- Frank Wolff: If you're lucky enough to have one person in this life to care about, then that's world enough for me.
- Lily Houghton: Haven't you been dreaming about another adventure?
- McGregor Houghton: If I wanted to go to a primitive backwater where I can't understand a word anyone's saying, I'd visit our relatives in Scotland.
- Lily Houghton: Aguirre's cartographer certainly was prolific.
- Frank Wolff: He lost his life searching for something that can't be found.
- [approaching waterfall]
- Lily Houghton: I cannot swim!
- Frank Wolff: You booked a river cruise and you can't swim? The price just went up.
- Frank Wolff: You know, they say the boa constrictor right there is capable of eating up to 500 pounds per sitting. Personally, I find that very hard... to swallow.
- Frank Wolff: I get paid by the number of people I take out, not by the number of people I bring back.
- Frank Wolff: If you look to the left of the boat, you'll see some very playful toucans. They're playing their favorite game of beak-wrestling. The only drawback is, only two can play.
- Frank Wolff: The rocks you see here in the river are sandstone. But some people just take them for granite. It's one of my boulder attractions.
- Lily Houghton: I'm a little rusty in the Puka Michuna dialect, so I want you to translate what I say, word for word.
- Frank Wolff: Okay.
- Lily Houghton: No, I cannot give you the Arrowhead.
- Frank Wolff: Oh, God. Lily.
- McGregor Houghton: Lily.
- Lily Houghton: Shut up. Just say it. Yes, I have the Arrow that belongs to your people.
- Frank Wolff: [FRANK SPEAKING TUPI] She's being weird about the Arrowhead.
- Lily Houghton: I will return it.
- Frank Wolff: [SPEAKS TUPI] She's extremely difficult.
- Lily Houghton: But first I must use it to find the Tears of the Moon.
- Frank Wolff: [SPEAKS TUPI] It's hard to be around her.
- Lily Houghton: Now, if I die for that, so be it.
- Frank Wolff: [FRANK SPEAKS TUPI] She doesn't mind if you kill her.
- Lily Houghton: But you must let these two men go free.
- Frank Wolff: [SPEAKS TUPI] Just don't kill me.
- Lily Houghton: "We" is an interesting word, Frank, because it sort of implies a bond of trust and honesty. Neither of which you know anything about, because you are a liar, Frank. You are selfish, you are arrogant, and I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you, which clearly isn't very far, because you are huge.
- [on a standard riverboat tour]
- Frank Wolff: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.
- [Frank surreptitiously triggers a device that flows water over the boat and into the river]
- Frank Wolff: The backside of water!
- Boat Tourist: It looks just like the frontside.
- Frank Wolff: It's the eighth wonder of the world.
- Frank Wolff: First of all, let me congratulate you on your excellent choice of skipper. Of all the jungle cruises you could take in the Amazon, this one is undoubtedly the cheapest. But also the most thrilling.
- McGregor Houghton: [to Lily] Breaking and entering, grand larceny, and worst of all, forced to take public transport. Should I be concerned about you?
- McGregor Houghton: You think you're the first to eject me? I have been turned out of some of the best clubs in Europe!
- [in the middle of a fight with thugs, Lily accidentally punches Frank in the face]
- Lily Houghton: Oh, God! Sorry, Frank!
- Frank Wolff: [nonplussed] It's alright. Strong form.
- McGregor Houghton: [McGregor brought a massive amount of luggage, and Frank is throwing it into the river] Those are my tennis rackets!
- Frank Wolff: It's a river cruise.
- McGregor Houghton: Assorted day wear and shoes?
- Frank Wolff: No.
- McGregor Houghton: Light reading and bathing costumes?
- Frank Wolff: Good.
- McGregor Houghton: The liquor?
- Frank Wolff: That one can stay.
- Frank Wolff: No, the bath is out there. That's the bath. 4,300 miles of luxurious bath. I also warmed it a little bit for you earlier. Oh, and I know you don't know how to swim. So if you happen to drown out there, go ahead and, uh, use the soap to wash yourself ashore.
- Frank Wolff: Well, folks, you were all outstanding today, now I need you all out, standing on the dock. That means "get off my boat." I'm only serious.
- McGregor Houghton: [submarine surfaces] Who are those guys?
- Lily Houghton: Oh, my gosh.
- Frank Wolff: The price just went up.
- Lily Houghton: I consider five thousand real more than adequate.
- Frank Wolff: Ten thousand, I take you there myself. I am my best captain.
- Lily Houghton: Or your most modest. Fine, ten thousand.
- Frank Wolff: Ten thousand to bring you there alive. If I have to bring you back dead, it's fifteen thousand.
- Lily Houghton: Why should I pay more dead?
- Frank Wolff: Dead, I'd have to carry you. That's a lot harder, lady.
- Lily Houghton: Twenty, dead or alive.
- Frank Wolff: Okay, but I get paid in full when we turn back from Lagrimas de Cristal.
- Lily Houghton: Why ever would we be turning back?
- Frank Wolff: Well, you're going to beg me to turn back first sign of the rapids.
- Lily Houghton: Well, I look forward to disappointing you.
- McGregor Houghton: [McGregor and Nilo walk in] Lily, look who I found at the hotel bar: Mister Nilo.
- Nilo: Buongiorno, signorina.
- McGregor Houghton: He drives a hard bargain, but he met his match with me. Negotiated him down to fifty thousand.
- Lily Houghton: For goodness sake, Frank! Is there a single thing about you that I can trust?
- Frank Wolff: Not a thing.
- [the boat is heading for a waterfall]
- Frank Wolff: Do you wanna turn back?
- Lily Houghton: Nope, just getting started.
- Lily Houghton: My name is Dr. Lily Houghton. My brother and I are looking for passage upriver. Legend has it that there is a tree that possesses unparalleled healing power. It will change medicine forever.
- Frank Wolff: Hey, McGregor! Had a girlfriend once, she was cross-eyed. Didn't work out. We could never see eye to eye.
- Lily Houghton: Oh, my God! Is that your idea of a joke? That is not funny.
- Frank Wolff: I'm also quite sure she was seeing somebody on the side.
- McGregor Houghton: Where are they taking us?
- Frank Wolff: We're headed into headhunter territory... which is a terrible place to be headed.
- Lily Houghton: Oh, Frank, come on, not now!
- Frank Wolff: I can't turn it off!
- McGregor Houghton: [to Frank; about Lily] She was always chasing after some far-fetched idea. There's no such things as curses.
- [first lines]
- McGregor Houghton: [narrating] All legends are born in truth. From the Amazon came the legend of the Tears of the Moon. A single petal from the great Tree Could sure any illness, and break any curse.
- McGregor Houghton: Over the centuries, many expeditions went searching for the Healing Tears of legend. None more famous than that of the conquistador Don Lope de Aguirre, Who was determined to possess the Tears' power. But the jungle protected the Tears.
- McGregor Houghton: History will tell you his journey ended in failure. But legend tells more.
- Frank Wolff: You know, before this, I used to work in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate... yeah, they put the squeeze on me, too.
- McGregor Houghton: My sister, who just made full professor at Cambridge, has asked me to respectfully reject your invitation of membership on her behalf. Which I will do. Just not respectfully. Gentlemen, you can take your invitation and you can shove it up your ass-ociation!
- Lily Houghton: Ready for your first driving lesson?
- Frank Wolff: I think so, Pants.
- Lily Houghton: I hope you know what you're getting yourself into here, Frank.
- Frank Wolff: A car.
- Lily Houghton: Oh, your jokes. They will be the death of me.
- [Engine starts]
- Lily Houghton: They are absolutely exhausting.
- Frank Wolff: Wow, Lily!
- Frank Wolff: Hey, Lily, look. Everything that you see that's new in this world, I've seen hundreds of thousands of times.
- Lily Houghton: Yes, but none of it had been meaningful.