring joy to the men back in here, but I don't wanna live with them!
- Dewey Cox: So you've never done nothin' you shouldn't have done to me?
- Edith: What have I ever done to you?
- Dewey Cox: Like that time you woke up in the middle of the night and drank up all the milk! And then I got up to have my corn flakes and there was none left!
- Edith: Dewey, you cheated on me!
- Dewey Cox: Oh, so I'm a cheater, but you can just drink up all the milk.
- Dewey Cox: You know what? Go ahead! Take the children, I don't care! All I need is my music. I don't need you.
- Dewey Cox: [pointing to the babies] And I don't need *you*, and I don't need *you*, and I don't need *you*. You're just sitting there all high and mighty in your diaper. If anything, you need me, you're a baby.
- [Dewey goes into a bathroom where Sam is with groupies]
- Sam: Get out of here, Dewey!
- Dewey Cox: What are y'all doing in here?
- Sam: It's called cocaine, and you don't want no part of this shit!
- Dewey Cox: Cocaine?
- [Sam nods and smiles]
- Dewey Cox: What's it do?
- Sam: It turns all your bad feelings into good feelings. It's a nightmare!
- Dewey Cox: [speaking of his complex song] It's still not finished yet. I'm hearing... more Aboriginal percussionists. And I want an army of digeridoos. Fifty thousand digeridoos!