Kiefer Sutherland credited as playing...
General W.R. Monger
- General W.R. Monger: [presenting a slide show about his monsters] Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus.
- [a woman screams, dropping her tray with china]
- General W.R. Monger: Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub into a 350 foot tall monster, that attacked Tokyo. Here we have the Missing Link.
- [Ronson screams and drops her tray again]
- General W.R. Monger: A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man, who was thawed out by scientists. He escaped, and went on a rampage at his old watering hole. This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, PhD., the most brilliant man in the world. He invented a scientific machine, that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. Unfortunately there was a side effect.
- [Ronson screams again, cracking china]
- General W.R. Monger: Now, we call this thing B.O.B.
- [Ronson screams again, cracking china]
- General W.R. Monger: WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUTTA HERE?
- [off-camera sound of Ronson being taken away, cracking china]
- General W.R. Monger: Thank you! A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant. The resulting goop gained consciousness, and became an indestructible, gelatinous mass. And our latest addition: Ginormica.
- [another scream, the same as Ronson's is heard, and it turns out to be the President's]
- The President of the United States: [clears his throat] General, continue.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: [building an atom bomb out of a plastic toy] Ah, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you? Just need a smidge.
- General W.R. Monger: [on walkie-talkie] Rescind Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges, immediately.
- General W.R. Monger: Don't think of this as a prison. Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it's locked from the outside.
- General W.R. Monger: We, er, had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell, try to keep you all calm like.
- [the cell has a small "Hang in there" poster with a kitten on]
- Susan Murphy: [on the verge of tears] But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitten, hanging from a real tree. I want to go home.
- General W.R. Monger: Oh. come on, little Debbie, please don't cry, it makes my knees hurt.
- General W.R. Monger: This place is an X-file, wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.
- The Missing Link: You see what I'm saying? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's ever getting out.
- General W.R. Monger: Good news, monsters! You're getting out!
- The Missing Link: Until today.
- Susan Murphy: Oh, thank goodness. A real person. You are a real person, right? Not one of those half person, half machine, whatever you call those things?
- General W.R. Monger: A cyborg?
- Susan Murphy: Oh, no! You're a cyborg!
- General W.R. Monger: Woo-whee! Now, that's a robot!
- Susan Murphy: It's huge.
- General W.R. Monger: Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might want to bring it back to the farm.
- Susan Murphy: No, no, no, no, wait! You didn't say anything about it being huge!
- General W.R. Monger: I'm not gonna kid you, Mr. President. These are dark times. The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass! We need raw power! We need... monsters!
- General W.R. Monger: I've been your warden for close to fifty years. That's no longer the case. For what it's worth...
- [he salutes]
- B.O.B.: That's rude. What did we do?
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No, B.O.B., that's not rude. That's a sign of respect.
- General W.R. Monger: Monsters, I'm so proud of you, I could cry, if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war. But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.
- Susan Murphy: What is it, General?
- General W.R. Monger: Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor. As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making it's way to Paris.
- Susan Murphy: Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now who's with me?
- The Missing Link: What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?
- [Butterflyosaurus roars, saying *yes*]
- The Missing Link: We're in.
- B.O.B.: I'm in!
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Count me in too.
- General W.R. Monger: Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage, and locked them up in a secret prison facility. So secret, that the mere mention of its name is a federal offense.
- Advisor Cole: [to his table neighbor] Is he referring to Area Fifty...?
- [is shot with a tranquilizer dart]
- [last lines]
- The President of the United States: Everyone, let's welcome my new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General W.R. Monger.
- General W.R. Monger: Thank you, Mr. President. What a great way, sir, to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.
- The President of the United States: Very good, Warren. All right, let's get it started in here. Nerd!
- Advisor Wedgie: Gentlemen, I have assembled a preliminary budget estimate for the rebuilding of San Francisco.
- The President of the United States: Zoinkers! This is gonna be a boring one. Good time for a cup of Joe. Warren, how do you take it?
- General W.R. Monger: Hit me with a double venti organic, chocolate brownie, caramel frappucchino, extra hot with one inch of foam. Non-fat.
- The President of the United States: You got it. Black it is.
- [he pushes the nuke button by mistake, despite all the advisors shouting at him not to]
- General W.R. Monger: My God, man! What have you done?
- The President of the United States: Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check on the situation in 500 years. Who wants to freeze my head?
- The President of the United States: [deleted scene] Get Monger on line two. No, line one. You know what? Don't second guess yourself. Line two.
- General W.R. Monger: Yes, sir, Mr. President?
- The President of the United States: General, hi. Um, we're having a bit of a situation here in the situation room and I'm gonna need you to return those monsters to that secret prison facilities place... thingy. Anybody help me out?
- [the rest of the board were hit by darts as they almost say the name]
- General W.R. Monger: But Mr. President, you gave me their freedom.
- The President of the United States: I'm sorry, General. I hate hurting monsters' feelings as much as the next guy but we need someone to blame and it can't be Smitty. Are we clear, General?
- General W.R. Monger: Yes sir, Mr. President. You're clear.
- The Missing Link: [deleted scene] I'm gonna miss you, Insecto. You were the only one who ever really understood me. We could really talk, couldn't we? Not just about chicks and sports and beer... but real stuff. Deep stuff. Stuff that guys don't usually talk about together. And now you're gone.
- B.O.B.: What are we gonna do now, Doc?
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: For the first time in my brilliant life, B.O.B., I don't know.
- The Missing Link: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're not gonna let Insecto die in vain. That's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get up to that mothership and we're gonna save Susan.
- General W.R. Monger: Well, then, monsters, you're gonna need a plan. If we're gonna get aboard that mothership, we need to commandeer that robot. I'll run first, draw them aliens out of there then blast down as many as I can. I'll use scatter fire so I don't have to blast them all at once. When I'm done, I'll need Link to come in and throw down an intimidating shout. Now I need you all to keep 'em scattered. It's important we get 'em down fast. We'll be in big trouble if we don't get this done quick, so you be sure to get in there. Doc, give me a number crunch.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Our chances of survival are exactly 432,765,000... to one.
- General W.R. Monger: Well, that's better than usual.
- B.O.B.: Alright, time's up! Let's do this! Leeeeroooy Jenkiiins!
- [B.O.B. jumps out the window]
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Did he just? B.O.B., you idiot!
- General W.R. Monger: Come on, let's get in there.
- [Gallaxar's clones show up]
- B.O.B.: Ah! Doc!
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Take this, you microcephalic homogeneous octop...
- The Missing Link: This one's for you, Insecto
- [he throws the potion and roars. The monsters make it inside a robot]
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: You're almost there!
- B.O.B.: Come on, general!
- General W.R. Monger: Go on, get out of here! I'll hold them off. Come on. Get some.
- [shoots his gun upwards]
- General W.R. Monger: Whoohoo!
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: All right, gentlemen, now what you do... Take those two wires, and you're going to stick them together.
- [B.O.B. and Link stuck the wires together and electrocuted Dr. Cockroach]
- General W.R. Monger: [Monger is out of ammo and sees the mothership] Sweet Lord.